Posts by Chris Shea
Helping You Create Change | Chris Shea | Lifesjourney Life Coaching
How To Find Peace In The Holiday Stress
The time of the year between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day is filled with high expectation leading us into holiday stress. The expectation for perfection is great, causing us stress and a lack of peace when we desire this to be a time of joy with the celebration of family traditions. Here are my 4 tips to find peace in the holiday stress.
This time of the year is when I reflect upon my own childhood memories; memories filled with awe and wonder as the world seemed to be magical. Unfortunately, this time of the year is also one of increased holiday stress due to all the activities we feel we need to do. Our wish to make this time of the year “perfect” increases our expectations, many of them unreasonable, causing us to overwork in our planning efforts.
As a child, I fondly recall watching the animated Christmas specials and reading all the Christmas books I could find. Those stories not only have positive endings, but most of them also depict perfection. In these stories families gather and get along with each other, the house is majestically decorated, the dining room table set to rival the fanciest restaurant. My favorite American painter, Norman Rockwell, painted scenes of American life; some showing pain and suffering, others idyllic life scenes. Rockwell’s holiday paintings are among my favorite as they depict a world I wish existed, although knowing that a perfect world doesn’t exist.
This longing of mine, like the desire and longing of many other people, is part of the cause of our holiday stress during this season. We tend to focus our attention on the memories of the past, coupled with fictional idealisms of the holiday, producing a desire to re-create what never was, nor most likely ever will be. The holidays, as we perceived them in childhood, cannot now be reproduced through our adult perceptions, nor can we expect to create an experience depicted in the controlled environments of scripts, actors, and a stage.
The issue that I encounter this time of the year is one of unrealistic expectations which create the holiday stress that takes away our peace. Trying to re-create a “perfection” which actually never existed means that we will fall short in our attempts. Not achieving my expectations could be interpreted as a failure.
Bonus: Download Chris Shea’s booklet on Life Coaching & is it for me? Click here to get it
We have control over our feelings in the current moment. Let’s not lose the experience of what is happening by living in either the past or the future. Experience the present moment for what it is. As I recall my childhood memories of the holidays, I try to keep them focused on the experience of the moment. Don’t let an expectation of perfection cloud the beauty and the feeling of the memory. Enjoy the memory without trying to do anything with or to it. Live the moment without expectation and you will find that the holiday stress of perfection will fade.
During this holiday season, here are the steps I am working on to keep myself as stress-free as possible:
- Refocus expectations: Take time to reflect on your expectations, considering what is realistic and what is not realistic. For example, we may want a house decorated as we’ve seen in advertisements, but, no matter how hard we try it never looks as it does in the pictures. If you reframe your expectation and perception, you would recognize that you haven’t failed, actually, you created something unique, something that reflects you, not an ad.
- Change your perception: Changing the way we perceive ourselves will change our perception of our world. Therefore, changing our view of this time of the year will change our expectations and so reduce our stress. For example, if you are hosting family, and the reality is that your uncle always makes a fool of himself at these family gatherings, keep your perspective focused on reality. Plan for what you can in expectation of your uncle’s shenanigans, for when your uncle acts as he always acts, don’t let it stress you; he is only doing as you expected him to do (and you previously planned for it). At least he’s consistent.
- Learn from your past: It’s important to spend time reflecting on our past, honoring the memories for what they are, and sharing them with current family and friends. Our past has shaped who we are today. Use the lessons of the past to create a present moment of peace. The purpose of the past is not to be recreated in the present, but to be incorporated with the present. Take what was positive for you in the past and use it in the present. What wasn’t positive for you in the past, modify now in the present to be positive. Our past was not perfect; don’t expect the present or the future to be perfect either.
- Simplify your life: Easier said than done, I know. But if you think about it, our material goods, although useful, can be a source of our stress when our focus emphasizes “things”. Living simply means keeping a proper focus, or perspective, on what is truly important in life. Keep your expectations and perceptions rooted on who you are, not on who you think you should be.
During this holiday season, take the time to enjoy the wonders, joy, and magic of the season. Keep your perspective and expectations reasonable to reduce your holiday stress. Most importantly, focus on what is truly important to you!
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An Expert Life Coach Shares Successful Ways to Change Perspective
Many of us are negatively bothered by the small annoyances in life. Expert life coach Chris Shea shares his successful way to change perspective and live happier.
It’s usually not the big things that affect us as much as the accumulation of these daily small annoyances. We find ourselves lashing out in anger or snapping at others for what they may feel is a small matter, but you are really lashing out not over that issue specifically, rather you are reacting to an accumulation of small issues.
When my clients complain about issues in their life, regardless of my opinion, I try to refrain from labeling it “the small stuff”. If something is bothering someone I don’t want to say “small stuff” as that negates what they’re feeling. Although, I hope to get them to a point when someday in the future they can recognize the current issue was something small and can be now laughed at.
To get to that point of laughing at ourselves over the small stuff one of the questions that I’ll ask my clients is, “in the scope of everything going on in your life and in the world right now, where does this fit?” The question is an attempt to change perspective and put into focus that which is truly important in life.
When we get mentally stuck focused on what is truly a small matter, we need to divert our attention to refocus on something else. Eventually, you’ll forget what you were previously focused on. This helps to reframe our perspective. It’s like a laser pen for cats, keeping their attention focused on a point, not on anything else. We, as humans, act and react the same way a cat does with the laser pointer.
I’ve spent over 20 years working with people suffering from addictions to later work on their recovery while learning how to cope with cravings for their drug of choice. One of the complaints I frequently hear from my former clients is about their sponsor/mentor in guiding them through a craving. They complain to me that when they would be having a craving they would call their sponsor and say “I’m having a craving” and the sponsor would reply “hey did you watch the game last night?”
Bonus: Download Chris Shea’s booklet on Life Coaching & is it for me? Click here to get it
The former client would be dismayed that their sponsor only wanted to talk about the game instead of the craving. They would wonder what’s wrong with their sponsor that they wouldn’t talk about the craving? They’ll suggest to me that they need a new sponsor who cares for them and not some game.
My question to this person in recovery, after listening to their story, is always “well did you use last night?” “No”, they would reply. To which I state “isn’t that the goal you were going for, not using?”
If I have a headache and I focus on my headache then my headache gets worse. If I do what I need to do to take care of that headache and then do something else, my headache seems to get better or even goes away. Changing our focus or perspective takes us away from unhealthy thoughts toward either healthy or neutral thoughts. I call it the shiny object effect. If your cat or dog (or even young child) is fixated on something you don’t want them to be fixated on, simply flash a shiny object and their fixation changes to the new object. You can do this literally or figuratively with yourself and other humans.
Changing perspective helps us understand that some of life’s issues are small and not worth our time, energy, or negativity. Distracting myself from the small issue is but one aspect of coping with the small stuff; understanding and coping with the idea that it’s a small issue is vital.
Prioritizing life’s issues allows us to choose what we will and will not give time or energy to. If the issue, in the scope of what’s happening in the world, won’t make a difference, then let it go. If the issue rises to the level of needing to be addressed, then do so in a healthy, conscious, and productive manner.
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The Uplifting Story Of How I Found Inner Peace
In this article, I share with you an interview by Jan Bowen who speaks with me about my life’s journey and how I came to be the person I am today. I share about my childhood influences, the curves my life has taken over the decades, and the influences which have shaped me to be who I am today.
You’ll learn that many of the topics which I write about have their origins in my life’s experiences. I don’t write from theory, I write from my own struggles and self-learning.
Finding inner peace is possible because I have found my inner peace. Read along and you’ll understand the evolution of my thought and insights. You too can find your inner peace, and I feel honored guiding you to that peace.
Jan Bowen: Well, as you may or may not know, on this show I talk about how people found their purpose, and how they live the life that they do. With you, it’s so intriguing to me because the name of your website is exactly what I want to talk about. The website that Chris has is lifesjourneyblog.com. Chris, what was your life journey to the point that you are now in your career? What brought you here?
Chris Shea: That’s a long, winding journey. In hindsight, all good. But the somewhat short of it, I spent most of my career up in the Baltimore area, and I was involved in doing counseling work plus administration work. I was honored to run in-patient medical treatment facilities. We specialized in drug and alcohol treatment, but we were in-patient medical. I really enjoyed being an administrator because the way I looked at that is I was able to help a lot of people. Even though I didn’t always have a caseload, it was still very rewarding for me. These were always nonprofits, so that was something that was important to me, giving back to the community. But, I’m a type “A” person. I love to always be busy. I’m still very busy. But back then, the busyness began to take over my life. In the busyness, everything else seemed to go off to the wayside.
Chris Shea: Work and career, titles, prestige, all of that became more important. As my career took off, I got into speaking at national conferences and started writing and getting published in journals, and I found myself pretty high up in my field as far as being known in what I was doing. As rewarding as that is, it brings a lot of stress and anxiety if you’re not keeping up a balanced life and taking care of yourself, neither of which I was doing. For me, the big change came when I started to realize I needed to slow things up a bit. An opportunity came here down in Leonardtown (where Chris currently lives), and I thought, “Maybe this is a good time in my life to start different, to get away from the city, get away from all that and just do something totally different.” That’s when I picked up the campus ministry job, which was awesome, and I loved every minute of that.
Chris Shea: The issue for me came in when the academic year ended, and I now have three months off. For me, the thought of that was, “Hey, this is awesome. I got three months paid vacation basically. Way to go.” I’ve never had three months off before, except for the times that I was laid off. Then I was off, but that was different. After getting close to about week two of being off, that’s when it hit me, and things started going downhill for me at that point because the type “A” in me, the person who has been going from corporate world and all the stressors that had, and all the pressures that were on me … that was gone. There was nothing. I kinda hit that brick wall of this nothingness, of what do I do? I kind of was almost in a depression type stage. It wasn’t fun. I needed something to do. I spent a good number of weeks through this struggle in eventually finding mindfulness and finding meditation again, and beginning to consciously slow myself into looking more at who I am.
Chris Shea: As I did that, I decided to do some journaling. But instead of doing journaling in some diary or folder, I decided to do a blog. Why not? I’m on a computer all the time. That’s really where Lifesjourney came about, was a blog more so as a public diary, more as a journal. Really, it was just for me to have some outlet. And from there, that was probably what, six-ish or so years ago? From there, we now have what I’m doing. Now it’s a private practice, I’ve authored some books, doing speakings, I now have a podcast. It’s grown into what it is today, and it keeps me extremely busy. But the difference is, I’m busy intentionally. What I mean by that is, I’m only doing what it is that I feel I’m able to do, and I’m trying to do it in a way that’s still healthy for me. I’m still trying to practice those daily routines of the meditation and taking care of self, and looking at self. Very different than what I was doing before. Long and short of it, here I am.
Jan Bowen: Thank you very much for sharing all of that. There are lots of pieces in there I’d love to explore a little more. One, I think it’s really important that people hear that the path isn’t always smooth, it’s not straight, and it does have pitfalls.
Chris Shea: Yes, it does. Yeah, definitely if somebody thinks that, “I can go from point A to point B in a straight line,” you are gonna end up with having stress and anxiety when you find out that that straight line is gonna become very curved. But that’s okay. In hindsight, those curves are really what got me to here. Had this been more of a straight line for me, we probably wouldn’t be talking, I probably wouldn’t be in this town. I’m glad for the curves.
Jan Bowen: Yeah, and from your perspective as both someone who experienced it and as a professional, as a therapist, you have both sides of it, so you really speak from a powerful position which I think has tremendous impact and value in sharing as well. There’s so many things I’m now trying to remember. From the outside, as you were talking, I was thinking, “To some people, it might not look that different. You were speaking before, you were at the top of your career before when you were in Baltimore.” So if somebody missed all those middle years and saw you online, and saw you had maybe a different name to a website instead of working for a firm, or “Oh, Chris started a podcast,” they might think nothing was really different, you’ve just grown.
Jan Bowen: All those middle pieces are really instructional, yeah. It’s interesting that so much happens from within.
Chris Shea: Exactly. Yeah, form the exterior, if I listed what my day is like, it’s going to seem to somebody, “Well you’re overwhelming yourself and isn’t that what you were doing?” But yet, it is what works on the inside. It is that intentionality, and to me, the part of that mindfulness. Before, it was just do, do, do, regardless of what the impact is for me. Now it’s, “Yes, I’m gonna be doing a lot, but I’m still trying to be aware of what is the impact to me and family when I’m doing all of this.” It’s not the haphazard, “Let me just do everything.” I would say right now in this field, I’m just one of the fish. I’m not a topnotch person in the field. There are bigger names you would think of if you think mindfulness than my name, so that keeps me humble.
Jan Bowen: Did moving from a city like Baltimore to a small town affect your lifestyle and your path at all?
Chris Shea: It helped to slow me down. The pace is very different. The pace is much calmer. I think overall that helped in that, but it wasn’t a huge shift. Most of my college life was living in rural towns, so it wasn’t a complete unknown for me. But yes, I think overall it did have a part to play in where I am now.
Jan Bowen: The rituals, I’m not sure if you’ve called them rituals, but the routines that you follow of mindfulness and meditation and such are also what you talk about on your podcast, “On Finding Peace”. Was that the intention behind the podcast?
Chris Shea: Yes. The podcast has morphed over time as well. Originally, the podcast was to broaden the audience, my reach. What I was doing in the early days of the podcast, which still exists if people listen to them, they really consisted of taking my blog posts and putting them to audio, is really the simplest way to put it. I figured this way if you don’t have to read it, well maybe you have time to listen to it. But as I thought about it, to me I thought what would be more important, because it was important to my life story, what have other people done in their lives that we can learn from?
Chris Shea: What I focused the podcast mostly on is interviewing people who have found ways of either getting toward peace or obtaining peace, and I ask them to share with us what are some very practical ways that we can do that. It’s not a theoretical type podcast, but very practically, you went from this to this, so if I’m listening to a podcast, what can I do to go from that to that? I figure that’s how I learned, maybe others can learn as well.
Jan Bowen: I’m curious what you were like as a little boy.
Chris Shea: Oh, wonderful days that they were. I think I’m at that age now where I can look back and say, “Those were the simpler times.” But actually, it probably would be quite surprising because growing up, I was the shy kid. I was the one who stayed in the corner. I had a small group of friends, a tight group of friends, but small. Really when it comes to being outgoing, when it comes to doing a lot after school or things like that, that wasn’t me. I would go home, do my homework, grab some of my friends, and off we would go. But I was extremely shy. If you were to tell my younger self that one day you’re going to be speaking on national stages and doing podcasts and things like this, yeah that would’ve been foreign to me. That would’ve been, “There is no way that’s gonna happen, I’m not speaking in front of people.” Yes, younger me was very different from me.
Jan Bowen: What was the changing point, the turning point?
Chris Shea: Self-confidence, that was the change for me. The shyness had a lot to do with self-esteem. As I aged through my 20s and started actually being in a career, then a lot of that changed and I slowly … and I emphasize slowly … began to have more of self-confidence not only in me as a person but the self-confidence in me as a professional. When that shifted, I became more outgoing. This was probably always in me, I just wasn’t aware it was in me.
Jan Bowen: Yeah. It’s interesting, from what you’re saying, I’m observing the external, the job in your 20s was bringing out the internal. As you were describing your coming to peacefulness in later life, you once again went internally to find that peace. It juxtaposed, but nonetheless, I find the contrast interesting between the exterior and the interior. Yeah.
Chris Shea: I appreciate that reflection. I hadn’t really looked at it in those terms before, but yeah it really makes a lot of sense as I move into another phase in my life, age wise. It’s very interesting. Appreciate that.
Jan Bowen: How do you define mindfulness? I’m going into these specific questions, but let’s back up a minute. How do you define it?
Chris Shea: There are a lot of definitions out there. Really for me, mindfulness is living in the present moment, non judgmentally. Jon Kabat-Zinn, he emphasizes the non judgmentally. That’s where I’m pulling that piece from. But it is all about living in the moment. What I mean with the non judgmentally is just to accept what your reality is. Now, that doesn’t mean I can’t work on changing my reality if that’s something that I feel is necessary. But before I can look at a possible change in my reality, I just need to come to terms with and accept what that reality is. Instead of trying to lie to ourselves, trick ourselves, fool ourselves as to what we would like our reality to be and then live accordingly, that’s gonna bring on a lot of stress and anxiety.
Chris Shea: If we can sit back and just accept where we are, the good, the bad and the otherwise, then look at, “What do I need to do differently to improve my life.” We need to start on that basis of reality. Let’s just start with reality, even if you don’t like that reality or like to admit that reality. No, it is what it is, accept it, now what?
Jan Bowen: Thank you for the definition. That’s really helpful and important. The curved parts of your path, you mentioned one was not going through with the priesthood. Do you feel like all the curves contributed in some way and informed where you are now?
Chris Shea: When I look in hindsight, I wouldn’t be who I am today without those experiences. For me, it’s very important, and I try to help my clients with this as well, but very important to understand that we are who we are because of our past. Again, good, bad or otherwise. You could talk about a very bad childhood, or a bad past or whatever. Again, that’s the acceptance piece. That is what it is, but that’s also what has made you. If at this point in your life, you have a great deal of resilience … then yes I feel sympathy for you that you had to go through what you did, but you have built a resilience which is wonderful to have at this point. Particularly my time in the seminary really gave me a lot of the tools to be able to be where I am today. I think minus that, I probably wouldn’t have found the mindfulness piece. I wouldn’t have found that spiritual peace. I think I would’ve been strictly academic psychology with it, versus what I see as more human if that kinda makes sense.
Jan Bowen: I understand what you’re saying in that sense. Something is occurring to me. It’s not an exact analogy, but I can’t help but put these two thoughts together. The writer and thinker, Jack Kornfield, who writes a lot on Buddhism, I heard him speak once about some concept in Buddhism, and he was saying, “People always expect me to be really calm, and really laid back and really peaceful.” He said, “If you didn’t know who I was and you saw me on the street, you would think I was the most hyper guy. I’m a really high energy person.” I really enjoyed that because what I observe in general about some of these concepts like mindfulness, and meditation and such is I believe there is a bias in terms of the vision, that they’re all peaceful and calm. And yet to me, there’s a joy and there’s a lightness to them. There’s an energy around them, a silliness at times even.
Chris Shea: I completely agree because as I mentioned earlier, I’m all about trying to stay within reality, and I don’t care how much you’re going to practice Buddhism, Zen, any type of Christian meditations, I don’t care what it is that you do. Unless you have removed yourself and have become a monk, other than that, you’re living in this world, and this world is not going to stop because you are meditating or because you know some of these concepts. If you try to be in this world but live like that monk, people are gonna look at you as crazy, and you’re probably not gonna get anybody. Most of us recognize a monk, but not a monk in society. All that needs to be tempered with, be real and be true to who you are. All of these principles, whether it’s eastern or western, it makes no difference, they’re leading us down a path of finding peace. But as far as I define that peacefulness, we can be feeling many different emotions while still having that in our peace.
Chris Shea: Yes, I can act silly at times, and I can show my happiness and all of that with this sense of an inner peace, yet at the same time, I can go through periods of mild depressions, of stress, of anger. But that doesn’t take away an inner peace. That just means I’m human, and I’m reacting and responding to what’s going on in my life. I think the difference is how you do that. Am I intentionally responding? Am I aware of my response? Do I need to make changes? I think that peacefulness is that peace that allows me to reflect on what I’m feeling. I’m not just going off in anger, or off in depressions. I can consciously go into those feelings, act that way, and then begin to say to myself, “Is this healthy right now? Is this appropriate right now?” And then make changes if necessary. There is that intentionality, I think. Yes, I love that approach. I just think we need to be real. People will respond when they see you’re real.
Chris Shea: ‘Cause, if you go up on stage or go on a podcast like this, and you talk about these high ideals or seem to be having those high ideals, many people are gonna say, “I can’t do that.”
Chris Shea: But when they see that you’re real, I don’t think that takes away your ability to say, “Hey, I’m an expert in this,” or “I’ve got information to share.” I think actually people can come to you because, “Wait a minute, you’re real. You talked about all this, but I heard you get a little stressed over there,” or “Wasn’t that comment a little off in what you talk about?” And then you can say, “Well yeah, I’m human. Yeah. It is.”
Jan Bowen: Yeah.
Chris Shea: “But now, here’s what I’m gonna do about it.”
Jan Bowen: What do you do for fun?
Chris Shea: I love being out in the water, love being out in nature, love to read. Meteorology is a hobby of mine.
Chris Shea: Yeah, so there are outlets, and I encourage people to have outlets. But yeah for me, those are the things I’ve picked up over time, and that’s how I get out and have fun. There are some days or some evenings that I’ll say, “You know what? Forget the computer, forget my business stuff. I’m taking a hike, I’m going out on the water, I’m gonna read a nonsense book,” whatever it is. But I think that’s important to have those outlets so that there’s some diversity in your life, and you can relax.
Jan Bowen: In your words, what would you name as your top three values?
Chris Shea: The top three right off the top of my head would look at as being the most important would be honesty, and trust, and family. Those are all up there. Maybe not in that order, but those are the top three. But also looking at that, I would say … I don’t know if it’s necessarily a value, but it’s, “Can you be true to self?” And whatever that means for self. Again, you may not like who you are, or maybe you aren’t the best person at the moment, but can you at least be true to who you are, and be able to go from there? That’s something that I would value in another person, really respect in another person.
Jan Bowen: That’s wonderful. Is there anything that you’d like to say that I haven’t asked you?
Chris Shea: Know that it really is possible to find inner peace. Whether you believe that or not, it is possible. I’ve seen that in a lot of people, but I’ve seen it in myself, so I’m speaking from the experience. This isn’t just, “Hey, the theory says …” But no, I did it. People can do it. Just go with it, begin to believe in it, and yes, it’s possible.
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How To Cope When A Family Member Is Addicted
We’ve seen the opioid crisis get worse with more people addicted and more overdose deaths reported. Addiction is a family disease as the effects of the addiction impact the family unit. Here’s how families can cope when one of their own is addicted.
As the opioid crisis continues to get worse, more and more families are affected by addiction and are seeking ways to cope with a situation that places any family in a crisis mode. Even the healthiest of families find their world turned upside down when needing to deal with a family member suffering from addiction. I have worked in the addiction field for a couple decades and have seen the positive outcomes of recovery and have witnessed how families have gone from their lowest points to becoming healthy and whole. I am not saying this is easy, but I am saying it is possible.
Addiction is a chronic disease characterized by drug and alcohol seeking and use that is compulsive and difficult to control, despite harmful consequences. Even though addiction is classified as a disease not unlike any other medical disease, many in our society continue to view addiction as a moral failing and a choice rather than the chronic disease that it is. The American Medical Association, back in 1957, declared alcoholism (and subsequently chemical addiction) a medical disease. Not unlike chronic heart disease or diabetes, chronic addiction is treatable yet not curable. A person diagnosed with having an addiction does not have to suffer daily from that addiction but must daily treat their addiction.
Addiction is a “family disease” since the family unit is greatly impacted by a member’s active illness. As the disease of addiction progresses and the person with the disease begins to change their behavior, attitudes, and how they deal with the family, the family unit changes their behaviors and thoughts in order to cope with the changes of the person suffering from the addiction. When the person with the addiction enters recovery, meaning they are no longer actively using, their behaviors and thoughts will return to a more healthy view of life. But, if the family has not made any changes then the family unit remains unhealthy as they continue to view the person in recovery as if they were still using.
What can a family do to cope with the addiction crisis and upheaval in their lives? Let me first start with a few “don’ts” for a family to consider:
- Don’t blame yourself! Although this is a natural response to the crisis, blaming oneself does not offer a solution but only spirals you into a depression. The reality is that you did not cause your family member to use regardless of what they may tell you while in the midst of their active addiction. It’s important to remind yourself that this is not your fault and you are not to blame!
- As difficult as this may be, don’t live your life solely for the person with the addiction. Instead, continue, as much as possible, to live your life as you have been.
- Don’t enable. This is very difficult but essential to helping the person with the addiction to move toward recovery. Enabling takes many forms but generally speaking, anything you do which ultimately helps the person continue with their addictive behaviors is enabling. In most cases, family members don’t enable out of a desire to continue the addiction, but rather they make choices, out of love, but which end up enabling instead of helping.
Let’s now look at a few tips that a family can do to cope when addiction runs in the family:
- The first thing I always recommend families do is to care for themselves. Coping with a family member who is suffering from addiction is quite taxing and drains family resources. It’s important to do things which have nothing to do with the coping of the person with the addiction. If the family member is outside of the house then the rest of the family needs to take time to do things on their own to maintain their family bonds. If the person suffering from the addiction lives in the household it is important to have family time without that person and not talking about the addiction. Don’t allow the disease of addiction suffered by one person to bring down the entire family.
- Educate yourself about addiction. The more you know the more you will understand what your loved one is going through and how best you can help them. Understanding that it is not your job to change them, but as a family, it is your responsibility to guide and support them to the best of your ability. As I mentioned above, you are not to blame for the situation and so it is not your responsibility to “fix” the situation.
- One way to help with family self-care and education is to seek family or individual counseling or to find support groups. Groups such as Al-Anon are made up of members who are also doing their best to cope with the active addiction of a loved one. I know it’s difficult to seek help, but if the family falls apart how will the family ever be able to help the person with the addiction? Seeking outside help will, in the end, teach healthy coping methods which will bring the family closer together.
- Managing expectations will keep you grounded and remove some of your stress and anxiety. Many of us feel anxious or stressed when outcomes don’t match up with our expectations. Keeping our expectations based on reality will help us feel some inner peace. For example, a reasonable expectation is that the person suffering from the addiction seeks help, whereas an unreasonable expectation is that the person will become cured just because you told them to stop using. If recovery were as simple as being told to stop doing what they’re doing they would have done that earlier.
- Continually remind yourself and the rest of the family that addiction is a disease and not a moral failing to be judged. The longer you feel that it is a moral failing the more frustrated you will become when your loved one continues their use. Reminding yourself that they are suffering from a disease will reduce some of your frustration as you realize that your family member is not necessarily being obstinate but that they need proper medical care to treat the illness from which they suffer.
Bonus: Download Chris Shea’s booklet on Life Coaching & is it for me? Click here to get it
Not only does the person with the active addiction suffer from the consequences of their disease but so do their loved ones and family members. The disease of addiction is a family disease, so treating it as such will help all members of the family cope in a healthy way with the crisis placed upon them. Never give up hope! I have witnessed many families come out the other end of addiction closer and healthier than they were prior to the crisis. Seek help for your loved one, but just as importantly seek help for the family.
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Are You Happy? How To Find Your PATH
Are you happy? Are you seeking a happy life? This article guides you to find a meaningful life. I’ve developed a way of living which I call “finding your PATH.”
When I find myself feeling stressed or anxious, I also tend to feel lost. How about you? Are you happy? Are you seeking to live a meaningful life? Many of my clients come to me seeking not only happiness and peace, but also a direction in life. Wouldn’t it be nice if there were a GPS of sorts for life? It could guide us to find happiness, that perfect partner, the ideal job, or that most beautiful location to live. Of course, that GPS function doesn’t exist, but, I’ve developed a way of living which is working like a GPS for me. I call it “finding your PATH.”
In Robert Frost’s famous poem “The Road Not Taken,” he writes: “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth… I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.” Taking one path over another is an important decision for us to make. Is there is a “right” path for me? Will any path lead me to a meaningful life? Where exactly do I want to go!?
We can’t be sure if the path chosen by Frost was the right path for him, just as we can never be sure the way we want is the right one for us. Will any path lead me to a happy life? Earlier in the poem, Frost also writes: “I shall be telling this with a sigh…”. Is this a sigh of relief or that of regret? Do we have regrets over the paths we have chosen to take? Many of us do, and it seems that Frost is trying to give himself an out in the event he makes the wrong choice when he writes “Oh, I kept the first for another day!” In other words, if I take the wrong path now, I’ll just backtrack and take the other one later.
But, we understand that we can’t go back into our past. We can only either stop moving or keep moving forward. Frost later realizes this too: “Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.” Making the decision as to which path to take is our ultimate freedom. Yet, with this freedom comes the responsibility for the consequences of the choice. Could I make the wrong decision? Is there even a wrong choice to make? Are you happy with the path?
Living mindfully I would say that there isn’t a wrong path or choice for a meaningful life. Each choice we make has consequences which ultimately shape who we are. We are the products of our past decisions, for the better or worse. The positive to all of this is that we can always make choices! If you feel your choice was wrong, then make a different decision in the future. For instance, if you choose a job which is not the best for you, and you can’t immediately get out of it, you still have the choice of how you will feel about that job now. Learn what you can from it, make it the best you can, and plan for a future of change when it’s possible. Regardless of our current situation, we always have the freedom of choice regarding how we think and feel. Are you happy along the path you’re currently traveling?
Inspired by Frost’s poem and my life experiences, I have learned and taught others to “find your PATH.” Here’s what I mean:
Perspective
Acceptance
Take action
Help others
I often write about the importance of understanding our perspective on life and oneself. How we see the world around us influences how we look at ourselves, and vice versa. To find our proper path in life, we need to focus our perspective on what leads us to happiness and peace, not what takes us further away. Who are the people, places, and things we need to walk away from to find our happiness? Are you happy with the current people, places, or things in your life?
When we understand our perception and reality, in the present moment, we need to accept that our reality, and the reality of our current situation, is what it is. I’m not saying we have to like our current situation, but in not accepting our situation we admit to an altered reality, a reality which doesn’t exist. I’m not at all saying that we are stuck in this reality. Acceptance does not mean we stay where we are. Acceptance simply means that I acknowledge my reality as it is now. What my reality will be in the future may not be the same as it is now. I have the power to change my reality when I accept what that reality is. Solutions are always possible.
Once we accept our reality and desire a different future reality, then we need to take action. We can’t sit still waiting for change to happen to us. Change only happens when we take action to effect change. Get up and do something which will change your current reality. While you are taking action, don’t selfishly focus on yourself, but help others in their pursuit of a different future. Together we can effect real change. Helping others provides us with positive self-esteem, and that positive feeling feeds our continued desire to make changes in life. As humans, we are communal creatures, so in helping others better themselves, you also help yourself.
Finding your PATH takes work, but it’s well worth the effort. In the end, you’ll think differently, view the world around you in a more positive manner, and through helping others, you will find purpose and a reason for living. This purpose leads us to our inner peace.
In the end, Frost accepts the path he has chosen when he states “And that has made all the difference.” Regardless of the choices we make, the result will change us, and that change will make all of the difference in life.
I encourage you to spend time each day changing your thoughts to focus on the positive and on solutions. Don’t deny the negative, but re-think the situation. Are you happy? Practicing mindfulness empowers us to act and to cope with situations which we may feel we are unable to handle. Mindfulness does not take away negativity in our lives, rather mindfulness teaches us the power that we have within to manage and survive whatever life may throw at us. On this path, you will live a happy and meaningful life.
{loadmodule mod_custom,continue the conversation here or on social media}
How To Change My Perspective And Be Happy
Over the years I’ve come to the realization that my perspective is a point of life we don’t think of. Yet, perspective influences and dictates how I feel and act.
It’s all about my perspective! I feel that we are challenged to understand that the way we view or perceive the world around us is directly related to how we see ourselves. If I have low self-esteem or do not consider myself in a positive way, how can I view my relationships, work, and my community in any way but negative? Sure, I can fake it, and many people will believe the lie I tell them (and the lie I tell myself), but we know the truth.
During my undergraduate studies, I had a professor who was very knowledgeable in his field yet was quite miserable in his life. If you met him while you both were getting the morning coffee and were to say to him “good morning!”, his response would always be “don’t tell me what kind of morning to have!”
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
In varying degrees, we’ve all felt similar to that professor. We can’t fathom a “good” morning or a beautiful day, or success. Why? Because we don’t feel it within us. We feel lost, unloved, anxious, that the world is against me. Those feelings are my perception, and that perception influences how we view our external world. My perception becomes, and indeed is, our reality.
Reality, philosophically and experientially, is not widely understood. I’ll stay away from a philosophical discussion of reality, except to reiterate that our experience of reality is based on our perceptions. None of us see or experience the world in precisely the same way as anyone else experiences it. Our existence, as it is experienced by each of us, at this moment, is based on how we feel about ourselves and what we have learned up to this moment.
All of our past experiences have taught us lessons. Every choice you made, with it’s resulting consequence, showed you to either make that choice again or to make a different decision in the future. Everything you was directly or indirectly told by family, friends, co-workers, colleagues, etc., have influenced you, coupled with your choices and experiences. Everything which has happened to you up until this moment has, in a significant way, affected who you are right now!
Therefore, in a real way, we are a product of our history. This is why I often say that the purpose of the past is to learn from it rather than dwell on it. Since we are products of our past decisions and actions, the theory is correct that if we don’t like who we are today, all we need to do is make different future choices and take different future actions. In other words, make a perspective shift.
Since we learned one way of being, we can learn another, different way of being. We aren’t stuck. We can change perspective.
Through our experiences, we not only learned ways to act, but we also learned ways to think. If the experience was not emotionally pleasant, or an experience we want to forget, we learned what is called “distorted” thoughts, or “irrational” thoughts.
The reason we call specific thoughts distorted or irrational is that these thoughts do not deal with reality, nor do they lead us to happiness or inner peace. When traumatic experiences happen to us, our emotional response is to protect oneself. How we protect oneself is by skewing, in our mind, the reality of the event so that it becomes a “reality” we can cope with. In other words, it becomes my perspective. This new reality is different from the reality we are experiencing so that we can better deal with life. The coping mechanism itself is not harmful as it allows us to cope during the emotional experience, but if we continue to view our world in this skewed way we no longer interact with the world as it is, but as we perceive it to be, in my perspective. Therefore, we call these thoughts distorted or irrational thinking.
Identifying and understanding the origin of your distorted thinking allows you to reframe and change your thoughts to those which are healthy and will lead you to happiness and inner peace. We need to change perspective. Our life’s challenge is to stay focused on the present moment, non-judgementally, feeling what it is we are meant to feel at this moment, then making decisions which will lead us to a healthy way of coping with life; a perspective shift.
How do I know that I am coping healthily? Your thoughts and your actions will lead to resolution of your issues, and you will begin to feel inner freedom and peace for which you have longed. Then you will know that you are healthily coping with life.
{loadmodule mod_custom,continue the conversation here or on social media}
How To Feel Inner Peace By Changing Perspective
Inner peace is possible if we change our perspective to control what we can control. Peace of mind is in our thoughts and feelings.
Who doesn’t like to feel in control of life? Experiencing peace of mind is part of our human condition; believing that we have control over our lives. In actuality, we have limited control over life. How many times have you had plans for your day, only to have them changed by situations which were out of your control? Have you ever been in an accident? Was that in your control? How about the future; are you in control over situations which have not as yet happened? The source of peace is found in our ability to change our perspective.
As you can see, there is much about our life we have no control over, therefore the reason we don’t feel inner peace. This battle between wanting and believing we are in control, versus not being in control, is the primary cause of our stress. When reality enters our imaginary belief, we feel stressed. For many of us, when the fact of our lack of control becomes too much for us to handle, we mentally skew that reality, creating an imaginary reality in which we believe. This imaginary reality is not reality at all; merely our imagination. But, if we are convinced of our false reality, we may feel less stress, but we won’t feel at peace. Why? Feeling inner peace is about acceptance; creating an alternate reality is not acceptable at all, thus the importance of inner peace.
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
Don’t go beating yourself up about skewing reality. We all do it. We’ve learned this behavior since we were children, regardless of how you were raised. In the realm of cognitive behavioral therapy, this way of thinking is called irrational. Not that we are irrational, but the idea of thinking about our reality in a skewed manner is irrational. In this setting, irrational is defined as leading us away from happiness. If a thought is such that leads us from being happy, doesn’t it make sense that it would be “irrational”? Why would we think opinions which don’t make us happy? Yet, we do it much of the time.
The ABC’s of irrational thoughts guide us in thinking rationally, that is, considering ideas which lead us to happiness and inner peace. The ABC’s reframe our perspective on life so that we think differently and therefore feel and act differently. In this construct, the “A” stands for the “activating event,” or, the event which has or is happening. The “B” is my belief about the event. The belief is my value judgment as to the goodness or badness of the event. The “C” is the consequence I am left with based on my value judgment. The “D” is my dispute with my irrational thought as a result of an adverse consequence. If I have a positive result, there is no reason for a dispute. Let me give you an example.
Let’s say a weather event happens, and it destroys your house. The “A” is the weather event. The “B” is your belief about the event, namely the destroyed house as a result of nature. The “C” is the consequence of how you are feeling as a result of your belief. If you believe that the house is but materials which can be replaced while the safety of your family matters most to you, then your consequence will be fairly positive so long as your family is truly safe. But, if you are upset and angry over losing your house to nature, and questioning why bad things always happen to you, then your “C” will be negative as those emotions are leading you away from your happiness.
In the example above, our stress increases while our inner peace decreases if, in our dispute (“D”), we try to change “A,” the event. In most situations, we have no control over the events of our lives. So when we dispute the events, we increase our stress as we realize our lack of control. But, what we do have control over are our thoughts and actions, the “B.” The key to coping with perceived negative situations is not to change the situation, but rather to change our belief about the situation. Instead of feeling that the world is out to get you and that is why nature destroyed your house, changing your belief to understanding the randomness of nature, and redirecting your frustrations to positive action for others, will change your consequence, the “C.” Your stress will decrease as you are changing what you have control to change!
So, the key to stress reduction and the source of peace is in focusing our thoughts and actions on that which we can control, our thoughts and feelings, not on what we can’t control, namely situations and other people.
{loadmodule mod_custom,continue the conversation here or on social media}
How To Live An Awesome Stress And Anxiety Free Life Without Worry
Stress and anxiety are felt by us all. We can live a stress-free life and this article explains how.
“I am capable of thinking … yet I am not my thoughts; I am the thinker of my thoughts; therefore I can change what I feel and still be me”. -Terence Gorski
Each of us are responsible for our thoughts. Just as we create our thoughts, so also do we create our emotions and behaviors. Stress and anxiety are effected by our thoughts and behaviors. Our everyday stress can be eliminated once we believe that we can control our thoughts, therefore controlling our stress response.
When asking the question, “Who am I?”, we discover that a part of the answer lies within our thoughts, emotions, and actions. I often write and speak on this topic since the cause of anxiety and stress originates within ourselves, namely, within our thoughts.
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
We tend to feel stress and anxiety over situations in which we believe we possess a lack of control. The opposite being true; if I believe that I have control over a situation my stress and anxiety will be lessened. In my work experience I have witnessed clients remain in an unhealthy situation, even when there are healthy alternatives, because their fear of the unknown stops them from making a change. The unknown can be a source of fear for in the unknown we have no control. A lack of control leads to increased anxiety, therefore, someone may remain in an unhealthy situation since they at least “know” that situation and so assume they have control over it.
We need to keep our thoughts focused on the present moment, for it is only in the present that we have the control to make changes. Focusing our thoughts on the past may cause anxiety and a stress response as we can’t control or change our past; we can only learn lessons from our past. Focusing our thoughts on the future may cause stress and anxiety as we can’t control what has not as yet happened. To maintain a stress free life we need to keep our thoughts focused on the present moment.
This is one of the reasons an examination of our thoughts, and the importance in believing that I have control over my thoughts, is vital to healthy living in a stress-free and lowered anxiety state.
As I see it, there is a difference between stress and anxiety. Stress can be eliminated from our life, while anxiety, to varying degrees, will always be with us. I teach that stress, being subjective to the perception of a person, is a person’s emotional (and at times physical) response to life situations. Hans Selye, a scientist, in 1936 defined stress as “the non-specific response of the body to any demand for change”. Notice the word “change” in the definition. Change, an unknown factor and therefore something out of my control, causes a stress response. Stress, as I see it, is our subjective response to a perceived lack of control. Since it is our response, and we are in control of our responses (behaviors and actions), we can eliminate our stress by changing our response (belief and action) to the situation.
Anxiety, on the other hand, is a pervasive sense of worry or unease, typically about the future. Whereas stress is our response to current situations in life, anxiety is an unease within ourselves regarding future events and outcomes. Stress tends to come and go given our situations at the moment; anxiety persists, to varying degrees, within us. Since anxiety is a response to unknown future events, anxiety (assuming one is not diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder) leads us to take action. This action, in the form of preparing for the future, empowers us to tackle the unknown by taking control of things we actually have control over.
Anxiety is a component of our survival mechanism known as “fight or flight”. Anxiety is therefore a response in ourselves activated to help us survive by taking action! We will either physically or emotionally flee from, or stay to fight, whatever we perceive as a threat to our survival. This differs from stress which is our subjective response to a situation. Granted, mild stress may cause us to take action, but stress, as an emotion, is fickle as it comes and goes. Anxiety, mild most of the time, stays with us, vigilant in its mission of keeping us safe.
This is why, when I teach my clients about stress and anxiety, I teach them how to rid themselves of their stress, while reducing their anxiety. The goal for inner peace is not to eliminate our anxiety, the goal is in the actions we take to cope with our anxiety and everyday stress.
As I mentioned earlier, we can eliminate our stress by changing our response (belief and action) to the situation. How do we change our response? By changing our perception. The way we view the world is our perception, and our perception becomes our reality. This quote is quite powerful in its ability to succinctly explain the whole of what I’m trying to explain:
“We do not see the world as it is; we see the world as we are.” -Talmud
In other words, my perception of the world is directly related to my perception of self. Therefore, if I change my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, as well as my view of myself, I will change how I see the world! This is why it’s important to reflect on our thoughts, believe that we can control those thoughts, and focus on eliminating stress.
{loadmodule mod_custom,continue the conversation here or on social media}
Can I Control My Future Plans? Yes You Can
Can I control my future plans? Yes you can when you change perspective.
Have you ever felt anxious about future plans or situations? I have, and I’m fairly sure most of you have, too. The anxiety we feel is caused because of the unknown. Future plans are full of unknown variables, and each of those variables will increase my anxiety if I focus on them. Focusing my energy on something I don’t know or can’t control is anxiety producing.
The solution seems obvious; either try to control what is out of your control, or stop focusing on what you can’t control. As easy as the solution seems, the practice of the solution is not so easy. It’s possible to reduce our anxiety about future plans to lead a fulfilling life, but it takes persistence and a willingness to make some changes in your thoughts.
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
The first change we need to make to have a better future is our perception. Why perception? Because our perception is our reality. For example, if I perceive my relationship as broken, regardless of the feelings of my partner, in my reality it’s broken. My thoughts and feelings will lead me to act as if the relationship is broken. Assuming the relationship is not broken, I need to change my perception of the relationship so as to change my thoughts and actions about the relationship. When I change my perception I change how I think and feel. My emotions and my actions are in my control. When I believe that I have control over myself, and I make changes which are healthy, then my anxiety drops as I am now in control of my life, not out of control.
In this new perspective on life I start to see the world with some of that original wonder in which I used to see the world. I see a world with beauty. The biggest change is that now I’m looking more at the positive aspects of the world rather than from a jaded perspective. Yes, it is as easy as flipping from looking at the negatives to looking at the positives. I will now live a more fulfilling life in a better future.
Recently I had a client who was feeling a bit down and depressed because he was focusing on all that he had given up when he chose to stop drinking alcohol. The persistent thoughts of what was now gone placed him in this slump. If he flips his perspective he will realize all that he has gained as a result of no longer drinking to the point of getting drunk, missing work, all of which caused tension in the family. What he has gained is a renewed sense of self, an empowerment, a better family life, and a greater feeling of peace. Yes, he gave up something (alcohol), but he has gained much more than he has lost. The perspective shift is in his “choosing not to do” something versus his “giving up” something. Some will argue that this is merely a play on word usage. Maybe, but words are powerful and meaningful. Changing the words we use when we talk about ourself makes a world of difference on our outlook and perception.
Some of us choose not to change our perspective as we feel the issue is not mine but someone else’s. Blaming others or outside forces for how I feel takes away my control, giving that control to the other person or outside force. It’s all about empowerment. If I’m going to sit back and complain that nothing in life changes, or “I never catch a break”, my response is “what are you doing about it?” That’s the empowerment. Today, many groups and individuals are seeking and advocating for empowerment and choice. That’s exactly what I’m talking about! If you sit back and wait for something to happen you’re not empowered or in control of your life. Wake up one morning and empower yourself by saying “I’m going to think different; I’m going to look at life different.” This is the beginning of action and action is our power. Take action by controlling your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Now you are empowered and in control of yourself and your future plans.
Once you choose to take control of your life and change your perspective, you’re set to take the next step in dealing with the anxiety of that future plan or situation. One method that I teach my clients is making a two column list. Label the left column “what I can’t control” and label the right column “what I can control”. Now, examine the situation.
On the left column list all of the components of the future plans that you have completely no control over. On the right column list those components that you do have control over. When you’re done with your lists, examine the list of the things that I can’t control and consciously forget about them. Since we can’t control them or their outcome, there is no reason or need to focus on them. Our continued focus on these components will only increase your anxiety as there is nothing you can do about them. So stop focusing on that list. Rather, let’s talk about our focus on the other list, the list of things we can control. This list will enable us to live the fulfilling life of peace we desire.
We can’t simply forget about the first list as that leaves a void, and a void needs to be filled. What we fill that void with is the control we have over the right side column list. Filling the void by taking action on what I have control over will decrease anxiety since we are doing something about the future plans. Taking positive action to make a difference in our future provides us the comfort and security of a sense of control.
So now we start planning out what I will do to make a difference in those areas in which I have control. By taking action I’m affecting the outcome of a situation that I first thought was out of my control. I need to actively take control over what I have the ability to control. As a result I am now feeling empowered when I see the changes that I’m making. When I see change it encourages me to make more change which reinforces that I have the ability to make changes in future plans and situations.
When I talk about finding inner peace I’m talking about being in sync with my thoughts and feelings based on my values and morals. When my mind and heart are in sync, then I’m at peace regardless of what happens around or to me. I could feel a gamut of emotions, but while I feel those emotions, as long as I’m in sync with myself, I’ll still feel at peace with a perspective of a better future.
When negative situations happen in life, determining what I can and can’t control empowers me to take action on those things under my control. As long as those actions are in sync with my thoughts, feelings, values, and morals, then I remain in peace regardless of life’s situations or future plans.
{loadmodule mod_custom,continue the conversation here or on social media}