Posts by Chris Shea
Taking Time For Me Is Important And Possible
Taking care of oneself is key to finding inner peace, yet most of us don’t take the time to care for ourselves. Why is this? Most of us would probably respond that we don’t have the time, or that we feel selfish if we were to do things for yourself. Many of us put others’ needs ahead of our own, which is noble, but who is caring for you? If you are the one caring for others, who is the one caring for you?
Why is self care so important? What if I were to tell you that the “answer” to finding happiness and inner peace is spending time daily in self-care? It’s true, and that’s why self care is so important. We all have valid demands for our time, but the reasons we use to not care for ourselves are also excuses.
If we are being brutally honest with ourselves we would admit that we make time for what is valuable to us. Honestly, many of us simply don’t value self-care as much as we say we do. I talk about the importance of attending the gym, but I don’t attend since I “dont have the time.” But, take today for example, I could have woke up a bit earlier, moved some appointments around, done some of what I did this morning last night instead, etc. The reality is, the gym, although I know it’s important, is not of value to me at this time.
I’m proposing that we get creative with our daily schedule so that we can fit in self care. How do we do this?
- Evaluate what is valuable to you.
- Review your daily schedule in light of step 1 above.
- Redo your daily schedule to “create” the time for yourself.
- Tell another person of your plan so that you have support and encouragement.
- Do this every day.
Now that self care is of value and we have found a space for it on our daily schedule, let’s talk concretely about what we can do with our new-found time. Many of my clients share that even if they had the time for self care, they wouldn’t know what to do with that time. Sound familiar?
Since we convince ourselves that we don’t have the time for self care, many of us don’t think about what we would do if we did have the time. As you consider what you can do for self care, think small. You don’t have to do something big as anything you do toward self care will work.
Here are some of the things that I do for self care:
- I take a 10 or 20 minute “power” nap most afternoons to recharge and to slow down.
- I read a few pages from a fiction or nonfiction book, or a spiritual publication to gain insight.
- I take a meditative and mindful walk whether I’m at home in the fields and woods, or travelling in a major city.
- I make the time to meditate. If I don’t have the ability to sit in quiet, I will use the moments I do have, such while driving or walking.
- Finding hobbies which I enjoy and that stimulate me, and which have nothing to do with my everyday profession (the later statement is most important).
I know of many people, myself included, who follow these steps but then feel guilty for taking the time for themselves. We need to re-frame that guilt feeling and change our perspective on the importance of self care. When you truly value the importance of self care, the feeling of guilt will go away. Since you now believe in the necessity of self care, there is no reason for guilt. I learned the importance and the value of self care on a flight out west.
Prior to take off, the flight attendants give their safety briefing; how to fasten the seat belt, how the seat transforms into a flotation device suitable for the ocean, and what to do if you lose cabin pressure. I, like most frequent travellers, tune out the briefing. But, on this flight, for no particular reason, the instructions on using the face mask was significant to me. The flight attendant stated something to the effect that if you are travelling with small children, first secure your mask before assisting your child. No way!! How am I supposed to be ok with giving myself life saving oxygen while my child struggles to breathe? Not happening!
But then I had an aha moment. If the masks drop from the ceiling most of the passengers, especially the children, will be upset. It may be a struggle to secure their mask in the frenzy of the moment, and the odds of getting it right the first time is slim as I’m sure I too would be scared and anxious. In the time that it takes to struggle with the child’s mask, what if I pass out? If I pass out prior to securing their mask, then we both are in trouble! I’m no assistance to my child. But, if I secure my mask first it won’t matter how long it takes to help my child since I’m now capable of breathing.
This safety briefing changed my perception on the importance of self care. If I am not capable of providing help, then no one gets help. Taking care of myself allows me the strength and insight to not only learn more deeply about myself, but also the ability to help others.
Self care is necessary, and the key, to finding my inner peace. The more I learn about myself the more capable I am of coming to terms with myself. This union of self is the inner peace we seek.
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Life Coaching – Why Do I Need It?
Do you find yourself feeling anxious or stressed? Maybe life isn’t the way you expected and you aren’t sure how best to cope. Do you find yourself needing goals and a path toward the future? I know I have answered yes to these questions at different times in my life. Who hasn’t? These are typical life issues many of us struggle with daily.
Through my own life experiences I have found that there is always hope, and always an answer to our worries and concerns. The answers may not be what we want to hear, or we may not know how to find them, but they do exist. In our struggle with life issues we tend to either keep them to ourselves for fear of embarrassment or ridicule; or we turn to trusted friends who most likely also struggle with similar life issues. Few of us turn to professional help. Why?
Until recently, the only professional help available to us was to see a mental health counselor. There is nothing at all wrong with this option! But, the prospect of seeing a counselor can be intimidating, expensive, and mis-understood. Unfortunately,, mental health continues to be stigmatized. I wish it weren’t the case, but those who suffer from mental illness are viewed “differently” from those suffering from a medical condition (I hope that changes soon). What are we to do when we are in need of guidance but don’t see any options or hope?
There is an option other than seeing a mental health counselor; visit a life coach. Life coaching is a practice that involves guiding people to identify and realize their goals, dreams, and aspirations while breaking through the barriers. By becoming self-aware we are free to develop our talents and potential. Not everyone who is struggling in life suffers from a mental illness. A life coach is someone who guides you through life’s struggle. Unlike a counselor, a life coach doesn’t diagnose an illness. A life coach is active in the sessions and can even follow up with you through text, quick calls or emails.
As a counselor myself, I am in no way disparaging the counseling profession, rather, I am offering an alternative. Many of my clients see me for life coaching rather than counseling because of the stigma of mental illness, or they don’t believe they have a mental illness. Many of us who struggle with life’s difficulties don’t rise to the level of a mental health diagnosis and illness. For example, if I cut myself while chopping food for dinner, I will place a bandage over the cut until it heals. But, if the cut is deep and the bandage is not helping, I will go the hospital or a doctor. In this analogy, the bandage is the life coach, while the hospital is the mental health counselor. If I feel sad over a recent loss and not sure how to cope, I would call a life coach. If I feel sad but can’t get out of bed or go to work, and the sadness has lingered for months, I would call a mental health counselor.
Life coaching is a process which guides us to formulate goals, cope with life’s stressors, and teach us the skills needed to live a healthy life. Life coaching is not that different from the role of a sports coach. The sports coach’s role is to make me better at what I already do. They teach me techniques I may not be aware of, and encourage and push me in ways I myself couldn’t. In the end, the sports coach makes me better at what I already knew how to do. The same holds true for life coaching. The life coach guides us to be better at what we already know how to do, namely, to live my life. Those areas of life which may need improvement are improved, and those areas of life which need encouragement we are encouraged to perform better.
Athletes at all levels of play use a sport coach for guidance. No matter how long a player has been playing their sport, regardless of their ability and fame, they still listen to the guidance of a coach. There is no shame in seeking out a life coach no matter your age or previous ability to cope with life. Living in the present moment, if you need guidance, seek a life coach.
When life knocks us down or confuses us, there is no reason to struggle alone. Seek out a life coach who will guide you, provide encouragement and hope, giving you the tools needed to live the best life possible.
If you’re ready to explore life coaching, I would be honored to help. You can read more about my practice or call me directly at 301-850-2177.
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How I Became Self-confident And Happy
The other day I was asked “Have you always been this self-confident? Do you ever doubt yourself?” I was somewhat taken aback by these questions as I don’t typically think of myself as confident. My current life activities consists of family, life coaching, counseling, writing, teaching at a university and college, hosting a podcast, giving lectures, and speaking at conferences. I keep myself active, but I enjoy all that I do. Is my enjoyment the self-confidence people see in me?
Self-confidence is defined as a feeling of trust in one’s abilities and talents, yet this definition presupposes that I have an awareness of my abilities and talents. I feel this is the reason why many people lack self-confidence; they don’t recognize their own abilities and therefore wrongly assume that they are unable, or incapable, of performing a task. Actually, I just described myself.
While growing up I was extremely shy and unaware if my abilities and talents. This lack of self-awareness, coupled with my avoidance of others, reinforced in me a belief that I wasn’t capable of much in the way of outward achievement. As a child, and even through my early adulthood, I enjoyed the solitary pursuits of reading, studying and writing. Sure, I had friends with whom I enjoyed doing things, but my friends were few and not among what was known as the ”in crowd”. For me and my insecurities and shyness, they were “safe”.
A lack of self-confidence is typically coupled with a person’s self-esteem, or sense of self-worth. In my experience, though, that assumption wasn’t true. Although I lacked insight into my gifts and talents, I did feel positive about myself. I enjoyed my hobbies and the people I chose to be close to; life was good. My sense of self-worth was high, while at the same time my self-confidence was low.
How can this be? In my early life it meant that I did well in school, but if I were given a task of importance to complete, or asked to give a speech, my mind would immediately jump to the thought “Me?! I don’t have the skill to do this? There have to be people better at this than me!” At the time I failed to realize that I was asked because someone else saw the talent and ability in me. I failed to take into account the perspective of the asker because I failed to recognize my own giftedness. If I couldn’t see it in myself, I was never going to accept that someone else saw what I myself could not.
So, what changed in me, given my history of lack of self-confidence and shyness, that now I am able to speak to large crowds, teach university classes, and train groups of peers? There’s no one event or “aha moment” which made all the difference. For me, it was a progressive shift, through meditation, where I became more self-aware of my giftedness as well as my weaknesses. It is in accepting both aspects of myself that I feel have been the most transformative.
Here are some reflections I have learned in my adult years which have impacted my ability to be self-confident:
- I’m not responsible for other’s happiness. I am responsible for my feelings and my actions toward others. This helps my self-confidence in that I don’t seek nor need the approval of others to know that I am good at what I do. The constructive opinions of family and close friends I respect, but needing to be liked by everyone is no longer a goal of mine.
- Not knowing is ok. Early in my career I stifled myself in that I felt that if I didn’t know everything there was to know in my field, than I was a fraud. I now recognize how wrong I was, but it was in me eventually realizing that even the “experts” in my field didn’t know everything for me to gain confidence in my own knowledge and experience of my field. What I don’t know, I will learn from others and so continue to grow.
- I became empowered in my self-confidence every time I stepped out of my comfort zone only to realize that I did well. The more times I gave something a try and ended with positive results, the more I became confident in my abilities. Yes, those times when it didn’t go well seemed to set me back more than the positive times moved me forward; but regardless, I kept on keeping on. I’m not perfect when it comes to public speaking or teaching, etc, but I do my best, and more times than not there is positive feedback from the audience. Had I not moved out of my comfort zone, my self-confidence would still be quite low.
- As I mentioned above, self-confidence is not to be equated with always being right or knowing everything. Self-confidence grows from an understanding of who you are, the positives and negatives. We all have growth opportunities, so don’t let the fact that you are not “perfect” stop you from feeling self-confident. Feel self-confident knowing that you are both talented and flawed; perfect in some aspects yet need to grow in others.
- Take time for yourself. Self-care is vitally important to physical and mental health. Spending time nurturing yourself and meditating provides you the opportunity to know yourself better. In this self-knowledge you will find your confidence and your growth opportunities. Work on both!
In my continuing journey of self-confidence, I realize that I don’t need to be perfect in all knowledge or skill, but I do need to be self-reflective with a willingness to grow. Take the time to learn about yourself, then step out of your comfort zone and give it try! If it works well, wonderful, do it again! If it doesn’t work well, wonderful, learn from it then do it again!
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The Meaning of Mindfulness
In this brief podcast, Chris describes what we mean by the term “mindfulness” and how our past and future interact with our present.
Chris TV Interview on Addiction in Baltimore
In this interview from November 2010, Chris speaks about addiction and some resources available in Baltimore, MD.