Finding Inner Peace
Life Coaching – Why Do I Need It?
Do you find yourself feeling anxious or stressed? Maybe life isn’t the way you expected and you aren’t sure how best to cope. Do you find yourself needing goals and a path toward the future? I know I have answered yes to these questions at different times in my life. Who hasn’t? These are typical life issues many of us struggle with daily.
Through my own life experiences I have found that there is always hope, and always an answer to our worries and concerns. The answers may not be what we want to hear, or we may not know how to find them, but they do exist. In our struggle with life issues we tend to either keep them to ourselves for fear of embarrassment or ridicule; or we turn to trusted friends who most likely also struggle with similar life issues. Few of us turn to professional help. Why?
Until recently, the only professional help available to us was to see a mental health counselor. There is nothing at all wrong with this option! But, the prospect of seeing a counselor can be intimidating, expensive, and mis-understood. Unfortunately,, mental health continues to be stigmatized. I wish it weren’t the case, but those who suffer from mental illness are viewed “differently” from those suffering from a medical condition (I hope that changes soon). What are we to do when we are in need of guidance but don’t see any options or hope?
There is an option other than seeing a mental health counselor; visit a life coach. Life coaching is a practice that involves guiding people to identify and realize their goals, dreams, and aspirations while breaking through the barriers. By becoming self-aware we are free to develop our talents and potential. Not everyone who is struggling in life suffers from a mental illness. A life coach is someone who guides you through life’s struggle. Unlike a counselor, a life coach doesn’t diagnose an illness. A life coach is active in the sessions and can even follow up with you through text, quick calls or emails.
As a counselor myself, I am in no way disparaging the counseling profession, rather, I am offering an alternative. Many of my clients see me for life coaching rather than counseling because of the stigma of mental illness, or they don’t believe they have a mental illness. Many of us who struggle with life’s difficulties don’t rise to the level of a mental health diagnosis and illness. For example, if I cut myself while chopping food for dinner, I will place a bandage over the cut until it heals. But, if the cut is deep and the bandage is not helping, I will go the hospital or a doctor. In this analogy, the bandage is the life coach, while the hospital is the mental health counselor. If I feel sad over a recent loss and not sure how to cope, I would call a life coach. If I feel sad but can’t get out of bed or go to work, and the sadness has lingered for months, I would call a mental health counselor.
Life coaching is a process which guides us to formulate goals, cope with life’s stressors, and teach us the skills needed to live a healthy life. Life coaching is not that different from the role of a sports coach. The sports coach’s role is to make me better at what I already do. They teach me techniques I may not be aware of, and encourage and push me in ways I myself couldn’t. In the end, the sports coach makes me better at what I already knew how to do. The same holds true for life coaching. The life coach guides us to be better at what we already know how to do, namely, to live my life. Those areas of life which may need improvement are improved, and those areas of life which need encouragement we are encouraged to perform better.
Athletes at all levels of play use a sport coach for guidance. No matter how long a player has been playing their sport, regardless of their ability and fame, they still listen to the guidance of a coach. There is no shame in seeking out a life coach no matter your age or previous ability to cope with life. Living in the present moment, if you need guidance, seek a life coach.
When life knocks us down or confuses us, there is no reason to struggle alone. Seek out a life coach who will guide you, provide encouragement and hope, giving you the tools needed to live the best life possible.
If you’re ready to explore life coaching, I would be honored to help. You can read more about my practice or call me directly at 301-850-2177.
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Angry At The World? Use That Anger For Good
Maybe it’s just me, but it appears that anger is the main emotion of our time. Yes, there is kindness, and I do meet people who are not angry; yet, of the people I meet, more display anger than who display kindness. I don’t think my experience is abnormal.
In a study conducted a year ago, researchers Okuda, et al. discovered that 7.8% of the Americans they surveyed, 34,000 adults over the age of 18, found an overall prevalence of inappropriate, intense, or poorly controlled anger. That percentage may not seem high, but round out the numbers, and for every 34,000 adult Americans, 3,000 of them exhibit poorly controlled anger. (“Prevalence and correlates of anger in the community: results from a national survey.“ April 2015)
Why is there so much anger? We see it in the streets, in demonstrations, on social media, etc. I have my theories, but the focus of this article is not on the why, or the origin, of the anger. Rather, I write this article on anger from the perspective of mindfulness. In mindfulness we are urged to remain in the moment, non judgmentally. Following that suggestion, I don’t necessarily need to understand why someone is angry. What would be helpful, assuming the anger is taking a person away from their peace, is to guide that person to shift their perspective and so take an action in the hopes of returning that person to sense of peace.
As a counselor and practitioner of mindfulness, I don’t perceive the feeling of anger as either positive or negative. The feeling is the feeling; what I do with the feeling is what is either positive or negative. So, anger in and of itself is not the issue. My perception and actions based on the anger is the issue. Therefore, that many people these days seem to be angry is not what bothers me. What many of them are or are not doing is the issue.
Anger, as an emotion, has it’s place. Anger has been used successfully as a means of defense against danger, both physical and emotional. Anger, felt when we perceive a threat, produces in us an increase of the chemical adrenaline. This chemical prepares the body for a physical fight, and for later coping with the emotions of the event.
In today’s society, whenever we feel that our ideas, beliefs, or opinions are attacked, our basic instinct kicks in resulting in an anger response. Anger is undoubtedly the most judgmental of our emotions. It’s also the most moralistic, self-righteous, and repudiating. Most of us will defend, sometimes to the death, what we believe. Attacking a person’s beliefs or opinions is akin to an attack of the person themself. Why? Because we are the thinker of our thoughts! In essence, if you attack my thoughts, you attack what I created, and in so doing you attack the creator, me.
Anger is probably the only emotion which we consciously cling to. Think about the last time you felt happiest. How long did that feeling, in it’s intensity, last? And when the feeling drifted away, many of us say “I wish it lasted longer.” Yet, when it comes to anger, when was the last time that feeling simply drifted away? For many of us, we hold onto it, ruminating over and over the offense which was done. Logically, between the emotions of happiness and anger, which would you choose to stick around? I would choose happiness, but as I write this I’m not angry. If I were, odds are I’d be choosing anger.
Why do we hold on to anger? Let’s examine what the emotion of anger does for us:
- It provides us with a feeling of power.
- It enables us to believe that we are in control of the situation.
- It confirms for us that we are right and correct in our stance.
Examining this list, why wouldn’t I want to hold onto anger? Actually, there is a number one reason why we can’t bear to let go of our anger. If I give up feeling angry then I allow myself to feel less powerful, less in control, and I may discover that I’m not completely correct in my thoughts or beliefs. If I am willing to give over power and control to re-examine my thoughts, I have just opened myself up to self-examination!
Self-examination is one of the goals of meditation, and a means of growth. But self-examination can be scary as we uncover aspects about us that we may not wish to open, or aspects that even we don’t like. As we hold onto our anger we don’t allow for this self-examination. In many cases, that which angers us in others is exactly what we are covering up in ourselves!
As I see it, there is what I call a “healthy anger” as opposed to an “unhealthy anger”. Healthy anger is feeling angry by choice (I grant that all emotions ultimately are chosen, as I often mention. For the sake of this analogy I am taking some license). For example, you witness an injustice and become angry since your belief system speaks to justice for all. Your motivation for feeling the anger is not toward a self-righteous indignation or a sense to overpower someone “because I can”. Your anger, in this scenario, most likely will result in action toward resolving the injustice, whereby all parties involved will be granted a sense of peace. As peace overtakes the anger one is willingly open to self-examination. While the unhealthy anger is that anger which I hold in a self-righteous manner with no motivation or intention toward a sense of peace or self-examination.
The person who practices mindfulness, meditation, and self-examination (the best they can) recognizes within them a sense of peace and peacefulness. Note that I don’t speak of the “feeling” of peace, rather, the sense of peace. Feelings, such as anger and happiness, are fleeting. They come and go. Having a sense of peace within is not fleeting. A sense of inner peace speaks to an awareness of the person and their environment. We can feel angry, happy, sad, etc,, while at the same time maintaining a sense of peace. Look to people such as Ghandi and Martin Luther King, Jr. I have no doubt they felt anger, that was part of their motivation as to why they acted. But a reason their actions were not violent, and their rhetoric was of love is that they had a sense of inner peace allowing them to feel anger, yet not allowing them to betray their beliefs through their actions.
When we feel emotions and act in unison with our core beliefs, not violating our true self, then we are at peace. We may feel anger or sadness at situations or even toward specific people, but in maintaining a union between those feelings and our actions to our core beliefs, we retain our sense of inner peace even as we struggle through the turmoil of our feelings.
Our challenge is not to stop feeling angry. Rather, our challenge is to learn how best to respond to anger. Here are my steps for using anger for the good:
- Prior to feeling angry, practice mindful meditation and spend time in self-examination.
- When you feel anger, find your inner peace to help change your perspective to understand the situation from everyone’s viewpoint.
- Take action in union with your core beliefs and which will ultimately lead to the spreading of peace to all involved.
- When the situation is over, refuse the urge to hold onto the anger. Let your inner peace over take the anger and allow yourself time to re-charge.
I agree that there is much in our world toward which to feel anger, and there are many places and people who do not have a sense of peace. Use the steps above to rise to the challenge of using your anger for the good.
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Coping with the stress of the holidays
“All we have is the present moment. Focus on it; don’t miss an experience by living outside of the current moment.” – Chris Shea
This time of the year, between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day, is expected to typically be a time of joy, family gatherings, and the celebration of traditions. This is a time of the year when I reflect upon my childhood memories; memories filled with awe and wonder as the world seemed to be magical. Unfortunately, this time of the year is also one of increased stress due to all the activities we feel we need to do. Our wish to make this time of the year “perfect” increases our expectations, many of them unreasonable, causing us to overwork in our planning efforts.
“Preparing Christmas” Norman Rockwell
As a child I fondly recall watching the animated Christmas specials and reading all the Christmas books I could find. All of those stories not only have a positive ending, most of them depict a time of perfection. In these stories families gather and get along with each other, the house is majestically decorated, the dining room table set to rival the fanciest restaurant. My favorite American painter, Norman Rockwell, painted scenes of American life; some showing pain and suffering, others idyllic life scenes. Rockwell’s holiday paintings are among my favorite as they depict a world I wish existed, although knowing that a perfect world doesn’t exist.
This longing of mine, like the desire and longing of many other people, is part of the cause of our stress during the holiday season. We tend to focus our attention on the remembrances of the past, coupled with fictional idealisms of the holiday, producing a desire to re-create what never was, nor most likely ever will be. The holidays, as we perceived them in childhood, cannot now be exactly reproduced through the perceptions of us as adults, nor can we expect to create an experience depicted in the controlled environment of scripts, actors, and a stage.
The issue that I encounter this time of the year is one of unrealistic expectations. Trying to re-create a “perfection” which cannot be created means that we will fall short in our attempt. If I fall short, then I must have failed. That is the perception of many people, propelling them forth to not “fail”, while “failing” is exactly what will happen when we pursue perfection.
We do have control over our feelings and our current moment. Let’s not lose the experience of what is currently happening by living in either the past or the future. Experience the present moment for what it is. As I recall my childhood memories of the holidays, I try to keep them focused in the experience of the moment. Don’t let an expectation of perfection cloud the beauty of the memory and of the feeling that memory is now producing in you. Enjoy the memory and the feeling without trying to do anything with or to it. It is. You are. Live the moment without expectation and you will find that the stress of perfection will fade.
This holiday season, here are the steps I am working on to keep myself as stress free as possible:
- Refocus expectations: Take time to reflect on your expectations, considering what is realistic and what is not realistic. For example, we may want a house decorated as we’ve seen in advertisements, but, no matter how hard we try it never looks as it does in the picture. If you reframe your expectation and perception, you would recognize that you haven’t failed, actually you created something unique, something that reflects you, not an ad.
- Change our perception: Changing the way we perceive ourselves will change our perception of our world. Therefore, changing our view of this time of the year will change our expectations and so reduce our stress. For example, if you are hosting family, and the reality is that your uncle always makes a fool of himself at these family gatherings, keep your perspective focused on reality. Plan for what you can in expectation of your uncle’s shenanigans, for when your uncle acts as he always acts, don’t let it stress you; he is only doing as you expected him to do (and you previously planned for it). At least he’s consistent.
- Learn from your past: It’s important to spend time reflecting on our past, honoring the memories for what they are, and sharing them with current family and friends. Our past has shaped who we are today. Use the lessons of the past to create a present moment of peace. The purpose of the past is not to be recreated in the present, but to be incorporated with the present. Take what was positive for you in the past and use it in the present. What wasn’t positive for you in the past, modify now in the present to be more positive. Our past was not perfect; don’t expect the present or the future to be perfect either.
- Simplify your life: Easier said than done, I know. But if you think about it, our material goods, although useful, can be a source of our stress when our focus emphasizes our “things”. Living simply means keeping a proper focus, or perspective, on what is truly important in your life. Keep your expectations and perceptions rooted on who we are, not on who you think you should be.
During this holiday time of the year, take the time to enjoy the wonders, joy, and magic of the season. Keep your perspective and expectations reasonable to reduce your stress. Most importantly, focus on what is truly important to you!
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learning life lessons from Olympians
Have you, like me, ever dreamt of becoming an Olympic athlete? As I watch the current Olympic Games the talents of the athletes never cease to amaze me! Knowing that I will never be a member of an Olympic team, yet I realize that I can still learn much from these Olympic champions. Their example of persistence and training encourages me to do the same in my daily life.
Jim Ochowicz, who competed in the 1972 Olympic Games and coached the 2000 and 2004 USA Olympic men’s professional road racing team, said in a 2008 Forbes interview: “People don’t know the process which [athletes] undertake in their individual sports to reach the Olympic level. You get there by sticking it out. There [are] a lot of people that try and give up.” This quote inspires me!
In life, here is what we can learn from Olympic athletes so that we can achieve greatness in our personal lives:
- Focus on what matters. One key principle every successful athlete learns early on in their career is to stay focused on the task. In training, practice, and on the field, focus on one’s task and goal takes precedence above all else. For us to achieve success in life, we too need to maintain our focus on what matters most. We need to prioritize our goals and keep up our focus on achieving those goals. Not unlike an athlete, we will train, practice, and stay focused on our life’s goals.
- Determination. I feel that the secret to being determined is in doing something that you love and are passionate about. Think of the amount of hours, every day, an athlete gives to training and practicing their sport. Could they keep up that level of consistency and determination if they disliked their sport? Of course not. Find your passion and make it work for you. It may be a risk, but it’s a risk worth taking.
- Practice daily. As a counselor who studies behavior, I know the importance of repetition. If you can do the same behavior every day for at least one month, you will notice that the new behavior becomes an unconscious routine.
- Coaching. Who makes an athlete into the best they can be? Their coach! Who supports and challenges you? Find someone in whom you trust to be your confidant and coach. Let them guide you, challenge you and support you.
- Take care of yourself. Olympic athletes follow more people other than their sporting coach. Athletes have nutritionists, counselors, medical professionals, spiritual guides, etc. A great athlete understands that they need to keep up health in all aspects of their lives, as do we. It’s necessary then for us to make the time for relaxation, meditation, exercise, eating healthy and feeling healthy.
Katrina Radke, an Olympian swimmer who placed fifth in the 1988 Olympics has said: “If we focus on doing what makes us feel good, we can commit to it more easily. Once we get in the habit of ‘showing up’, we can have more chances of fully engaging our full self into the activity. In this place, I experienced much bliss.” There is nothing stopping us from becoming Olympic champions in our daily lives, except for our attitudes. Live like an Olympian and you will become one.
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The Secret to Overcoming Fear
When I was a young child I was petrified of thunderstorms. Whenever a storm approached I would find a place to hide, plug my ears and pretend there was no storm. In fear I needed to stop reality. I was told by my parents that thunder couldn’t hurt me, but it sure sounded like it could. I was also told by my parents that the sound of the thunder was only the angels bowling in heaven, and although that conjured a comforting image, the next lightning bolt immediately stole away what little comfort I had. I am told, although I do not remember this happening, that I was nearly struck by lightning when I was quite young. The story goes that I opened our old metal refrigerator door just as a bolt of lightning entered the house. I was saved, but probably mentally scarred from the event. Was that experience the cause of my fear?
Fear is a normal reaction built deep within our brains to aid in survival. When we feel threatened we will either flee or fight. As a young child experiencing storms, I chose to flee. As I grew into my teen years, still afraid of storms, I eventually made the decision to respond to my fear by fighting, no longer fleeing. My weapon? Study. I chose to study the weather to understand the dynamics of storms. I felt that if I understood storms they would no longer frighten me, and to this day meteorology remains a hobby of mine. Now I enjoy watching, chasing, and forecasting storms. I long to see a lightning storm at night to watch the beauty of the bolts streak through the air. What has changed in me wherein I no longer fear storms? Studying that which scared me gave me knowledge enough to no longer allow storms to scare me. The key concept is that I no longer allow the storms to scare me. I am making a conscious decision based on my knowledge of the situation in the moment.
How often along our life’s journey do we allow fear to overcome us? How often do we become so afraid we feel as if we are sinking? Many of us, myself included, fear the unknown. Change, even if for the better, is not always chosen as change implies something which is unknown. It is the not knowing which scares us. Once we step out of our comfort zone to take a risk, then the unknown becomes known, and we once again feel at peace in our new moment.
The challenge is to stay in the moment and to learn how best to overcome the unknown; how to challenge ourselves to enter into life when we may (and usually are) at a loss of control. Fear, and the sense of a loss of control, work together. We tend to believe that we are in control of our lives, yet the reality is that we have very little control over our lives. The belief that we are in control keeps us calm, while the opposite is true; the less control I feel that I have the more fear and anxiety I will experience, the greater my impulse to either flee or fight. Becoming comfortable with my reality in the present moment, which is mostly out of our control, lessens our fear providing us a sense of peace through acceptance.
On our journey through life, to overcome our fear to live peacefully, I suggest we reflect on these questions:
- How can I challenge myself to face the unknown?
- From where does my strength come?
- How can I learn to live in the moment?
- What does “acceptance” mean to me?
The less mysterious I am to myself, the less fearful I will be. The more I know of myself and all that frightens me, the greater strength I have to fight my fears.
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Kids Teach Us How to Find Peace
Have you ever thought to yourself: “I’m on a round object which is spinning and flying through space.” A few evenings ago as I was sitting outside reflecting on life, I noticed the movement of the stars and constellations over the hours I was outside. Then a thought hit me; we’re moving! I was sitting in the same spot in my yard, and I know that stars don’t move, yet they seemingly were moving. The constellations weren’t in the same spot they were when I first sat down as they were a few hours later. Of course I know, intellectually, that the stars aren’t moving, although I have never reflected on the implication that if the stars aren’t moving, yet they seem to be moving, then it must be me who is moving, even though I am sitting in the same spot! “I’m on a round object which is spinning and flying through space.”
According to my research, the earth is spinning, at the equator, at a speed of roughly 1,000mph! While at the same time that we are spinning, we are moving forward at an estimated speed of 67,000mph! At all times, no matter what we are doing (like reading this article), the ground below us is spinning and moving forward at a rapid speed. We are on a giant ball which is spinning and moving through space! When was the last time you thought about that?
As I was contemplating the fact that I am riding upon a giant moving ball, my mind wandered to the tea cups amusement ride. As a kid I used to love that ride! As the cups moved along the track you could independently spin your cup as fast as you wanted. Now, as an adult, spinning in that way is not so much fun for me. Not that the ride scares me, but in that my body no longer handles the fast spinning motion. As I’m contemplating the celestial bodies and the movement of the earth, I realized that like an amusement ride, our ride through life is quite similar.
A child at an amusement park tends to enjoy most of the rides, and the scarier the ride the better; the more the ride made your stomach turn the better; the faster the better. As we age, those experiences no longer excite us as we tend to avoid those areas in life which seem to be scary, stomach-turning, and too fast. Rather, as adults we tend to look for experiences which are predictable, safe, and slow (I’m not talking about pace, I’m talking about challenges). What happens to us as we age which causes this change in attitude?
Let’s take a moment to think about some of the endearing qualities we find in children. Generally, they tend to be:
- Curious
- Adventurous
- Risk-takers
- Live in the moment
- Play
- Nap
- Creative
- Ask questions when they don’t know
Now, take a moment to recall that you once had these qualities. Some of us in adulthood still have these qualities, but generally speaking, we lost many of these qualities as we aged. As I reflect on myself, I realize that I lost these qualities as I came to understand that adult society, in general, frowned upon these child-like qualities. Like it or not, if I wanted to be accepted as an adult, I had to “act” like an adult. Or, at least, in the way society presented adulthood.
Children are usually happy and free because they don’t yet understand societal conventions, so they live their life in the present moment. I am not implying that we need to give up societal conventions and so do whatever we want as that could lead to chaos (or to a peaceful planet. Hmmm). What I am suggesting is that we remember what made us happy and peaceful as a child, and now as an adult find a way to bring back that feeling.
Let’s reflect on the list above from the eyes of an adult:
- Curious: Take the time to slow down to notice the world around you. Look at your world from a new perspective, similar to my reflection that we are living on a spinning moving ball. What does your curiosity say about you? What can you learn from your curiosity?
- Adventurous: When was the last time you took a risk? What stops you from taking a risk? I’m not advising you do anything dangerous, but try something outside of your comfort zone, or something completely different from what you typically would do. Afterward, reflect on what you learned from the experience.
- Risk-takers: Similar to my caveat above, I am not suggesting you try anything dangerous or damaging, but when was the last time you acted without thinking it through or planning the action? What about spontaneously taking a day trip or surprising someone with a visit.
- Live in the moment: Honestly, it is my experience with children wherein I learned about the peace you feel when living in the moment. I spent a several years as a chaplain at a children’s hospital, and regardless of the outcome from the child’s condition, they chose to live in the moment instead of dwelling on the future. Children who were dying, and knew what that meant, would say to me that dying will happen later and invite me to play with them. It was myself and the family of the child who dwelt on future thoughts of losing the child, all the while missing the opportunity in the present to enjoy time with the child.
- Play: What is the purpose of play time? To have fun, relax, be creative, learn skills, socialize, etc. Find opportunities which will result in those qualities being realized.
- Nap: Mexico, Costa Rica, Ecuador, Spain, Italy, Greece, the Philippines and Nigeria all take siestas, or naps in the afternoon. Maybe we need to find their wisdom and do like-wise. If you aren’t able to take a nap, can you find 10 minutes to close your eyes, or 10 minutes to walk around your office, building, etc. Just 10 minutes away from the stress and busyness of the day will refresh you mentally and emotionally.
- Creative: In his TED talk, Sir Ken Robinson shared a story about a young child who was coloring. The teacher asked the child what she was drawing, and the child replied “a picture of God.” The teacher said “but no one knows what God looks like.” The child replied “they will in a minute.”
- Ask questions when they don’t know: Many years ago, when starting my first teaching experience in a high school, I was given this advice: ‘if you don’t know the answer to one of their questions, make it up. They won’t know the difference and you won’t look stupid.’ Even as a novice teacher in my early twenties I understood how wrong that piece of advice was. How is it that when we reach adulthood we are expected to suddenly know the answer to all questions about everything? Yet, in the workplace, how often have many of us made up an answer so as not to look stupid among our colleagues? I have. But doing so tends to cause us stress, yet a child who asks when they don’t know doesn’t feel stress because they are being honest in their not knowing.
I challenge you to join me tonight watching the stars. As you do, reflect upon your ride of life and on the ride on our ball through space. Do we fear the ride or avoid it? Are we willing to raise up our hands and scream or grab the person next to us? Can we simply let ourselves enjoy the ride?
Ed note: This article was originally published by me at Your Tango. Reprinted with my permission.
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5 tips for knowing when to unfollow someone
The intensely heated political season in the US is leading people to unfollow others from their social media sites. It’s not just strangers they are unfollowing, either. I know of friends of mine who are unfollowing long-term friends, and, in one case, unfollowed a family member due to the political postings and comments they make on social media. Social media allows for a sense of anonymity, or, at least, a physical distance from the person with whom you are communicating, allowing people to feel more open and safe to engage in interactions which eventually lead others to unfollow them.
But what about in “real” life, as opposed to social media? There are people with whom we interact, whether it be at work, school, social circles, or even family members, whom we need to “unfollow” for our own mental well being. In a Forbes article (10 Toxic People You Should Avoid At All Costs) author Travis Bradberry writes: “Recent research from Friedrich Schiller University in Germany shows just how serious toxic people are. They found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions—the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with toxic people—caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response.” A toxic person is that person in our life who seems to suck the life out of us. Through their behaviors they create or live in constant drama, are needy, don’t respect boundaries, are critical of others, manipulative and judgemental. It’s important to note that I am not saying that the person themself is toxic, but that their behaviors are toxic. This is an important distinction as I am not labelling a person.
In my clinical practice I find that toxic people tend to suffer from at least one personality disorder. A personality disorder is defined as “long-term patterns of thoughts and behaviors that are unhealthy and inflexible. The behaviors cause serious problems with relationships and work.” Personality disorders begin in childhood continuing into adulthood. They are treatable with psychological intervention and behavior change work, as long as the person is willing to do the work needed to change their thoughts and behaviors to those which are healthy.
Albeit unfortunate that a person may suffer from a personality disorder which manifests as toxic behaviors, as the research indicates, we need to either learn how to protect ourselves or to know when to unfollow them in life. Here are my tips for knowing when it’s time to walk away from a toxic person:
- Set limits. Maintain a healthy boundary by limiting your time with a toxic person as well as limiting your energy. You may choose to listen to what they are saying, but you don’t have to engage in their rant. Limit the amount of interaction you have with them, telling them what you are doing and what the limits are. If they can’t or won’t respect you, you need to unfollow them.
- Be aware of your own emotions. Other’s emotions can be contagious, so be aware of your emotions when interacting with toxic people. If they are in a negative rant, check to ensure you too aren’t getting into those negative emotions. If you are, you need to politely leave the situation to refresh yourself. If the toxic person follows you or continues the rant after you’ve asked them to stop, you may need to unfollow them for your own emotional health.
- Be solution-focused. We all have choices, and we can either go through life being problem-focused, only looking at the problem and becoming discouraged, or we can be solution-focused; proactive and focused on action. If a toxic person brings you down, act, either by leaving the situation, or focusing on the positive qualities of the toxic person. We all have positive qualities if we look deep enough. Focus on their positives, and if possible, use their positives skills to your advantage or to the advantage of the job. If this is not possible, you may need to unfollow the toxic person.
- Be aware of your stress level. If you find yourself being stressed prior to encountering a toxic person, have self-understanding to avoid that person at this time. When we are stressed or anxious our defenses are down, therefore our ability to cope in a healthy way with a toxic person is diminished.
- Don’t go it alone. I’m sure there are others who also are affected by the toxic person. Enlist their help, not in a negative way focused against the toxic person, but rather in a positive way to keep a check on yourself. You may be too close to the situation to always realize when you need to get away from the person. Utilize healthy people in your life to help you stay on top of your emotional health.
Coping with toxic people is not easy, but if we understand that they are most likely emotionally suffering, and that their outward toxic behavior is a result of that suffering, then possibly we can learn to approach them with a bit of compassion. Your compassion, though, should not stand in the way of your emotional health. In life, as in social media, sometimes we need to unfollow people.
References:
University of Colorado Denver. (2014, April 22). Impact of Facebook unfriending analyzed by researchers. ScienceDaily. Retrieved July 14, 2016 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/04/140422130936.htm
Bradberry, T. (2015, November 10). 10 Toxic People You Should Avoid At All Costs. Retrieved July 14, 2016, from http://www.forbes.com/sites/travisbradberry/2015/11/10/10-toxic-people-you-should-avoid-at-all-costs/
Personality Disorders. (n.d.). Retrieved July 14, 2016, from https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/personalitydisorders.html
{This article was originally published at Your Tango by this author. Reprinted with permission.}
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Rest Stop (Fri) … freedom & hope is possible: here’s how
I’m writing this article while sitting at home on the 4th of July. Unfortunately, this summer holiday is being rained out in my part of the world. The cool temps, clouds, and rain make today feel more like autumn than mid-summer. So, while sitting here, I am thinking about freedom and how freedom applies to my life and not just a country. Do I have freedom? Am I truly free? Yes, we all have the potential to be free! Let’s find out how.
Have you ever thought of how minuscule our place is in the universe? I do. Try it now for a moment. In reference to the vastness of the millions of galaxies, and the large size of our planet, focusing now on my exact location, where do I really fit in? Am I just a cog in the gears of the universe, or do I have freedom?
A few weeks ago I attended a symposium focused on the current heroin epidemic in the US. The conference room was filled with professionals from multiple agencies, each focused on finding solutions to stop people from dying from opioids. As an addiction counselor myself I have worked with many people in their attempt to find freedom from their addictions. A person’s circumstances, life choices, views on life, and ability to obtain drugs all play a role in a person’s addiction. No one whom I’ve ever met aspires to becoming an addict, yet there are too many people who have lost their freedom to a drug. The ability for a person to move beyond one’s addiction into the freedom of recovery is, in my opinion, based on one important understanding; my ability to choose my attitude about myself and my life. Freedom is lost when we lose our perspective on life and allow others’ perspectives about us to take root and grow in our thoughts.
Not long ago, while I was out on a walk along the side of a road, I noticed a caterpillar also out on a walk along the same road. While watching the caterpillar I couldn’t help to think that his perspective on the world and where he fits in this vast universe is so much different from mine. Even though we both were only a mile or so from my house, would the caterpillar ever know that the world extends that far? I’m certain that he is oblivious to the actual size of our planet as his perspective, like our own, limits his world. There was a time when we humans didn’t even realize the vast size of our planet. How alike are we to the caterpillar?
As I further reflect on my caterpillar friend, I would like to think that his life’s perspective is simpler than mine. More than likely he stays focused on the present moment, hopeful and trusting that his instincts will properly guide him to safety and food. His sense of the present, without fear for the future, enables him to be free. When was the last time I was able to consciously focus on the present moment long enough to trust my instincts to guide me? There’s a lot I (we) can learn from this caterpillar.
Fr. Anthony de Mello, SJ, tells a story which I feel is appropriate to my reflections on the caterpillar:
“What would I do then?”
“Then you could really enjoy life.”
“What do you think I am doing right now?’”
Freedom comes from our perspective on life. As with the person struggling from addiction, when I allow my worldview to be dictated by another, I am no longer free. But like this story of the fisherman, and my caterpillar friend, focused perspective on the present moment combined with an understanding of where I fit in the scope of the universe, allows me to live in freedom; a freedom which comes from within, not a freedom dependant from society, culture, or other people.
One of my favorite H. G. Wells’ book is entitled “When the Sleeper Wakes” written in 1898. The premise of Wells’ story is a variation on the Rip Van-Winkle tale of a person falling asleep for a long time, eventually awakening to a world very different from the one he left when he fell asleep. In Wells’ telling, this futuristic world, on the outside, appears to be a utopia. Yet, as the main character learns more about how this new world is organized he realizes that the working class, through their mundane and tedious work, sustains the “utopian” society. In this world there is no chance or even availability for upward advancement.
I believe that true inner freedom fosters a sense of hope and imagination. Who among us does not have dreams for their life’s journey? Wells, in this story, portrays a world devoid of personal hopes or dreams. By removing a person’s ability to advance, what is the point of either hopes or dreams? Dreams give us hope since we know that dreams have, and do, come true. My faith and life experiences allow me to hope and dream as my ability to hope comes from an inner freedom born of a perspective focused on the moment infused with the understanding of my purpose in the universe. I don’t hope and dream because it’s something I’m supposed to do; rather, I hope and dream because I can. Freedom is in knowing and accepting where I am in the grand scheme of things; choosing my attitude about it, at any given moment, is my freedom.
As I continued my walk, leaving my caterpillar friend to his journey, I wondered how I could find my inner freedom. Here are my thoughts:
- How can I change my perspective to realize that even though there is always more to the world out there of which I am not yet aware, the world I do know is filled with potential, adventures and new friends, if only I take the time to notice them.
- What can I do different so that I can experience a life full of hope and dreams toward which I can strive?
- What am I allowing to stand in the road blocking me from inner peace?
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Rest Stop (Sat) Lessons from the twigs
Recently, a storm came through my area bringing with it gusty winds and heavy rain. Where I live storms are commonplace especially in the spring. That period immediately following a rainstorm is one of my favorite times to go outside. If you have never experienced nature immediately following a rainstorm I strongly suggest you give it a try. Personally, the air seems clearer and fresher, and there is a distinct smell of cleanliness permeating the air. It’s nature’s way of cleansing the Earth. When you do venture outside you will most probably notice debris on the ground consisting of dead twigs, branches and anything else that has fallen from the trees. Cleaning up after a strong storm is not typically a favorite pastime of mine, but recently when I was mowing the yard I noticed this pile of dead twigs which had fallen over the course of many storms. I took this picture as the positioning of the twigs gave me pause and a moment of reflection.
I wasn’t planning to reflect upon fallen tree limbs and twigs, but after noticing those branches and taking the picture I couldn’t help but to reflect on them as I continued to mow the lawn. The first thought that came to mind is that of the circle of life. I reflected on the purpose of those twigs and how those twigs perfectly performed the function they were meant to perform. These twigs grew as the result of the tree, gaining sustenance from both the tree and the land around it. These twigs not only took from the tree and land, they also contributed to the further growth of the tree by sprouting their leaves. Those leaves provided sustenance to the tree, shade for those who needed it, and precious air that we all need to live. But now those very twigs lay dead on the ground taken from the tree by wind and rain.
As I further reflected on the twigs I realized that even though they are now lying on the ground it wasn’t necessarily a sad moment, even though the twigs no longer brought light or shade or air. Nature not only washes herself clean, she is also a great recycler. Those twigs, although dead and lying on the ground, continue to bring forth life from the land. Those twigs will be food for some creatures while other creatures will break down those twigs into nutrients needed by the soil for new life to spring forth.
So, what have I learned from my reflection on the twigs?
- Periodically clean the clutter (the dead twigs) from your life. Discover in yourself those thoughts, actions, perceptions, etc. which do not bring you life but instead wear you down. Shake them free from you! Get rid of anything in your life which is not life-giving or supportive of your needs of happiness, growth and peace.
- Take the time to recognize your need to slow down and become mindful of your surroundings. Change your perspective to realize the good in a situation. I could’ve either not noticed the twigs, or become upset that I now had more work to do by needing to remove the twigs. Instead, I fortunately chose to pause and simply notice the twigs. In that act of noticing without judgement, I ended up learning from those twigs.
- Recognize that no matter your situation, you do have a purpose! Even though dead and plucked from great heights to now lay on the ground, those twigs continue to serve a purpose. Granted, the purpose has changed, and most likely not the purpose wanted by those twigs, but an essential purpose nonetheless. Discover and embrace your purpose in life!
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Rest Stop (Thurs) … The 4 Tips on How to Feel Successful
I use the above quote with my college students trying to challenge them to look at life, from a different perspective. In challenging our perspectives, and even our definitions, I am not merely playing semantics as I firmly believe that words actually do hold meaning. If you aren’t sure about the validity of that statement, think of the last time someone’s words either caused you joy or caused you pain. Words do have the power to affect our emotions, therefore, by challenging ourselves to look at our own definitions from a new perspective can change how we feel.
How I define success, or how success is defined for me, influences how I feel about myself. Many of us have culturally learned that success is defined by tangible goods and/or wealth. We hear expressions such as “If I have more things than someone else, I am successful”; or, “if I have a title or initials after my name, I am successful”. These cultural statements aside, I hope that people who have worked hard to accomplish what they feel is a level of success take pride in themselves. Yet, the question remains, does someone else’s level of success negate, or take away from, my perceived level of success? In other words, is one’s success defined in relation to another’s accomplishments?
For example, a person who works hard and deservedly obtains the position of CEO is perceived as reaching success in life. While another person who works hard, and is known to be the best plumber in town, although an employee of the company, not owner or partner, would we agree that that person also has attained success? What about the trash collector who strives to be the best collector there is; have they attained success? If we will agree that the people in these examples have attained success, would we also agree that each of them is as successful?
So why is it that many of us, although accomplished in what we do, continue to feel less successful than the person holding a higher position or making more money? I believe that one answer is due to our drive to challenge ourselves and to strive for excellence. These motives and qualities are positive, yet at the same time, they also perpetuate a self-told narrative that others are always better than I. Does this mean we shouldn’t strive for betterment? Of course we should strive to better ourselves, but not at the cost of sacrificing our core being or inner peace.
A quote attributed to the Catholic priest Fr. Joseph Martin (co-founder of Father Martin’s Ashley, now named Ashley Addiction Treatment) states “the good is the enemy of the best “. Striving to grow, mature and gain wisdom leads us to feelings of accomplishment and possibly even success. But that depends on our definition of success; ah I have just taken us back to the beginning of this article, yet not any closer to an answer than when you started reading.
Is there a definitive definition of success? Can we objectively apply one definition to everyone, or are we left with a subjective understanding of the concept of success? Personally, I believe it’s the latter. If the definition is subjective, then how I define success for my life is based partly on my perspective about my life.
Making this perspective shift requires us to look within ourselves to examine our motives for wanting to better ourselves and attain success. As mentioned above, the desire toward betterment is a positive notion and goal, yet it depends on my motivation. We need to ask ourselves “Why do I desire to be better?” Why do I strive for success, and how will I know success when I achieve it?” If my motivation toward betterment and success is based solely on the belief of “beating everyone else”, then I may be willing to compromise my core being and values to achieve that height of success, or else I may view myself as a failure. In this scenario, one’s success comes at a price. The idea of seeking betterment is not the issue; the motivation guiding you is what, in the end, causes one to gain everything, yet continue to feel empty and restless.
How can I change my motivation and perspective about success so that I may attain the best I can be and feel inner peace?
- Meditate: Take time each day, even just 10 or 20 minutes, and meditate. Either find a quiet location, or take a walk; whichever helps you best to focus. Now, focus on your breathing, not trying to control your breaths, just noticing them. Be aware of the air entering and the air leaving. Be aware of what you are feeling. Don’t judge the feeling, just notice it. Practice this daily and over time you notice that not only is the act of meditating becoming easier, but you yourself are feeling more at peace.
- Examine: Take time to reflect on what success means to you. Don’t judge your definition, simply define it. How does the definition make you feel? Does your definition match your core self and values? If not, ask yourself what you will need to change so as to create a match? Keep in mind that sacrificing who you are for temporal gain will not, in the long term, bring you to a state of inner peace.
- Confer: Take time to meet with family or close friends whom you trust to discuss your thoughts and feelings from numbers 1 and 2 above. Listen, without judgement, to their opinion. The next time you meditate, reflect on the feedback and your feelings concerning what you heard.
- Act: A saying I often repeat is “there are no problems, only solutions”. I don’t know who first said it, but it’s meaning motivates me to reframe my thinking and change my perspective from “problem-oriented” to “solution-oriented”. Creating a deep belief that solutions are possible, we will reach for success while maintaining a sense of inner peace.
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