Posts by Chris Shea
Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff
In this podcast video episode I am joined by Stan Tatkin and a panel of experts as we all talk about the ways, and tips, for not sweating the small stuff.
#dontsweatthesmallstuff #paneldiscussion #YourTango #StanTatkin #ChrisShea #lifesjourney #empowerment #mindfulness #lifecoach #lifecoaching #selfhelp #lifechange
How To Make A Resolution A Positive Goal
“Plans are only good intentions unless they immediately degenerate into hard work.” – Peter Drucker
As the new year began many of us made resolutions for ourselves with healthy living intentions. We resolved to make our life better, to be healthier, to be successful, overall to be different from who we’ve been. But now, as the year progresses, we lament that many of our resolutions are not as accomplished as we hoped, and some we haven’t even started (or started yet now ended). What happened? What went wrong? Let me show you how to make a resolution.
As the Drucker quote states, our plans will not be successful, and we won’t reach our goal, if they don’t entail hard work. If we make resolutions which are too easy to accomplish we either put off for later, or just don’t fulfill us enough to continue with the task. If I may, I would like to expand on Drucker’s quote to include “plans which challenge and inspire us” we are more likely to stick with doing. The idea of hard work is important, but so are tasks which challenge and inspire.
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
It’s difficult for us to continue with a task or make a resolution if we don’t imagine the end goal, and that goal not only challenges our abilities but also is inspirational. Meaning, in the wider scope of my life, what impact does this goal make on others. True, resolutions tend to be for our healthy living intentions, but if we can imagine a benefit beyond ourselves we are more likely to complete the resolution.
For example, if we make resolutions to eat healthier, and the goal is solely for my health, and even though the resolution may be challenging, and I am doing my best to actively eat healthier, the odds of this new task continuing, solely based on me being healthier, is slim. But, if I realize, and believe, that my new healthy diet will not only benefit myself but also my family and friends, then my motivation to be an example to others will make the odds of me sticking with my resolution higher.
One of the reasons self-help groups are effective is due to a community effort toward a shared goal. The members form a community of encouragement, understanding, action, and altruism. Each of these qualities are important, but it’s the altruistic nature of the members toward each other which encourages each member to continue in their resolve. If we view our resolutions in a similar way, we will be successful so long as we are altruistic.
Mindfulness, which is focused on living in the moment, is a beneficial foundation for creating our resolutions. Mindfulness teaches us that the past only exists in our minds. Reflecting on the past, when done non-judgmentally, allows us the opportunity to learn more about ourselves from our past experiences and choices. We can celebrate those moments when life was wonderful, and we can examine those moments when life didn’t go well to decide what we can do different now and in our planning for the future. In this way our past isn’t ignored but honored for what it teaches.
Making resolutions is a beneficial way for us to set goals for ourselves based on what we’ve learned from our past. Making these resolutions allows us to live in the moment as we take the time to figure out what it is we resolve to improve. Resolutions don’t need to be made only at the beginning of a new year.
One of the wonderful elements of living in the present moment is that we can “start over” whenever we need to. If my day is not going as planned and I find myself getting frustrated, I can stop, breathe, and start again. I don’t need to wait until the next morning, or even the next year to start over. I can start over any time I feel the need. Therefore, if you find yourself needing more time to work on your resolutions, take the time rather than rushing through a list because of a self-imposed obligation.
Here are my tips for how to make a resolution for healthy living intentions:
- Before creating your resolution list, take the time to reflect on your past. On a piece of paper (or e-device), make two columns, one column for what events went well; another column for those events that did not go well.
- Consider what you have learned from living through the events of both columns. What you feel you need to continue to learn, or to work on, is the beginning of your resolutions list.
- Ensure that any resolution you create is doable and realistic. Yes, we do need to challenge ourselves, but we don’t want to set ourselves up for failure, either.
- For each resolution, write out a “plan of action” listing the resources you will need to accomplish your goal. Make sure that before you start your resolution you have the needed resources necessary to attain your goal.
- Give each resolution a due date, to keep you on track. But, if you find that you are working the resolution yet need more time, be flexible with your schedule.
- And, this is my favorite, be compassionate with yourself! Yes, push yourself and challenge yourself; but if you are honestly doing your best to accomplish your goal, be compassionate during those times which are the toughest.
Make resolutions which will give you a new beginning. Challenge yourself while keeping your expectations reasonable. Then you will see changes in your life which will translate into inner peace.
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Merry Christmas! What Does Today Mean?
Christmas has arrived! That magical time of the year when all seems to be at peace; when nature seems still, wars have paused, enemies have celebrated together, kids believe in magic and the hope of treasure. A time when most of us recall how we spent the season as a child, longing once again for that simplicity of life. Amidst all the secular commercialization, this time of the year still seems to hold a special place in our heart and mind.
In a little town in Italy, named Greccio, in the year 1223, St. Francis of Assisi, led an evening prayer service for the townspeople. To make the event meaningful he decided to recreate, live, the nativity scene of the birth of Jesus. Prior to this event, the displaying of nativity scenes was unheard of. But for St. Francis, the importance of the nativity event was in his belief that it was a real event. Historically, in the town of Bethlehem, a child, later to be named Jesus by his parents, was born. Francis, believing that this child was the son of God born into our world, wanted the people of Greccio to fully understand that our God is approachable and humble for He was born as one of us. What better way to explain this concept than by reenacting the scene with real people! As a result, over a thousand years removed from the town of Greccio, people worldwide display Nativity scenes.
In my reflections I ask myself, “This Christmas how can I make real that which happened over 2,000 years ago”? Every year, since I was a child until now, I watch the classic show “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”. The original version brings back so many fond memories, and now as an adult I continue to enjoy it for the meaning of the story. The Grinch couldn’t take away Christmas by taking away the people’s “stuff”. Christmas, for the Who’s in Whoville, meant a lot more than what they had or didn’t have. For them, Christmas was an internal experience of the heart. A deeper sense of what the season is all about.
What is Christmas all about? Is it the birth of a child, the son of God, into the world? And if so, what does that mean for me today? The humble birth of Jesus is a sign of the love God has for us, and that love needs to be put into action in the love we have for others. In order for us to fully love another we first need to love and respect ourselves. As God becomes one of us He shows us the importance of us as humans. If God respects us than we also need to respect ourselves We were worthy enough for our Lord to become one of us, it is important for us to feel that worthiness within ourselves. When we love ourselves we are more fully able to love those around us, and that outpouring of love makes “real” the presence of God in our lives.
So, what is this season all about? Loving ourselves and loving others so that the love of God may be present in our world. This is what St. Francis tried to show the people of Greccio. I hope Francis’ message continues today in the nativity scenes we have set up. This Christmas season find ways to make Jesus real in the lives of others. If we all did this, gave the present of love to another, just think of how different our world be. Each day is a new opportunity for us. Let’s take the magic of this season and make today a magical day of love.
I wish you and your loved ones a very merry, blessed and peace-filled Christmas!!
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Mary’s Example Of Faith And Trust – Christmas Eve
As a child, I recall Christmas Eve as one of the longest days ever! As an adult, I find this day filled with anticipation and excitement, for spiritually I know that tomorrow we commemorate the birth of Jesus my Lord. But today the birth is not my focus, rather, my focus turns to His mother, Mary. She was an unwed teenager from a small town in a desert who was asked the impossible; to trust so deeply in God when asked to bear God’s son. I have no doubt that Mary’s “yes” came with some hesitation and trepidation. And I’m sure she did not always have a pleasant time of it when dealing with her future husband, her family, and just the fact of being pregnant in general. Yet, through it all, Mary never gave up.
Jesus was born to this poor teenage girl in a stable in a small town in the far reaches of the Roman empire. He was born to a girl who took a leap of faith and trusted in her God. She persevered, not knowing the outcome. Onward she traveled, despite hardship and fear.
For me, Christmas is not only a time of celebration and remembrance; it is also a time when I feel challenged to live the example set forth by Mary; to trust, in faith, in my God; to persevere along the journey even though I may be scared or not understanding its end or purpose in my life. Today, let’s follow the example of Mary, a poor young teenage girl, who struggled the best she could, and in the end provided the world with its savior.
I share this song for your reflection (words are below). This song sums up for me how I imagine Mary felt. How do the words speak to you?
Breath of Heaven
I have traveled many moonless nights
Cold and weary with a babe inside
And I wonder what I’ve done
Holy Father, You have come
Chosen me now to carry Your Son
Do You wonder as You watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place
But I offer all I am for the mercy of Your plan
Help me be strong, help me be help me
Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Light in my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness
For You’re holy
Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Light in my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness
For Your holy breath of heaven
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How To Be Caring With People Not Feeling The Holiday Joy
I don’t think there is any other time of the year which evokes such strong emotions as does this time of the year. For some of us we are excited, joyous, filled with wonder and anticipation! We visit family and friends, host parties and gatherings, spreading joy everywhere we go! But yet there are some of us who feel quite the opposite this time of the year. I think of those who recently lost a loved one, suffering from physical or mental health issues, separated from loved ones, and even estranged from family. There are those who past experience of the holidays wasn’t pleasant, and those who feel trapped in life situations.
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” While these song lyrics may be true for some, they’re not necessarily true for everyone. I’m not writing this to bring down the mood, for what I am saying is that we need to be mindful of people around us who may be suffering while we celebrate. Not all of my past holidays have been joyous, and I’m sure neither have yours. Some of my current clients are dreading these next few weeks, while other clients are looking forward to a new beginning!
Regardless of how we may feel about the holidays themselves, this time of the year finds many of us feeling the burden for perfection. As joyous as we may be, the expectations for a “Rockwell Christmas” haunt the best of us. While we still have our day-to-day tasks to complete we must also decorate, buy gifts, and attend social functions. These expectations, especially if we feel obligated, can cause stress and anxiety even in those who enjoy this time of the year. Now imagine the stress and anxiety felt by those who are simply trying to cope with life let alone the added expectation of the season.
This time of the year we tend to focus more of our attention on helping others and on giving back. Therefore, what can we do to either help or give to someone who is suffering during this holiday season?
- Create an awareness within yourself and your children that not everyone feels joyous this time of the year. This awareness is not meant to place a burden on us, but as a recognition for the reality of others.
- Create an environment where all people feel open to honestly share their feelings. While attending or planning parties and gatherings don’t simply encourage everyone to participate, be respectful of those who are having a difficult time participating. Try to plan activities which would allow for a person to participate to the degree in which they feel comfortable.
- Be mindful that your expectations of what makes up a holiday celebration may not be the expectations of others. Allow yourself the flexibility to be open to the traditions of others as well as to how others may be feeling. For example, if you are organising the family dinner, take into account any family members who have had a difficult year. Allow them the space or the time to speak, or not speak, if they wish. Be aware that their showing up may have been a difficult task in and of itself.
- If you know someone struggling to cope with a mental illness, or emotionally struggling, be a supportive friend. Allow time in your holiday schedule to be present to them even if words aren’t spoken. Never underestimate the positive effect and healing quality of presence. If possible and appropriate, encourage them to join you at small gatherings and surround them with people who have their best interest at heart. Isolation, especially during the holidays, is not healthy.
- Encourage them to do activities focused on taking care of themselves and their emotional health, regardless of the expectations placed upon them by self or others. Help them to understand that It doesn’t make you a selfish person when you prioritize yourself, it is actually essential toward your well-being.
- Take time from the busyness of this season to be an effective listener to those who wish to share their feelings. Encouraging and allowing others to share how they feel may be the most helpful thing you can do for them. Silence, especially for someone who is suffering emotionally, is not healthy this time of the year. If they are reluctant to share, lovingly encourage them by letting them know that you will listen without judgement regardless of what they wish to talk about and share.
During this holiday season, as many of us join together with our families and friends, let’s be grateful and joyous in our traditions and fellowship. But let’s not forget those who are emotionally suffering at this time of the year. Being respectful, understanding, and lovingly present is the best holiday gift a person can receive.
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Have A Positive Life Through Mindful Imagination
As I’ve grown older I realize that I’m not as creative as I was as a child. Whether that’s actually true or just my perception, it’s my current reality. Children have a sense of wonder about them, partly because many of their life experiences are new to them. I watch the reaction on the face of my granddaughter, not yet a year old, and I see the wonder and amazement as she experiences the word around her for the first time. I don’t remember ever being that age, but I do remember that as a child my imagination and creativity were awesome!
As children, we imagine ourselves as being any occupation, and even some made up super human people saving the world. Our desire to experience the world in all its fullness, and add to it, seem to wane in many of us as we age. I think the education system is partly to blame, but, realistically, I blame the economy. Why? Most of us need to find employment to survive, and many of the jobs are routine and mundane. Rare are those who gain employment wherein imagination is necessary. The rest of us simply live out our lives, as happy and content as possible. Yet lacking in imagination.
Imagination guides us toward our hopes, keeping us enthused and passionate about life. Imagination leads to discovery and understanding. Imagination, when grounded in reality and sprinkled with an appropriate amount of dreams, guides us along the path of possibilities. Imagination is what separates us as humans from the rest of the animal world. We have the ability to think and feel beyond and outside of our reality. We have formed societies on the imagination of national borders, religions, and money; none of which exist but for our imagination. We place importance and value on gold rocks and shiny gems, but the reality is that their value only lies in our imagination. How is this any different from a child placing value on a random object?
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
Mindfulness, focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, enables us to be rooted in the present moment. Children live in the present moment, focused on what they now feel and in what they are now doing. In a positive way, we can learn from the example of the child who is so focused on the present that they notice the wonders of the world which pass us by in our hurried lives. What child doesn’t stop to watch the ant or to play with the spider, all the while the adult is yelling at them for taking too long to get something done.
In that moment when the child is watching the bug they are also imagining what that bug’s life is like. Where does it live, does it have a family, is it playing or working? The child uses their imagination to learn more deeply about the world around them. Do we?
Understanding and believing that my current reality does not always need to be my reality, imagination blossoms into hope. Mindfulness allows us the understanding that we can’t change our past, but we can learn from the past to help us prepare for the future. Our current reality, our current situation in life, does not need to be our reality in the future. The only way that I’m going to see a different future is to imagine a different reality. My imagination is capable of becoming my reality.
Who I am has a lot to do with my imagination. Ask yourself these questions:
- As a child, how did I imagine myself and my world?
- As an adult, how have those images and dreams changed?
- What are the common themes?
- What, practically, can I do to make my dreams a reality?
Don’t let adulthood stop you from imagining, dreaming, or having a sense of wonder! Experience your reality in all of it’s wonderment, and imagine a future of hope, possibilities, and peace! Children do.
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Finding True Gratitude Through Mindfulness And Action
For as long as I can remember, November is a special month for me. Why? Well, autumn is in full swing and the holiday season is just around the corner! November is also a special month for me since it’s a time which inspires gratitude. During this month many of us take time from our busy lives to reflect on what, and whom, we are grateful.
The dictionary defines gratitude as “the quality of being thankful”. We recognize that in our lives there are things for which we are grateful, regardless of our life’s’ circumstance. If we look hard enough, we will find something, at least that’s what I’ve been told. A platitude to be sure, although in this platitude we find wisdom. Namely, if my perspective and goal is to find something for which to be thankful, I will find it. The opposite is true; the more I focus my perspective on the negatives in life the greater the belief that my life is completely negative.
Simply being thankful, or grateful, for the sake of being grateful, is not always altruistic. Can our sense of gratitude also be self-serving? Might it be a mask for our own narcissistic consumerism? Think of what you are grateful for, noting how many items are materialistic goods versus people or talents. A review of social media postings on gratitude overemphasize goods, money, prestige, etc. Isn’t it possible that our gratitude could reinforce our desire for what we think brings happiness? Have you noticed the irony, that the very next day (or even that same evening) after we celebrate being thankful, we celebrate shopping, materialism, greed, and rudeness! Gratitude alone, as the end goal, leads to self-centeredness.
Am I saying we shouldn’t be grateful? Not at all! Gratitude, when mixed with mindfulness and a healthy intention, leads us to a sense of inner peace. If my intention is to be grateful because it looks good, is what everyone else is doing on social media, it will show people all that I have, etc, then I become self-centered. Yet, if my intention is to be grateful for the sake of being thankful with a readiness to show appreciation, then I will find my inner peace and happiness. Why? Because being grateful is not the end goal, rather, gratitude is the beginning of the process of giving back.
The dictionary further defines gratitude as a “readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness”. The key of this definition is the phrase “…and to return kindness”. The intention and end goal is no longer self, but the action of giving back to others that which we have received. As we think of others and their needs our gratitude shifts from what we have to what we can give to others.
Mindfulness is commonly defined as “a means of paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” The practice of mindfulness coupled with an attitude of gratitude focus us on the present with an appreciation for what we have now, rather than wanting more and more. Maintaining a focus on an appreciation in the present moment protects us from the evils of greed which will turn us away from our inner peace. Gratitude for what we have at this moment, mixed with a desire to return kindness to others, is a healthy sense of gratitude creating in us a deeper sense of self and peace.
True gratitude practiced mindfully reveals a connectedness. Being thankful connects us to those who have given us the reason to be thankful while at the same time inspiring us to be gift-givers. In this sense our well-being and the well-being of others are connected. We begin to understand more fully how social connections impact us. Spreading gratitude to others creates gratitude in the other. The cycle is repeated when that person in turn spreads their newfound gratitude on to others. Gratitude, as with hate, spreads rapidly throughout societies. If we examine that first Thanksgiving in colonial America we discover that the gratitude and thankfulness celebrated was not in the food shared, but in the connectedness of the people present.
Therefore, our challenge is to mindfully reflect on what it is that makes us grateful. In so doing let us not fail to recognize the people outside of ourselves. Acknowledging gratitude for our material goods and the gifts that we have is not sufficient. We need to also acknowledge gratitude for the people whom we know, and those unknown to us, who enable us to have and to be who we are at this the present moment.
During this holiday season, as you gather with family and friends, acknowledge, in gratitude, those family members who have made it possible for you to be the person you are. For better or for worse we are the products of our history embedded within a society and a family who have made possible our lifestyle. By reflecting in this way we remain outside of ourselves while embracing our connectedness. When our thankfulness becomes compassion and compassion leads to action, then true gratitude is realized.
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5 Reasons Why Inner Peace Is Important
So many of us are seeking inner peace that the question of why inner peace is important comes to the forefront. Inner peace is a concept which I speak and write about quite frequently. For me, the pursuit of inner peace is more important and vital then the search for happiness or success. Happiness is nothing more but a fleeting emotion, and success can be taken from us just as easily as it can be gained. But true inner peace is permanent.
Inner peace is not just for those who dedicate their lives to prayer or spirituality. Inner peace is attainable regardless of our lifestyle or occupation. As I have previously written, inner peace can be found as we learn to mindfully view ourselves and the world around us.
I define inner peace as a state of emotional and mental peace without disturbing thoughts, and recognizing our control over our moods and reactions. It is essential for inner peace that we believe it’s possible and that we believe we are in control of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Once we truly believe and acknowledge this, the foundation for inner peace has been built.
When one attains inner peace you find that you are able to cope, in a healthy way, with any event or situation happening around you. inner peace does not take away or eliminate our anxieties or fears, rather inner peace allows us to cope with those anxieties and fears, through which we learn and move beyond those anxieties. Neither anxieties or fears are possible to be eliminated, but anxieties and fears can be utilized as a means for further growth.
In my private practice and in speaking with people in general, I find that most people do not believe that inner peace is possible. I can understand why this feeling exists since many of us don’t have inner peace. But just because we don’t have it does not mean that it’s not attainable. Please refer to some of my previous writings to learn how to attain inner peace as this article is not focused on the how but on the why. It’s my hope that if we understand why inner peace is important we may be encouraged to strive to attain inner peace.
Here are but a few of the reasons that I feel inner peace is important. I’ve reflected on these in my own experience along with the experiences of my clients. This in no way is an exhaustive list but rather a start for you to add on to.
- It improves our ability to focus our mind. In today’s world there are many distractions which cause us anxiety and worry. The anxiety and worry which we feel is not productive and causes us to lose focus on ourselves and our families. Inner peace teaches us the proper coping methods so that we can turn our anxiety and worry into action steps while maintaining the focus of our mind on what is truly important in our lives.
- It helps us to show patience and tolerance. If you have any dealings with social media you are fully aware of the lack of tolerance and patience people seem to have these days. Inner peace allows us to be patient and tolerant of the views of others without the need for anger reactions or responses. Inner peace teaches us that through patience we can better understand the situation and therefore better understand solutions to the problems.
- It provides us the ability to sleep better. Many of us do not get the proper amount of sleep either because we are overworked or our minds are overworked. Since inner peace helps us to cope with our stresses and anxieties it allows our minds to not only focus but to slow down thus enabling us to gain a good night sleep.
- It enables us to enjoy happiness. Happiness is but a fleeting emotion although an emotion which does not happen easily these days. Having an inner peace and therefore less stress and anxiety allows us to more deeply feel our happy moments. As we practice mindful living and a sense of inner peace those moments of happiness feel greater and seem to last longer.
- It improves our relationships with others. How we feel about ourselves is how we perceive the world around us. That perception of the world guides our responses and actions. If I am feeling an inner peace my view of myself will be improved, therefore the world around me will seem better and brighter which will lead to more positive reactions and actions on my part. The more positive that I can be in my relationships the more positivity I will receive from the other.
I know from experience that finding and living with inner peace is possible. I’m not speaking academically or theoretically, but personally. Once you can believe that inner peace is attainable for you then you too can work toward gaining inner peace. The reasons why inner peace is important are many! It’s my hope that as you work on your own inner peace you will add to my list.
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5 Reasons Why Mindfulness Matters
If I were to ask you “what ultimately do you want from life?”, many of you would answer “to be happy”; “to have money”; “to have success”; etc. We seek answers from life, while our culture answers with “get more stuff and gain fame then you will feel happy”. Will this suffice as your answer to your life question? Is that really what you want, or is there something else, something deeper for which you long?
During my time as a counselor I have worked with clients from every socio-economic status. Regardless of money or available material resources, everyone was seeking a common answer, namely, how to get a deep feeling of peace. As a result of their life struggles they came to realize that material goods and wealth is fleeting and can be lost. Therefore, they could no longer find satisfaction in material goods.
What makes me different from other life coaches is that I’m not promising you your dreams. I work in leading you to find inner peace, resulting in a self love expressed in action. My goal is not to make you successful, rich, or famous. I don’t care if you succeed or fail in aspects of your life. My goal is for you to find inner peace despite what is happening in your life. The key is found in your priorities and your perception.
The way to find our peace is through the daily practice of mindfulness. Why does the practice of mindfulness matter? A bit over 5 years ago I made a significant job change which “forced” me, as a type A person, to slow down. At the time I wasn’t yet consciously aware that I was beginning to live mindfully. As I slowed myself internally and externally, I focused my thoughts and attention on the present moment. No longer was I dwelling on my past nor anxious about my future. This was quite the change for me as I used to be the king of anxiety and worry!
It was during this time I’m my life when I discovered Jon Kabat-Zinn’s definition of mindfulness: “a means of paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” Personally, the two key phrases in this definition which are important to me are “on purpose” and “nonjudgmentally”. To find inner-peace we need to consciously make the choice to spend time every day focusing our attention on what is happening around and within us. Our focus is not meant to judge what is happening, just to notice it, to experience it. As we become aware of our surroundings and inner self, we become aware of life’s joys, sorrows, difficulties, potential, and hope. In this state of focused awareness we are enabled to discover solutions. This is why mindfulness matters.
In the past five years or so there have been significant studies conducted by reputable organizations such as Harvard on the effectiveness of mindfulness. The results, without dispute, show that mindfulness and meditation not only make us feel better, but can physically heal the body and grow gray matter in the brain. Mindfulness is not simply a nice thing to do, science is proving that it actually heals the body and mind.
Mindfulness matters because it’s a means of finding inner peace. Instead of seeking just satisfaction in life, seek peace. Peace is not a fleeting emotion since it’s a state of mind and being. Being at peace does not come and go as the situations change. Peace is the constant through which we view and react to situations. For example, I can feel sad and remain in a state of peace, but I can’t feel both happy and sad at the same time. Therefore, striving for peace leads us deeper into ourselves.
The belief that we don’t have control over our lives leads us away from inner peace. The more that I feel out of control in my life the greater my anxiety. When you understand, and believe, that you do have control over your thoughts and feelings, then you admit that you do have some control over your life! Since you have control you are no longer helpless! We may not have control over our situations, but we do have control, always, in how we respond to our situations. How I perceive the situation and what action I take influences how deeply my inner peace is being rooted.
As I personally continue to learn about and experience mindfulness, I have come up with this list of my 5 reasons why mindfulness matters.
- Mindfulness keeps us focused in the present moment, the here and now. Why is this important? We have no control over the past or the present, so we feel anxious. But, we do have control over how we respond to the present moment. Keeping our thoughts on the present is empowering.
- Mindfulness changes my perception on learned helplessness. Many times, if we’ve suffered from trauma, we tell ourselves that we are now, and always will be, helpless to avoid negative impacts in our life. By working on number one above we can change our thoughts from those of helplessness to those of solutions. Remember, anything we’ve learned can be unlearned or learned differently.
- Mindfulness keeps us from getting discouraged. We become discouraged when our expectations aren’t met. Was the expectation reasonable? Did you have control over the outcome? Mindfulness, by focusing on the present, helps us keep our expectations reasonable, and as mentioned in number 2, guides us in understanding what is and is not in our control.
- Mindfulness changes our perspective. This is an essential reason why mindfulness matters! Perspective, the way we view and so respond to our world, is sometimes skewed because of past trauma, unpleasant situations, past hurts, etc. Using mindful meditation to focus ourselves on the present, and so on how we feel, will guide us to refocus our perspective, therefore responding in a more healthy way to our situation.
- Mindfulness calms our anxiety. I mention this one last on purpose. If you can accomplish 1-4 above, the natural result, or consequence, will be reduced anxiety. By focusing on the present moment, we understand what is and is not in our control, allowing us to no longer feel helpless and so change our perspective.
Mindfulness matters to each of us in our daily lives. I know from experience the change that mindfulness can have on a person, and I desire for you to have a similar (yet your own) experience with mindfulness. Start slow by meditating 10 minutes a day and consciously refocusing your thoughts on the present moment. Over time, increase your meditation duration and do more mindfulness exercises. You’ve got this!
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How To Cultivate Self Love
To cultivate self love is such an important aspect for our health yet many of us either don’t think of loving ourselves or feel that we are unworthy of self love. To love is not an easy task yet we find it much easier to love others then to love ourselves. Why is this? I believe it’s because we know ourselves too well that we find it difficult to cultivate self love.
The idea of loving humanity is easy to grasp since we don’t have a personal relationship with all of humanity. I can feel a sense of love for the poor or those affected by natural disasters, because I don’t know them and therefore don’t know their flaws. Once we know a person’s flaws we judge them to decide who is worthy of our love and who is not.
Since we are aware of our own flaws many of us have judged ourselves unworthy of our love. We may even feel uncomfortable when others express their love for us, but we can let that go since we understand that they do not know us as well as we know ourselves. We may even tell ourselves that if they did know us as we know ourselves they would never express a desire to love us.
Yet, if we are seeking to find our inner peace, or at least a sense of happiness in life, it is vital that we learn to love ourselves. Not only do we get in the way of ourselves, modern society does not mirror for us what a healthy self love is. Much of society relies on a notion of love based on what we have, or who we have, or on our wants and desires. A healthy self love is focused on growth, caring, and an enduring desire to be the best person that one can be.
When I speak of cultivating self-love I am not speaking of love as a theoretical concept, but an understanding of love as a true belief. In order to find happiness and inner peace we need to honestly believe that we are not only worthy of self love but that we actually do love ourselves. Self love is focused on who we truly are, accepting ourselves for all the good and all the areas in which we need to grow. Unconditional self love accepts our flaws, guiding us to constantly seek personal growth and Improvement. We do not see our flaws as a hindrance to our growth but as the impetus to strive to be the best person we can be.
To cultivate self-love is a process which takes time, but in the end the results are amazing! Here are 10 things I suggest to my clients that they do, on a daily basis, to help cultivate self love and grow into a true feeling of inner peace:
- Practice mindfulness. What I mean by mindfulness is that we focus our thoughts on the present moment allowing ourselves to fully experience what we see and feel in each moment of our life. Mindfulness is a way to slow ourselves so that we can appreciate the little things in life which can pass us by. It is through this process of slowing down that we can more fully understand who we are, our place in the world, and what we need to do to grow in a healthy emotional and mental state.
- As we reflect on ourselves we begin to differentiate between our wants and our needs. Too much focus on our wants prevents us from finding inner peace since we will never achieve or accumulate all of our continuous wants. Focusing on our needs, and finding creative ways to satisfy those needs, leads us to inner peace for we become fulfilled and empowered through our achievements.
- Forgiveness is an important aspect of love since we can’t love another and not ever have the need to forgive them. Just as we would forgive another for something they have done, we also need to forgive ourselves for all that we have done. Forgiveness, freely given, frees us to move on knowing that the wrong we have done no longer weighs us down. None of us are immune to doing things which will need to be forgiven, that’s part of being human. The issue is not in doing things which require forgiveness, the issue is in what we learn from what we have done. It is not productive to focus on our flaws but it is productive to compassionately forgive ourselves, learn from our wrongs, and so grow in wisdom.
- The main difference between a victim and a survivor is that the survivor has created options and is taking action. As we strive to cultivate self love we need to take action steps in making the changes in our lives which allow us to grow. As has been said, love is an action not a noun. Determine what actions you need to take, moving forward to making those actions a reality.
- One of the ways in which we can grow is in challenging ourselves to accomplish things which we never felt were achievable. I’m not suggesting that we all need to climb Mount Everest, but I am suggesting that all of us find those aspects of our lives which we feel challenged by and rise to that challenge. The wisdom and the knowledge gained as we reach new heights will empower us to feel worthy of loving ourselves.
- In helping others we help ourselves. There is a lot of truth in this statement for when we challenge ourselves to give of ourselves for another we gain a deeper sense of what love in action is all about. The help and love that we give to others is returned to us. This is not simply a cute statement but a reality which I have found lived in my own experience. If you want to love yourself you need to find the strength to love and help others to love themselves.
- Letting go of what we can’t control in life leads us to a deeper sense of peace and self-love. Changing those areas of our life in which we have control to change enables us to grow, while letting go of those things which we can’t control relieves our stress and anxiety as we no longer struggle with what we will never accomplish.
- Focus your action steps on reasonable expectations and outcomes. The feeling of stress and anxiety keeps us from feeling peace and self-love. Having unreasonable expectations which are never met not only increases our anxiety but can teach us that we are worthless as we can’t seem to accomplish or reach our expectations. Yet the reason we cannot achieve those expectations has nothing to do with self-worth but has everything to do with unreasonable expectations. Practice placing reasonable expectations and you will find the outcomes will follow.
- I am pleased to see many recent articles talking about the need and importance for simplifying one’s life. As we gather more material goods and keep ourselves busy to make it look good for others we find that we are more stressful and anxious than ever. It’s reasonable to think that the more we simplify our life, downsize, get rid of material possessions, and be active in those areas which are important to our growth, will reduce our anxiety and open us up to be receptive of the self-love and inner peace we desire.
- Be passionate about all you do and you will receive much joy and satisfaction from life. Whether it be your job, family, or hobbies being passionate about life will make you feel more worthy of the self love which you desire.
To cultivate self love is a process involving many aspects of our lives. We must truly believe that we are worthy of self love and take action in helping others. Mirror that love which we so desire in our own life. In the way that we love other people, are compassionate, and forgiving, so too we need to be all of those things for ourselves. Treat yourself as you treat others and you will find self love and inner peace.
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