Life’s Journey Blog
Tips For Helping Those Who Are Suffering During The Holidays
To quote a popular song of the season: “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” While this sentiment may be true for many of us, it is not necessarily the shared sentiment of everyone. As the end of the year mark’s a time for celebrations, holidays, and traditions which bring together families and spark feelings of joy, there are those whose memories and sentiments of this time of the year are quite different from customarily expected.
There are those who suffer from mental illness or whose memories of the holiday season are not of pleasant times. It is unfortunate that many of us forget that not everyone perceives this time of the year in the same way that we do. I’m not writing this to chastise anyone or to bring down the mood the season. What I am saying is that we need to be mindful of those around us who may be suffering while we celebrate.
Many of us feel the burden of unreasonable expectations for perfection this time of the year. While we still have our day-to-day tasks to do we must also decorate, buy gifts, and attend social functions. These expectations can cause stress and anxiety even in those who are enjoying this time of the year. Imagine the stress and anxiety felt by those who are simply trying to cope with life let alone the added expectation of the season.
What can we do to help?
- Create an awareness within yourself and teach your children to understand that not everyone feels joyous this time of the year. This awareness is not meant to place a burden on ourselves, rather as a recognition of the reality of others.
- Create an environment where people feel open to honestly share their feelings. At parties or gatherings encourage everyone to participate, while being respectful of those who are having a difficult time participating. Try to plan activities which would allow for a person to participate to the degree in which they feel comfortable.
- Be mindful that your expectations about what makes up a traditional celebration may not be the same expectations of others. Allow yourself the flexibility to be open to the traditions of others and to how others may be feeling. For example, if you are organising the family dinner, take into account any family members who have had a difficult year. Allow them the space or the time to speak if they wish. Be aware that their showing up may have been a difficult task in and of itself.
- If you know of someone who does suffer from a mental illness or is finding this time of the year to be emotionally difficult, be a supportive friend. Allow yourself to be present to them even if words aren’t spoken. Encourage them to join you at small gatherings and surround them with people who have their best interests at heart.
- Be supportive of those whom you know are suffering this time of the year by encouraging them to be selfish. Selfish in the sense that they need to do things to take care of themselves regardless of the expectations placed upon them. It doesn’t make you a bad person to prioritize yourself, it is actually essential to your well-being to do so.
- Take time from the busyness of this season to be an effective listener to those who are in need of sharing their feelings. Encouraging and allowing those who are suffering to share how they feel can be the most helpful thing you can do for them. Silence is not good for someone who is suffering emotionally this time of the year, even if they feel it is better for them not to speak. Lovingly encourage them to share by letting them know that you will listen without judgement regardless of what they share.
During this holiday season as we join together with our families and friends let us be grateful and joyous in our traditions and fellowship. But let us not forget those who are emotionally suffering at this time of the year. Being respectful, understanding, and lovingly present is the best holiday gift a person can receive.
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Coping with the stress of the holidays
“All we have is the present moment. Focus on it; don’t miss an experience by living outside of the current moment.” – Chris Shea
This time of the year, between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day, is expected to typically be a time of joy, family gatherings, and the celebration of traditions. This is a time of the year when I reflect upon my childhood memories; memories filled with awe and wonder as the world seemed to be magical. Unfortunately, this time of the year is also one of increased stress due to all the activities we feel we need to do. Our wish to make this time of the year “perfect” increases our expectations, many of them unreasonable, causing us to overwork in our planning efforts.
“Preparing Christmas” Norman Rockwell
As a child I fondly recall watching the animated Christmas specials and reading all the Christmas books I could find. All of those stories not only have a positive ending, most of them depict a time of perfection. In these stories families gather and get along with each other, the house is majestically decorated, the dining room table set to rival the fanciest restaurant. My favorite American painter, Norman Rockwell, painted scenes of American life; some showing pain and suffering, others idyllic life scenes. Rockwell’s holiday paintings are among my favorite as they depict a world I wish existed, although knowing that a perfect world doesn’t exist.
This longing of mine, like the desire and longing of many other people, is part of the cause of our stress during the holiday season. We tend to focus our attention on the remembrances of the past, coupled with fictional idealisms of the holiday, producing a desire to re-create what never was, nor most likely ever will be. The holidays, as we perceived them in childhood, cannot now be exactly reproduced through the perceptions of us as adults, nor can we expect to create an experience depicted in the controlled environment of scripts, actors, and a stage.
The issue that I encounter this time of the year is one of unrealistic expectations. Trying to re-create a “perfection” which cannot be created means that we will fall short in our attempt. If I fall short, then I must have failed. That is the perception of many people, propelling them forth to not “fail”, while “failing” is exactly what will happen when we pursue perfection.
We do have control over our feelings and our current moment. Let’s not lose the experience of what is currently happening by living in either the past or the future. Experience the present moment for what it is. As I recall my childhood memories of the holidays, I try to keep them focused in the experience of the moment. Don’t let an expectation of perfection cloud the beauty of the memory and of the feeling that memory is now producing in you. Enjoy the memory and the feeling without trying to do anything with or to it. It is. You are. Live the moment without expectation and you will find that the stress of perfection will fade.
This holiday season, here are the steps I am working on to keep myself as stress free as possible:
- Refocus expectations: Take time to reflect on your expectations, considering what is realistic and what is not realistic. For example, we may want a house decorated as we’ve seen in advertisements, but, no matter how hard we try it never looks as it does in the picture. If you reframe your expectation and perception, you would recognize that you haven’t failed, actually you created something unique, something that reflects you, not an ad.
- Change our perception: Changing the way we perceive ourselves will change our perception of our world. Therefore, changing our view of this time of the year will change our expectations and so reduce our stress. For example, if you are hosting family, and the reality is that your uncle always makes a fool of himself at these family gatherings, keep your perspective focused on reality. Plan for what you can in expectation of your uncle’s shenanigans, for when your uncle acts as he always acts, don’t let it stress you; he is only doing as you expected him to do (and you previously planned for it). At least he’s consistent.
- Learn from your past: It’s important to spend time reflecting on our past, honoring the memories for what they are, and sharing them with current family and friends. Our past has shaped who we are today. Use the lessons of the past to create a present moment of peace. The purpose of the past is not to be recreated in the present, but to be incorporated with the present. Take what was positive for you in the past and use it in the present. What wasn’t positive for you in the past, modify now in the present to be more positive. Our past was not perfect; don’t expect the present or the future to be perfect either.
- Simplify your life: Easier said than done, I know. But if you think about it, our material goods, although useful, can be a source of our stress when our focus emphasizes our “things”. Living simply means keeping a proper focus, or perspective, on what is truly important in your life. Keep your expectations and perceptions rooted on who we are, not on who you think you should be.
During this holiday time of the year, take the time to enjoy the wonders, joy, and magic of the season. Keep your perspective and expectations reasonable to reduce your stress. Most importantly, focus on what is truly important to you!
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Thanksgiving Day Reflection
“Don’t spoil what you have by desiring what you don’t have; but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for.” —Epicurus
(Norman Rockwell “Traditional Thanksgiving”)
Today, in the United States, we celebrate Thanksgiving, a holiday begun in 1789 by our first president, George Washington. In Washington’s proclamation the president stated: “this is a day of national thanksgiving and prayer.” It is a day for us to gather in remembrance and gratitude for all the blessings bestowed upon each of us, and for us, in prayer, to unite with our Creator as the one who has bestowed these blessings we now celebrate.
Thanksgiving traditionally begins that time of the year when we celebrate family, joy, peace and traditions as we head down the road to Christmas Day and later to New Year’s Eve/day. During this time I recall those special moments shared as a child; and now, as an adult, I again see that same joy, wonder and amazement through the eyes of the children in the family, and now, in their children’s eyes!
Remembering our past and viewing the present through the eyes of children hopefully returns us to a time when, in our innocence, we had a sense of awe and wonder about life. To once again ignite in us an already existing yearning to believe in things we may no longer believe as adults.
On Thanksgiving Day, many of us will be in a spirit of joy, peace and thankfulness. We recall all that we have, and cherish those with whom we have gathered. All is right in the world, until Friday arrives, the unfortunate other “holiday”, aptly termed “Black Friday”.
I am well aware of the origin of the term “Black Friday” in that it refers to the bottom-line budgetary profits for businesses selling goods. But, due to the behavior of many shoppers, “Black Friday” is aptly termed. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against consumerism nor capitalism. I too benefit from an economy based on people spending their money. My concern focuses on our perspective and intentions. Do the material goods I want take priority in my life? What are my priorities in life? Does family and faith come first or my desire to acquire material things? In Christian scripture we read about Jesus speaking on the topic of money and material goods, not that Jesus is against money and possessions, rather, Jesus challenges us to keep a proper perspective. In other words, do we put faith in our God or our possessions? What is more important in our life; our money and objects, or family, our God, and sharing with those in need?
This Thanksgiving challenge yourself to have faith in family and your God, foregoing the materialism of the season. Discover how you can spread a sense of wonderment and awe we had as a child. During this holiday season, live in a sense of wonder, joy and peace. In the moment, be “child-like”.
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Time May Change But Live in the Moment
Many of us in the United States turned back the hands of time early this morning. We have ended the period of Daylight Savings Time and are now on “normal”, called “standard” time. Our ability to change time prompts a few questions for me, some mundane and some a bit more philosophical. But, to stay grounded I will refrain, for this post, from discussing the abstract philosophical notions of time. Rather, I would like to reflect on this day in two specific ways, namely, how do we take advantage of our “extra hour”, and, how do we turn back the hands of time in our own lives.
I am certain many of us have had life experiences for which we have wished we could turn back time to change the events. There are times that we wish we could have back to cherish again, to say something different, do something different, or to have never had happen in the first place. But, regardless of our ability to change clocks, we do not yet have the ability to go back in time. Hence our personal feelings of resentment, disappointment, anger, sorrow, etc. But, all is not lost. Even though we cannot go back in time to change the event, we still have the ability to change our current feelings about the event. In our reflection about past events, what can we learn from them? What steps can we take to avoid a future repeat? Do we have the opportunity to “make peace” with those from our past? If so, what is stopping us? We aren’t able to change the event, but we can change the present moment. How do I take advantage of the time I now have?
So, what do I do with the extra hour I am given? Do I use it wisely? Here are some thoughts for what we can do with our “extra” hour:
- Sleep. Rest is vital for a healthy mind, soul and body.
- Spend the hour in reflection on your past and what you plan to do with your future. Use the time for reflective journaling.
- Write to a friend or family member whom you have not recently contacted.
- Pray; read scripture.
- Do something you typically don’t have time to do. Take a walk, observe nature, read a book.
- Spend quality time with those whom you love.
I pray your extra hour is a positive one for you along your life’s journey.
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5 Tips on How Mindfulness Will Change Your Life
“Hey, did you see that?”
“No, I missed it. What was it?”
Does this conversation sound familiar? It sure does to me. My days were so busy and hectic that I had no time to care to notice something other than the task hand. At the end of each day I wondered where the day went! I had always lived that way, until recently.
A few years ago I changed jobs to one which allowed me to have the summer off. After 20 years of working year round, having a few months off was strange, and even unsettling. After a week without I had no idea what to do with myself. I was ”forced” to slow down. It wasn’t comfortable at first, but over time I started to discover that I was physically, mentally, and spiritually slowing down. As I was slowing down I found myself feeling more peaceful. As the summer progressed I no longer was anxious, I didn’t rush, and I began to notice the world around me.
I wasn’t yet consciously aware of this, but I was beginning to live mindfully. As I slowed myself I focused my thoughts and attention to the present moment. No longer was I dwelling on my past nor anxious about the future. Wow! What a change for me as previously I was the king of anxiety and worry!
Mindfulness is commonly defined as: “a means of paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” (Jon Kabat-Zinn) Personally, the two key phrases in this definition which I feel are important are “on purpose” and “nonjudgmentally”. To find our inner-peace we need to consciously make the choice to spend time every day focusing our attention on what is happening around us and within us. Our focus is not meant to judge what is happening, just to notice it, to experience it. As we become aware of our surroundings and inner self, we become aware of life’s joys and potential. In this state of focused awareness, we are enabled to see solutions; to see hope.
The goal of mindfulness is for us to slow down enough to fully experience life. Mindfulness is not a means to avoid negative aspects of life, but to fully live those experiences to learn how to cope with them in a healthy way. Many of us try to avoid negativity, yet discover that we may be successful at avoidance for a time, yet once again we are hit with that which we were avoiding. Mindfulness asks us to be aware of all of our emotions, to feel everything, even the negativity. In so doing, we end up coping with what we at first wanted to avoid. Coping teaches us skills for dealing with future negativity in our lives.
Living mindfully is a daily practice of noticing the little things. For example, one can eat mindfully by doing so intentionally, savoring each bite, and not rushing through a meal without truly tasting the food. During your commute, or rushing from one task to another, one can mindfully (intentionally) notice the details of the flora, buildings, people, cracks in the sidewalk, etc.
How does mindfulness lead us to feeling peaceful? The short answer: mindfulness guides us to live in the moment, for it is only in the moment where we have “control” in our lives. By control, I mean our ability to change our thoughts and perceptions. If I allow my thoughts to stay in either the past or the future, I will suffer from stress and anxiety since I have no control over those time periods. All that I can do with the past is to learn lessons; in the future, all I can do is prepare, in the moment, for the unknown which has yet to happen. Therefore, keeping my thoughts focused on the present moment allows me to feel life to its fullest, while choosing the thoughts I wish to think.
A bit over 5 years later I now find myself living in a sense of peace. Does this mean that my life is now perfect? Not at all! What it does mean is that through mindfulness I learned a new set of coping skills. This is what I’ve learned since that summer:
- Spend time each day in meditation, whether it be in stillness or walking. Just 10-20 minutes a day will calm and center you.
- Each time my thoughts venture to either the past or the future, I consciously change my thoughts to the present moment.
- Spend time noticing the little things in life. Observe your surroundings, your feelings and your thoughts.
- If you notice that you don’t like how you feel, our you are not feeling at peace, change your perspective and redo numbers 1-3 above.
- Always believe in hope, even if you don’t feel hopeful at the moment. Hope and change is possible even without my belief in it.
Inner-peace is attainable if we take the time to focus our thoughts on the present moment. It takes practice; I’m still working on it. But if you have the desire to incorporate mindfulness into your daily practice, follow this maxim: “Progress, not perfection.” (Eds. Note: This article was originally published at Your Tango. Reprinted with permission from the author.)
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autumn: learning from change
Fall scene in MA (credit: Blog author)
Way back in the 1980’s I took this photo while I lived in a small town in western Massachusetts. Most people I know tend to get excited, perk up, prepare for, and are encouraged as Spring moves into Summer. Not that I don’t like Summer, but for me, I do the same preparations for the beginning of Autumn. I must say, Autumn is by far my most favorite season (with Winter a close second). And now here we are, the first day of Autumn (officially starting at 10:21 am EDT)!
As far back as I can remember I have enjoyed Autumn. Growing up in the northern reaches of the US I am used to the colder seasons, probably part of the reason for my enjoyment of Autumn. Of all the seasons I find this one to be especially focused on family and God. During this season there are holidays, gatherings and the beginning of school. Halloween and Thanksgiving are near with Christmas not too far away. The cooler weather draws us closer together as we huddle indoors, and as we do so I hope we recognize the presence of God in our lives and those of our loved-ones.
For many, this is a season of desolation with the greenery dying off and the days shorter. But, as we look around we can see much color, hear the sounds of the leaves beneath our feet, and smell the cornucopia of scents invading our nostrils. This may be a time of decay, but in the transition of the season we are given a most wonderful and beautiful gift; the gift of change. It is, hopefully, a gift to inspire us. For me, I see beauty before I see the decay and desolation. There is also a beauty in the recognition that after this time of desolation will come another season of rebirth and new growth. This season is not the end, but only the beginning. This season represents change, and in the process of change we feel the pain before the joy. We may now be experiencing a decay and desolation, but it is all a part of the circle of life, for the trees will reproduce their leaves and the fallen leaves will provide fertilizer enabling the new growth of plants in the Spring. This is a season of preparation, yet in this time of preparation there is also its own beauty.
Change is never easy, and as I have blogged about in the past (click here to find previous posts) it is necessary to remember that change, although different, doesn’t have to be negative. The process may be painful, but if we focus on the result we see that for which we long. As we see the leaves fall we are assured there will be Spring followed by Summer. The cycle of life; mirroring the cycles of our lives.
Here are a few suggestions I have come up with to help in this time of transition:
- Recall the memories of this past Summer. Cherish your experiences from the past season.
- Acknowledge, don’t try to hide, the past with its pleasures, hurts, and expectations.
- Spend a few moments in quiet prayer being thankful for all we have and asking for guidance and strength to make it through this new season.
- Anticipate the future in this new season. Prepare for what you can control; plan for what you can’t (see previous blog posts on this topic).
- Experience this season of Autumn through the eyes of a child – you will be surprised at the insights.
In all things, try to cherish the moment at hand.
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Learning from the 9/11 attacks
World Trade Center “cross” 9/11/2001
Today we remember all those who lost their lives, and those families who lost loved ones in an attack on innocent lives. I recall that Tuesday morning in 2001 as if it were yesterday. My question now is the same as it was 15 years ago; how do I make sense from a senseless act?
I often write about the need for us to change our perspective, so I found this quote by Henri Nouwen, a renown spiritual author, quite enlightening:
This is not to say that we give up; but rather that we re-frame our expectations toward realistic goals such as peace within ourselves, our families, our communities. We are asked to accept and trust in God. A trust not always easy to come by in light of the realities of the suffering in our world. How can I trust in God through all that is happening around me?
In a book entitled “Franciscan Voices on 9/11“, one of the contributors writes:
These quotes give me hope and encouragement. The wisdom of these writers encourage and challenge me to stop living in fear and sadness, rather, to take action to make a difference in our lives. We therefore need to challenge ourselves to find opportunities in our families and local community wherein we can bring about peace.
I am inspired by the then chaplain of the NYC Fire Department, Fr. Mychal Judge, OFM, who arrived at the Twin Towers shortly after they were struck by airplanes, to minister to the needs of the first responders. Fr. Mychal lost his life when the ceiling of the lobby collapsed upon him, moments before the collapse of the Tower itself. A prayer, attributed to Fr. Mychal, sums up why he did what he did; risking his life for others, and the lesson I take away from that fateful day:
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How to Stop Numbing the Pain
Pain, whether it be physical or emotional, is unavoidable in life. We all try our best to avoid pain, almost at all costs. As a society, we make every effort imaginable to avoid, end, or numb, all pain in life. Yet, the more we try, I feel the more we end up still in pain and not feeling at peace or happy. According to the US Centers for Disease Control & Prevention, “In 2012, health care providers wrote 259 million prescriptions for opioid pain medication, enough for every adult in the United States to have a bottle of pills.”
Talking about pain leads to many questions, both practical and philosophical/spiritual. In my life experience, I have found that the two main questions asked about pain are: “Why do I feel pain?” and “Why does a loving God allow pain?” For the purpose of this article, I would like to focus on the former question, why do we feel pain? Maybe if we understood the “why” we would better understand how best to cope with pain.
According to Barbara Finlay “The basic function of pain is the same for all vertebrates: it alerts an animal to potential damage and reduces activity after trauma.” Therefore, pain is necessary. Pain alerts us to a problem so that we stop and cope with whatever has happened. For example, continuing to walk on a broken leg causes more damage to the leg. The pain of the broken leg forces us to stop and deal with the break. The same is true when we are feeling an emotional pain. That pain tells us that we need to stop and deal with the cause of the pain, for if we choose to ignore the cause of the emotional pain, we will continue to live in an unhealthy way, never feeling truly at peace.
So why is it that we spend copious amounts of energy and money to avoid pain? If pain is “good” for us, why do we want to get rid of it? Don’t misinterpret what I am saying, for I am not saying that pain itself is to be desired! Rather, I am saying that pain is a part of our lives, and learning to cope with pain and not numbing or avoiding pain, will lead us to inner peace. In a recent article titled “How To Stop Using Hunger To Numb Your Emotions”, my recent podcast guest Brandilyn Tebo writes: “I fundamentally believed that I was not allowed to have what I really wanted until I proved that I was ’worthy’ enough. So I would rather numb my desires than feel them because not feeling anything was easier than wanting the fulfillment that I couldn’t have.”
I believe that Brandilyn’s desire to not feel is shared by many of us. In not feeling, our lives are seemingly easier. Yet, in not coping with the real reason of our pain, healing doesn’t take place, and one’s peace will not be realized. Not unlike a broken leg; numbing the pain does not heal the leg nor deal with the cause or issue of the pain.
Learning how best to cope with pain is not easy, but is doable and essential if you wish to find true peace, happiness and freedom in life.
- Acknowledge the pain. Avoid the temptation to numb and avoid the pain. Instead, recognise that the pain is telling you something. Reflect on the possible cause of the pain and look at ways you can cope with the cause. Remember, the pain is the symptom of the problem.
- Realize that you are not alone. Understand that what you are experiencing is also experienced by others. There is no pain that only one person in this entire world suffers from. Seek out others who suffer the same pain. Console and aid each other. When we help others, we feel better about ourselves. Seek out support groups, online sites, chat rooms, etc.
- Embrace your true self. Acknowledge that you are not perfect and that there are aspects of yourself in need of improvement. Yet, at the same time, there are aspects of yourself which are good and healthy. No one is perfect; we all have our flaws. Embrace that which you wish to numb, then do the work needed to make changes in your life. “I thought that if I allowed the rejected parts of myself to be expressed, that I would lose myself. What I discovered was that only through facing and eventually embracing these parts of myself did I truly find myself.” (Brandilyn Tebo)
In his book “Mosquitoes in Paradise”, Fr. John Aurelio imagines what would have happened had a mosquito bitten Adam or Eve in paradise. Would the bite have itched? Most likely. Wouldn’t that mean that pain was present even in paradise? Yes. Fr. John relates that the pain caused by the mosquito is not intentional, rather, it is a natural survival method for the insect, while the pain we suffer is a natural response from our body. Yes, pain is a part of our lives, but that pain does not have to wear us down. Embracing and learning from the pain leads us to a healthy and peace filled life.
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learning life lessons from Olympians
Have you, like me, ever dreamt of becoming an Olympic athlete? As I watch the current Olympic Games the talents of the athletes never cease to amaze me! Knowing that I will never be a member of an Olympic team, yet I realize that I can still learn much from these Olympic champions. Their example of persistence and training encourages me to do the same in my daily life.
Jim Ochowicz, who competed in the 1972 Olympic Games and coached the 2000 and 2004 USA Olympic men’s professional road racing team, said in a 2008 Forbes interview: “People don’t know the process which [athletes] undertake in their individual sports to reach the Olympic level. You get there by sticking it out. There [are] a lot of people that try and give up.” This quote inspires me!
In life, here is what we can learn from Olympic athletes so that we can achieve greatness in our personal lives:
- Focus on what matters. One key principle every successful athlete learns early on in their career is to stay focused on the task. In training, practice, and on the field, focus on one’s task and goal takes precedence above all else. For us to achieve success in life, we too need to maintain our focus on what matters most. We need to prioritize our goals and keep up our focus on achieving those goals. Not unlike an athlete, we will train, practice, and stay focused on our life’s goals.
- Determination. I feel that the secret to being determined is in doing something that you love and are passionate about. Think of the amount of hours, every day, an athlete gives to training and practicing their sport. Could they keep up that level of consistency and determination if they disliked their sport? Of course not. Find your passion and make it work for you. It may be a risk, but it’s a risk worth taking.
- Practice daily. As a counselor who studies behavior, I know the importance of repetition. If you can do the same behavior every day for at least one month, you will notice that the new behavior becomes an unconscious routine.
- Coaching. Who makes an athlete into the best they can be? Their coach! Who supports and challenges you? Find someone in whom you trust to be your confidant and coach. Let them guide you, challenge you and support you.
- Take care of yourself. Olympic athletes follow more people other than their sporting coach. Athletes have nutritionists, counselors, medical professionals, spiritual guides, etc. A great athlete understands that they need to keep up health in all aspects of their lives, as do we. It’s necessary then for us to make the time for relaxation, meditation, exercise, eating healthy and feeling healthy.
Katrina Radke, an Olympian swimmer who placed fifth in the 1988 Olympics has said: “If we focus on doing what makes us feel good, we can commit to it more easily. Once we get in the habit of ‘showing up’, we can have more chances of fully engaging our full self into the activity. In this place, I experienced much bliss.” There is nothing stopping us from becoming Olympic champions in our daily lives, except for our attitudes. Live like an Olympian and you will become one.
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The Secret to Overcoming Fear
When I was a young child I was petrified of thunderstorms. Whenever a storm approached I would find a place to hide, plug my ears and pretend there was no storm. In fear I needed to stop reality. I was told by my parents that thunder couldn’t hurt me, but it sure sounded like it could. I was also told by my parents that the sound of the thunder was only the angels bowling in heaven, and although that conjured a comforting image, the next lightning bolt immediately stole away what little comfort I had. I am told, although I do not remember this happening, that I was nearly struck by lightning when I was quite young. The story goes that I opened our old metal refrigerator door just as a bolt of lightning entered the house. I was saved, but probably mentally scarred from the event. Was that experience the cause of my fear?
Fear is a normal reaction built deep within our brains to aid in survival. When we feel threatened we will either flee or fight. As a young child experiencing storms, I chose to flee. As I grew into my teen years, still afraid of storms, I eventually made the decision to respond to my fear by fighting, no longer fleeing. My weapon? Study. I chose to study the weather to understand the dynamics of storms. I felt that if I understood storms they would no longer frighten me, and to this day meteorology remains a hobby of mine. Now I enjoy watching, chasing, and forecasting storms. I long to see a lightning storm at night to watch the beauty of the bolts streak through the air. What has changed in me wherein I no longer fear storms? Studying that which scared me gave me knowledge enough to no longer allow storms to scare me. The key concept is that I no longer allow the storms to scare me. I am making a conscious decision based on my knowledge of the situation in the moment.
How often along our life’s journey do we allow fear to overcome us? How often do we become so afraid we feel as if we are sinking? Many of us, myself included, fear the unknown. Change, even if for the better, is not always chosen as change implies something which is unknown. It is the not knowing which scares us. Once we step out of our comfort zone to take a risk, then the unknown becomes known, and we once again feel at peace in our new moment.
The challenge is to stay in the moment and to learn how best to overcome the unknown; how to challenge ourselves to enter into life when we may (and usually are) at a loss of control. Fear, and the sense of a loss of control, work together. We tend to believe that we are in control of our lives, yet the reality is that we have very little control over our lives. The belief that we are in control keeps us calm, while the opposite is true; the less control I feel that I have the more fear and anxiety I will experience, the greater my impulse to either flee or fight. Becoming comfortable with my reality in the present moment, which is mostly out of our control, lessens our fear providing us a sense of peace through acceptance.
On our journey through life, to overcome our fear to live peacefully, I suggest we reflect on these questions:
- How can I challenge myself to face the unknown?
- From where does my strength come?
- How can I learn to live in the moment?
- What does “acceptance” mean to me?
The less mysterious I am to myself, the less fearful I will be. The more I know of myself and all that frightens me, the greater strength I have to fight my fears.
{loadmodule mod_custom,continue the conversation here or on social media}