Personal Empowerment
The Future Worries Me – As It Should: Coronavirus version
Yes, the future worries me. Interestingly, a year ago, I wrote and published this article on worrying about the future. Little did I know that a year later, this topic would be most appropriate.
As we continue to struggle with the societal effects of COVID-19, the future worries me. It’s, seemingly, more unsure than ever before in our personal history. Will we return to “normal,” or will the past “normal” never be experienced again?
If we stay focused on the future, then yes, we should be worried about the future. How do we cope with this worry? Read on as I offer my four tips for dealing with the future.
None of us knows the future. Therefore, by its nature, the future is unknown. Since it’s an unknown, it tends to be scary, because I can’t prepare myself for it. Therefore, the future worries me. As humans, most of us desire to be in control of our daily lives, although, no matter how much we strive for control, much of life is beyond our control. The future is one of those areas outside of our control.
When we feel that we can’t control an aspect of our lives, then we feel “out of control.” Feeling out of control is scary itself as we worry about where we will end up if we aren’t in control. So, the future is not only an unknown, but it’s also out of our control. Actually, the future isn’t in anybody’s control!
So yes, when the future worries me, it should! THAT’S NORMAL!
When I work with clients who share their worries about the future, obsessing over it, stressing over it, I help them understand that their future feelings are to be expected. If we are to dwell in the future, meaning, keeping our thoughts focused on the future, then we will be worried and anxious. The statement that the future worries me is deeply felt. I let my clients know that although what they’re feeling is a normal response to their thoughts, if they would instead not feel worried and anxious, then they need to do only one thing – change their thoughts!
Keeping my thoughts in the future causes me to worry and have anxiety. Does it not make sense that changing my thoughts and removing my thoughts from the future would cause me less worry and stress? The standard definition of insanity is doing the same action over and over, yet expecting a different result. Therefore, the definition of sanity is doing a different action and getting a different result.
Here are my four tips for coping when the future worries me:
- Refocus your thoughts: Throughout the day, whenever you feel worried or anxious, pause a moment to notice where your thoughts are focused. Are your thoughts focused on the past or the future? If so, this is the source of your worry. The future worries me when I dwell in the future. Consciously move your thoughts back to the present moment by consciously focusing on what you are now seeing, feeling, experiencing, etc. We have control over the present moment, so keeping our thoughts focused on the present reduces our worry and anxiety.
- Change your perspective: Perspective is how you see and interpret the world around you. Our interpretation is derived after being “filtered” through how you feel about yourself. If you’re negative about yourself, you’re most likely negatively focused on the world around you, and vice versa. Changing our perspective on an issue allows us to view a different way of thinking, which may help us find a solution different than those we’ve tried before. A different solution leads to a different outcome, and therefore sanity.
- Worst case scenario: When we dwell in the future, we tend to focus on what can go wrong (TIP: a change in perspective would be changing your focus from what can go wrong to what can go right. Why must it be negative? Since I don’t know my future, why focus my thoughts on only one option, the negative option? Since I don’t see the future, isn’t it possible that it could be positive?). Since you’re already focused on what can go wrong, consciously ask yourself, “What’s the worst-case scenario?”. When you objectively and logically review what you fear as the worst case may, in fact, not even be that bad!
A few months ago, I was working with a client on this very topic. I used the example of what if a sinkhole developed right now, and this whole building went down. What’s the worst case? The client stated that the worst thing that could happen is that he dies. I asked why that’s the worst that could happen to him? Of course, he mentioned family, kids, friends, etc., but that’s not the worst case for him; it’s the worst case for them! If he dies, he’s dead, there are no more worries or concerns for him. So the worst case might be that he survives and is scared. Yes, being scared is normal. What do you do next? You try to climb out; you either succeed at it or rescuers finally get you out. Regardless, the odds of being trapped in the hole, alive, with no one coming to save us, would be rare. And if you say, “but what about the zombie apocalypse”? Well, in that scenario, I would rather be hidden in the hole. My point being, worrying about a future sinkhole will cause anxiety. Still, understanding that even the worst-case scenario isn’t that bad allows us to reduce our worry about an impending sinkhole.
- Plan for the future with a reasonable expectation: Please don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. I’m not saying that to live in the present means, we forego any future planning. Not at all! First, concerning the scenario for which you are planning, determine those areas of the situation for which you do and don’t have control over. Those areas you have no control over you need to ignore. But, those areas you do have control over, you need to make plans. Understand that the decisions you make today will impact your future plans. And, situations and events out of your control will change your future plans. This is why I say that we need to have reasonable expectations. We can make the best plans in the world, but keep in the back of your mind that they may not come true. And that’s alright. Why? The opportunities which may open up for you instead may be better than what you wanted. In the future, other opportunities may exist which don’t exist today, and there’s no way of knowing that until we live in the future’s present moment. So, make your goals, plan for your future, but keep an open mind to what that future may actually reveal.
Let this thought comfort you: today was yesterday’s future for which you worried. Was it as bad as you thought? Tomorrow is today’s future. What decisions and plans can you make today to help you in the future of tomorrow?
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The Holiday Blues How To Help People Cope
The holiday blues are a real phenomenon, with half of us feeling some stress and fatigue if not mild depression. The holiday blues are felt by people as a result of the holiday season. Yet, some people are entering the holiday season already feeling stressed, anxious, sad, grieving, depressed, etc. How do I enjoy the holidays while helping people I know to cope with their holiday blues?
“If one were to devise an experimental set of circumstances which would test the integrity of an individual’s mood control, one would invent the year-end holiday season.” Jonathan Himmelhoch, Psychiatrist, Western Psychiatric Institute, and Clinic
The holiday blues are real, and according to at least one study, about half of us experience the holiday blues (the survey reached 786 adults, 18 years or older Fall of 2006). But some people suffer the holiday blues because they entered the holiday season already feeling sad, depressed, anxious, etc. The seemingly joyous time of the year enhances their depression and anxiety.
I don’t think there is any other time of the year, which evokes such strong emotions as does this time of the year. For some of us, we are excited, joyous, filled with wonder and anticipation! We visit family and friends, host parties and gatherings, spreading joy everywhere we go! But yet some of us feel quite the opposite this time of the year. I think of those who recently lost a loved one, suffering from physical or mental health issues, separated from loved ones, and even estranged from the family. There are those whose past experience of the holidays wasn’t pleasant, and those who feel trapped in life situations.
Bonus: Download Chris Shea’s booklet on Life Coaching & is it for me? Click here to get it
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” While these song lyrics may be accurate for some, they’re not necessarily right for everyone. I’m not writing this to bring down the mood, but what I am saying is that we need to be mindful of people around us who may be suffering while we celebrate. Some of my current clients are dreading these next few weeks, while other clients are looking forward to a new beginning!
Regardless of how we may feel about the holidays themselves, this time of the year finds many of us feeling the burden for perfection. As joyous as we may be, the expectations for a “Rockwell Christmas” haunt the best of us. While we still have our day-to-day tasks to complete, we must also decorate, buy gifts, and attend social functions. These expectations, especially if we feel obligated, can cause stress and anxiety even in those who enjoy this time of the year. Now imagine the stress and anxiety felt by those who are merely trying to cope with life, let alone the added expectation of the season.
This time of the year, we tend to focus more of our attention on helping others and on giving back. Therefore, what can we do to either help or give to someone who is suffering during this holiday season?
- Create an awareness within yourself and your children that not everyone feels joyous this time of the year. This awareness is not meant to place a burden on us, but as a recognition for the reality of others.
- Create an environment where all people feel open to sharing their feelings honestly. While attending or planning, parties and gatherings don’t encourage everyone to participate, be respectful of those who are having a difficult time participating. Try to plan activities that would allow a person to participate in the degree in which they feel comfortable.
- Be mindful that your expectations of what makes up a holiday celebration may not be the expectations of others. Allow yourself the flexibility to be open to the traditions of others as well as to how others may be feeling. For example, if you are organizing the family dinner, take into account any family members who have had a challenging year. Allow them space or the time to speak, or not speak, if they wish. Be aware that their showing up may have been a difficult task in and of itself.
- If you know someone struggling to cope with a mental illness, or emotionally struggling, be a supportive friend. Allow time in your holiday schedule to be present to them, even if words aren’t spoken. Never underestimate the positive effect and healing quality of presence. If possible and appropriate, encourage them to join you at small gatherings and surround them with people who have their best interests at heart. Isolation, especially during the holidays, is not healthy.
- Encourage them to do activities focused on taking care of themselves and their emotional health, regardless of the expectations placed upon them by themselves or others. Help them to understand that It doesn’t make you a selfish person when you prioritize yourself, it is actually essential toward your well-being.
- Take time from the busyness of this season to be an active listener to those who wish to share their feelings. Encouraging and allowing others to share how they feel may be the most helpful thing you can do for them. If they are reluctant to share, lovingly help them by letting them know that you will listen without judgment regardless of what they wish to talk about and share.
During this holiday season, as many of us join together with our families and friends, let’s be grateful and joyous in our traditions and fellowship. But let’s not forget those who are emotionally suffering at this time of the year. Being respectful, understanding, and lovingly present is the best holiday gift a person can receive.
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Confidence: How To Embrace It As I Did
Confidence is not something we’re born with, it’s something we learn as we mature. My personal story is one of a shy boy transformed into a confident man. How did I do it? How can you do it? Let’s talk about how I eventually learned to embrace my confidence.
“Confidence isn’t walking into a room with your nose in the air, thinking you are better than everyone else; it’s walking into a room and not having to compare yourself to anyone in the first place.” -Anonymous
The other day I was asked, “Have you always had this confidence?” I was somewhat taken aback by the question as I don’t typically think of myself as having confidence. My current life activities consist of family, life coaching, writing, teaching at a university and college, hosting a podcast, giving lectures, and speaking at conferences. I keep myself active, but I enjoy all that I do. Is my enjoyment in what I do the confidence people see in me?
Confidence is defined as a feeling of trust in one’s abilities and talents. Yet, this definition presupposes that I have an awareness of my skills and talents. I feel this is the reason why many people lack confidence; they don’t recognize their own abilities and, therefore, wrongly assume they are unable or incapable of performing a task. Pull the word, confidence, apart, and you’ll find the Latin words of “con” and “fide.” When translated, we get “with trust/faith.”
Bonus: Download Chris Shea’s booklet on Life Coaching & is it for me? Click here to get it
Trusting in oneself, which is what confidence describes, means I have to believe in myself and my message. What message, you ask. Our beliefs, morals, and values are the messages we send to others. Your level of trust in yourself with your message equates to your level of confidence. How much do you believe about yourself to be true? Is the message you’re sending different from your belief about self?
Trusting in oneself, or, having confidence, also involves a sense and personal understnading of one’s conviction. How strongly you believe in yourself and your message is this conviction. A firm conviction, coupled with a desire to spread your message, is the confidence for which many desire.
Conviction, historically, evolves from the word for “opinion.” Our conviction is our opinion on self. The Latin parts of the word are again “con,” or with, and “vicere,” meaning to win or conquer. Since “con” is part of this word, then with what do we win or conquer? The word literally means “to win with.”
The answer, as I see it, is confidence. We win with confidence. We have beliefs about ourselves and the world around us, our convictions. These convictions, or beliefs, are what we trust in our confidence. Therefore, to “win,” we need a conviction and the confidence to make it happen.
While growing up, I was extremely shy and unaware of my abilities and talents. This lack of self-awareness, coupled with my shyness, reinforced in me a belief that I wasn’t capable of much in the way of outward achievement. As a child, and even though my early adulthood, I enjoyed the solitary pursuits of reading, studying, and writing. Sure, I had friends with whom I enjoyed doing things, but my friends were few and not among what was known as the” in-crowd.” For me and my shyness, they were “safe.”
A lack of confidence is typically coupled with a person’s self-esteem or sense of self-worth. In my experience, though, that assumption wasn’t right. Although I lacked insight into my gifts and talents, I did feel positive about myself. I enjoyed my hobbies and the people I chose to be close to; ultimately, life was good. My sense of self-worth was high, while at the same time, my confidence was low.
How can this be? In my early life, it meant that I did well in school, for when I was given a task of importance to complete or asked to give a speech, my mind would immediately jump to the thought “Me?! I don’t have the skill to do this? There have to be people better at this than me!” At the time, I failed to realize that I was asked because someone else saw the talent and ability in me. I was unable to take into account the perspective of the asker because I failed to recognize my own confidence. If I couldn’t see it in myself, I was never going to accept that someone else saw what I could not.
So, what changed in me, given my history of lack of confidence and shyness, that now I can speak to large crowds, teach university classes, and train groups of peers? There’s no one event, moment, or “aha experience,” which made all the difference. For me, it was a progressive shift, and practicing meditation, where I became more self-aware of my giftedness as well as my weaknesses. It’s in accepting both aspects of oneself that lead to one’s sense of confidence.
Here are some reflections I have learned in my adult years, which have impacted my ability to have conviction and confidence:
- I’m not responsible for another’s happiness. I am responsible for my feelings and my actions toward others. This helps my confidence in that I don’t seek nor need the approval of others to know that I am good at what I do. The constructive opinions of family and close friends I respect but needing to be liked by everyone is no longer a goal of mine.
- Not knowing is ok. Early in my career, I stifled myself as I felt that if I didn’t know everything, there was to know in my field than I was a fraud. I now recognize how wrong I was. Still, it was in me eventually realizing that even the “experts” in my field didn’t know everything for me to gain confidence in my own knowledge and experience of my field. What I don’t know, I will learn from others and so continue to grow.
- I became empowered in my confidence every time I stepped out of my comfort zone only to realize that I did well. The more times I gave something a try and ended with positive results, the more I became confident in my abilities. Yes, those times when it didn’t go well seemed to set me back more than the positive times moved me forward, but regardless, I kept on keeping on. I’m not perfect when it comes to public speaking or teaching, etc., but I do my best, and more times than not, there is positive feedback from the audience. Had I not moved out of my comfort zone, my self-confidence would still be quite low.
- As I mentioned above, confidence is not to be equated with always being right or knowing everything. Confidence grows from an understanding of who you are, the positives and negatives. We all have growth opportunities, so don’t let the fact that you are not “perfect” stop you from feeling confident. Feel confident knowing that you are both talented and flawed, perfect in some aspects yet need to grow in others.
- Take time for yourself. Self-care is vitally important to physical and mental health. Spending time nurturing yourself and meditating provides you the opportunity to know yourself better. In this self-knowledge, you will find your confidence and your growth opportunities. Work on both!
In my continuing journey of confidence, I realize that I don’t need to be perfect in all knowledge or skill. Still, I do need to be self-reflective with a willingness to grow. Take the time to learn about yourself, then step out of your comfort zone and give it a try! If it works well, fantastic, do it again! If it doesn’t work well, excellent, learn from it, then do it again!
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How To Overcome Fear But We Need Fear To Live
To overcome fear, one needs to believe they will be happy on the other side, and that getting to the other side of fear is possible. Knowing and believing are two very different attitudes. In this article, I use my own childhood fear as an example throughout. Keep in mind, we need fear to live, so be careful in what fear you try to overcome.
As a young child, I had many fears, as I’m sure most children experience. For me, my most significant event to overcome fear was the weather, specifically thunderstorms. I was convinced that every storm would spawn a tornado which would ultimately find and pulverize my house, with me in it! Now, please know that I did not grow up in tornado alley or in a tornado prone area. Yes, we experienced the random water spout and once a decade, or so a tornado would develop. The tornadoes were far enough from my house not to see the funnel of destruction but close enough that the local newspaper printed articles about the twister.
I have no idea of the origin of my fear, but I knew exactly how to overcome fear in this situation. To overcome fear is not easy, primarily when our fear is rooted in reality. In my childhood situation, the fact was that tornadoes did happen in my area, do spawn from thunderstorms, and are capable of demolishing houses. Therefore, to that extent of reality, my fear was justified.
Yet there’s another perspective, or reality, to be examined if we want to overcome fear. In my case, reality also demonstrated that a tornado never formed in my neighborhood, at the time I had never seen a tornado, and in my 18 years growing up in my childhood home, it was never demolished by a tornado (actually that home still stands to this day). So yes, there was a reason for my fear, but also yes, my childhood fear was unfounded.
Bonus: Download Chris Shea’s booklet on Life Coaching & is it for me? Click here to get it
Fear is powerful, convincing us to either flee or fight against a known or unknown danger waiting to harm us. The threat, for our first ancestors, was primarily focused on physical survival issues, life, and death situations. Today our fears tend to be focused on emotional survival issues. Emotional survival is as essential to our overall survival as is physical survival. Fear is instinctual as a means to protect us in situations where protection is needed so that we survive and reach the other side of that which was threatening.
Since fear serves to protect us from both physical and emotional harm, guiding us along a path of survival, why then even talk about how to overcome fear? Shouldn’t we embrace fear as our protector? Fear is actually not our problem, as such, I should change the title of this article. The problem we have is how we cope with our fear. The initial reaction to either flee or fight is helpful, but becoming stuck in either mode is detrimental to moving forward. It’s so much easier to flee or fight when the situation is physical. Yet when the threat is emotional, fleeing or fighting is more difficult to notice, and so we become stuck.
As a child, my response to thunderstorms was to hide under my bed or to run into the basement. The latter is the preferred location if there actually were a tornado present, yet for me, it was an escape, a fleeing, to where I felt safe. My becoming stuck was not fleeing to the basement, but doing so, when there was no need to do so. I would leave friends, activities, family, etc. to flee to the imagined safety of the basement. Fleeing when it leads to safety is healthy and wise; fleeing solely out of fear is unhealthy and being stuck.
What have I learned from my childhood into adulthood on how to overcome fear?
- Reflect: When you feel afraid, take action to protect yourself. After you’ve acted, reflect on yourself and the situation to determine if your response to your fear is healthy or not, using the example I gave above.
- Act: Take action, not to overcome fear, but to overcome your unhealthy response to fear. As I grew older, and while hiding in the basement, I happened upon a very old book set somewhat hidden under my Dad’s tool bench. As I uncovered the books, I noticed that one of the books was about the weather, explaining the forces and science behind how the weather works and safety tips. My action was in learning about that which I feared, causing me to have a respectful fear of Mother Nature. I now know when seeking shelter and being afraid is necessary and when it’s not. As an adult, I now spend free time chasing storms. I enjoy sitting on my deck to watch the beauty of the lightning show, and I’ve even been in storms which spawned tornadoes that I was able to see. Some of these experiences produced no fear in me while others produced much fear, and healthily, I respected the power of nature and took shelter.
- Fight: Fight within yourself to believe that you can overcome your fear. When I first started to learn about the weather I “knew” I could handle my fear, yet it took years of maturing and study to “believe” that I could overcome fear and respond healthily. Start with “knowing” but continue to fight and work until you get to “believing” in yourself.
- Flee: It’s important not to think of fleeing with a negative connotation. Fleeing from a harmful situation is wise for survival and for providing time to create a plan of action. In modern life, physically fleeing, or leaving a person or condition may be the healthiest action to take for your own emotional well-being. Similarily, emotional fleeing from a situation, controlled and not permanent, can have the same healthy effect as does physical fleeing. Keep in mind that healthy or unhealthy flight is dependant upon your motivation and the reality of the threat. An emotionally abusive relationship might require a person to flee physically. Yet a person who simply doesn’t like a situation, their fleeing may be an unhealthy escape. Sometimes circumstances may be able to be fixed if you stay and fight.
Yes, we need fear to live and survive, but how we respond to our fear is what makes the difference in our emotional health. If you want to live a happy and peaceful life, practice believing in yourself that you can overcome fear by the way you cope with your fear.
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Life Management Tips For A Happy Life
Life management became the focus of my live interview on the LA radio show “Ask Brien.” This business-focused show turned into a life coaching episode as the topic of time management easily and quickly moved into life management. Check out the full interview below.
The host asked me to define and talk about time management, especially for new entrepreneurs struggling to grow a new business while balancing their personal lives. I believe that time management consists of taking a holistic picture of what’s happening in the present moment, therefore time management is akin to life management. Time management is focusing on ways to get done what needs to now while planning for the next task.
Time management, like life management, is most effective when you approach your tasks and day with a sense of reasonable expectations. If your expectations of what and when you can accomplish tasks are unreasonable, you’re going to set yourself up for failure. The problem is you’re going to end up at the end of that day saying, not only did I not accomplish what I wanted to, but because I didn’t meet my expectations, there’s something wrong with me. This way of thinking will lead you into a downward spiral of negativity. Yet in reality, there might not be anything wrong with your approach except having too high of expectations which were totally unreasonable.
How does one create reasonable expectations? Well, you really have to get honest with yourself and figure out what you can realistically accomplish and stick to that. Often, especially with entrepreneurs who are starting out doing their own business, it’s a one-person show; they don’t have a team. Therefore, you get into the mindset that I’ve got to do everything by myself. So everything becomes a priority. So as not to burn out you really have to figure out what it is you can and can’t do.
Be honest with yourself about what you know, what you’re good at, what you can do, and what’s reasonable. Then you’ll need to come up with a solution for what needs to get done. That solution becomes part of your to do list. So I think one of the things we need to do in time management is to begin to understand those areas that I can work on and those areas where I need to find somebody else or some other business to make it happen.
Download Chris Shea’s “Business Coaching Services” booklet on why you should have Lifesjourney consult with your business: Click here to get it
Recently, I find most people are coming to me for life coaching, stating that their life is stressful, their job is the worst, or their relationship isn’t what they think it should be. This is what people are feeling, but what’s really going on is a sense of a lack of purpose in life being manifest or showing itself through stress and anxiety. People are asking the questions, “what is my life about?” “Where am I going with my life?”
An aspect of many people’s outlook that I’ve observed is a focus on the negatives of life, If you’re always looking at life as negative, you’re only going to see the negative. Those who are asking questions about the purpose in life are actually looking at the positive in life. They want answers or solutions, and by their nature, solutions are positive.
We need to change our perspective on that piece right there. There’s nothing wrong with questioning, but we also have to see life from a whole different perspective based on whatever is happening now.
We need to acknowledge what the negatives are in our life. I’m not saying to deny the negatives, that’s part of our reality, but we don’t want to just focus on them. So we can say, here are all the negatives going on in my life right now, but also, what are the positives going on in your life right now? There’s always something that you can find which is positive. I guide my clients on how to look at things differently so that they can not only find the positives but also to create the solutions.
Life management covers not only perspective and expectations but our outlook on life in general. Check out the entire interview for more information on my take on being a realist while practicing mindfulness.
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How To Be Successful – It’s Not What You Think
To be successful, as defined by society, causes us to focus on wealth and power, not on one’s ability and goals. When I can say that I’ve done my best, and am comfortable with that, then I’m successful and at peace.
“If I try to fail and succeed, which have I done?” – anonymous
I use the above quote with my college students when I’m lecturing on the topic of being successful, challenging them to look at life from a different perspective. In challenging our perspectives, and even our definitions, I am not merely playing semantics as I firmly believe that words actually do hold meaning. If you aren’t sure about the validity of that statement, think of the last time someone’s words either caused you joy or caused you pain. Words do have the power to affect our emotions, therefore, by challenging ourselves to look at our own definitions from a new perspective can change how we feel.
How I define being successful, or how successful is defined for me, influences how I feel about myself. Many of us have culturally learned that success is defined by tangible goods and/or wealth. We hear expressions such as “If I have more things than someone else, I am successful”; or, “if I have a title or initials after my name, I am successful.” These cultural statements aside, I hope that people who have worked hard to accomplish what they feel is a level of success takes pride in themselves. Yet, the question remains, does someone else’s level of success negate, or take away from, my perceived level of success? In other words, is one’s success defined by another’s accomplishments?
For example, a person who works hard and deservedly obtains the position of CEO is perceived as reaching success in life. While another person who works hard, and is known to be the best plumber in town, although an employee of the company, not owner or partner, would we agree that that person also has attained success? What about the trash collector who strives to be the best trash collector there is; have they achieved success? If we agree that the people in these examples have attained success, would we also recognize that each of them is as successful?
So why is it that many of us, although accomplished in what we do, continue to feel less successful than the person holding a higher position or making more money? I believe that one answer is due to our drive to challenge ourselves to strive for excellence. These motives and qualities are positive, yet at the same time, they also perpetuate a self-told narrative that others are better than I. Does this mean we shouldn’t strive for betterment? Of course, we should strive to better ourselves, but not at the expense of sacrificing our core beliefs or inner peace.
A quote attributed to the Catholic priest Fr. Joseph Martin (co-founder of Father Martin’s Ashley, now named Ashley Addiction Treatment) states, “the good is the enemy of the best.“ Striving to grow, mature, and gain wisdom leads us to feelings of accomplishment and possibly even success. But that depends on our definition of success; ah I have just taken us back to the beginning of this article, yet not any closer to an answer than when you started reading.
Bonus: Download Chris Shea’s booklet on Life Coaching & is it for me? Click here to get it
Is there a definitive definition of success? Can we objectively apply one description to everyone, or are we left with a personal understanding of the concept of success? Personally, I believe it’s the latter. If the definition is subjective, then how I define success for my life is based partly on my perspective about my life and the idea of success.
Therefore, I suggest that each of us change our perspective on success from one based on societal objectivity with its comparison to others, to a view wherein we strive to obtain success as defined by our values, thereby leading us toward inner peace, happiness, and self-worth.
Making this perspective shift requires us to look within ourselves to examine our motives for wanting to better ourselves and attain success. As mentioned above, the desire toward betterment is a positive goal, yet it depends on my motivation. We need to ask ourselves, “Why do I desire to be better?” Why do I strive for success, and how will I know success when I achieve it?” If my motivation toward betterment and success is based solely on the belief of “beating everyone else,” then I may be willing to compromise my core being and values to achieve that height of success, or else I may view myself as a failure. In this scenario, one’s success comes at a price. The idea of seeking betterment is not the issue; the motivation guiding you is what, in the end, causes one to gain everything, yet continue to feel empty and restless.
How can I change my motivation and perspective about success so that I may attain the best I can be and feel inner peace?
- Meditate: Take time each day, even just 10 or 20 minutes to meditate. Either find a quiet location or take a walk; whichever helps you best to focus. Now, focus on your breathing, not trying to control your breaths, just noticing them. Be aware of the air entering and the air leaving. Be mindful of what you are feeling. Don’t judge the feeling, just notice it. Practice this daily, and over time, you’ll notice that not only is the act of meditating becoming more natural, but you are feeling more at peace.
- Examine: Take time to reflect on what success means to you. Don’t judge your definition, simply define it. How does the definition make you feel? Does your definition match your beliefs and values? If not, ask yourself what you will need to change to create a match? Keep in mind that sacrificing who you are for temporal gain will not, in the long term, bring you inner peace.
- Confer: Take time to meet with family or close friends whom you trust to discuss your thoughts and feelings from numbers 1 and 2 above. Listen, without judgment, to their opinion. The next time you meditate, reflect on the feedback and your feelings concerning what you heard.
- Act: A saying I often repeat is “there are no problems, only solutions.” I don’t know who first said it, but its meaning motivates me to reframe my thinking and change my perspective from “problem-oriented” to “solution-oriented.” Creating a deep belief that solutions are possible, we will reach for success while maintaining a sense of inner peace.
To be successful, according to society’s standards means doing whatever it takes to get to the top! But if your beliefs and values are not focused on hurting other people for your own gain, you will either never find success, or you’ll find success at the price of hurting yourself. To avoid society’s view of success, change your perspective, and redefine success based on what’s important to you and your beliefs and values. Striving to be better is a great challenge, but feeling successful with who you are today will bring you peace.
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How I Cope With Chronic Pain Management Using Mindfulness
Unfortunately, many people struggle with chronic pain management, as do I. Over time I’ve gained insights into what techniques work for me and which don’t work. Much of the content of my life coaching message comes from my personal pain management struggles. One thing I have learned with certainty, there are ways to manage pain and discover pain relief daily.
Pain, whether it be physical or emotional, is unavoidable. As I write this, about seven years ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, an overall body pain due to overstimulated nerves. It took a while to find that diagnosis and a couple of years more to find the right combination of medications. I’ve reflected much on pain and how best to live with chronic pain, gaining insights into chronic pain management, yet the learning continues.
We try our best to avoid pain, almost at all costs. Personally and as a society, we make every effort imaginable to avoid, end, or numb, all pain. Yet, the more we try, I feel the more we end up still in pain and not feeling at peace or happy. According to the US Centers for Disease Control & Prevention, “In 2012, health care providers wrote 259 million prescriptions for opioid pain medication, enough for every adult in the United States to have a bottle of pills.” This reality is one of the reasons we have the current opioid crisis as narcotic pain medicines are addictive, even when taken as prescribed. Yet there’s a better way to deal with the pain rather than medicating our way out of it.
In my experience, I ask what I feel is the central question “Why do we feel pain?” Maybe if we understood the “why” we would better understand how best to cope with pain.
According to Barbara Finlay “The basic function of pain is the same for all vertebrates: it alerts an animal to potential damage and reduces activity after trauma.” In other words, pain is necessary as it alerts us to a problem we need to address. For example, continuing to walk on a broken leg causes more damage to the leg. The pain of the fractured leg forces us to stop and adequately deal with the break. The same is true when we are feeling emotional pain, all too common for us who live with chronic pain. Our emotional pain warns us that we need to take care of ourself by pausing to deal with the cause of the pain. If we choose to ignore the root cause of our emotional pain, as with our physical pain, we will live thinking and feeling in unhealthy ways, never feeling better or at peace.
Bonus: Download Chris Shea’s booklet on Life Coaching & is it for me? Click here to get it
So why is it that we spend copious amounts of energy and money to avoid pain? If pain is necessary for our physical and emotional well being, why do we fight so hard to get rid of it? Don’t misinterpret what I am saying, for I am not saying pain itself is to be desired! Instead, I am saying that pain is a part of our life, and so learning to cope with pain instead of numbing or avoiding pain will lead us to physical and emotional health and peace.
In an article titled “How To Stop Using Hunger To Numb Your Emotions,” a podcast guest of mine, Brandilyn Tebo writes: “I fundamentally believed that I was not allowed to have what I really wanted until I proved that I was’ worthy’ enough. So I would rather numb my desires than feel them because not feeling anything was easier than wanting the fulfillment that I couldn’t have.”
Brandilyn’s description of numbing her pain hits close to home. Daily chronic pain takes a toll on us emotionally as we physically struggle with everyday tasks, while at the same time wondering why we’re different, why me, why this? The feelings and thoughts we have are meant to be felt so that we can find meaning out of our suffering.
Suffering without meaning is a waste, but suffering, when we allow it to teach us leads us more deeply into ourselves. We begin to understand that we too have a place in the world; we also have a purpose. Finding our purpose gives us a reason to keep going!
Our (my) desire to not feel tricks us into believing that life is somehow more comfortable. But in not feeling we aren’t coping with the deeper issue, we’re simply ignoring the pain. As we numb the pain, we take away our power to cope with our pain, and healing doesn’t take place. Not unlike a broken leg numbing the pain does not heal the leg nor deal with the cause or issue of our suffering.
Learning how best to cope with pain is not easy, but is doable and essential if we wish to feel peace, happiness, and freedom. Those times when my pain is so intense that I literally can’t get out of bed or get to work are not just physically painful. Realizing that I can’t do what I used to do because of some stupid illness turns the frustration to anger, an anger I turn on myself until it morphs into a depressive pitty party. This is a dark place many of us know all too well.
Yet, when we find purpose and meaning in our life, those times of intense pain and darkness can be pushed aside, replaced by the desire to regain my power so I can fulfill my purpose. I know, trust me, that this is easier said than done, as it demands an inner strength to replace the darkness with the light of a life lived on my terms, not the illness’ terms.
Here a few strategies I have learned which help me cope with my pain:
- Acknowledge the pain. Avoid the temptation to numb the pain. Instead, recognize that the pain is telling you something. Reflect on the cause of the pain and look at ways you can change your thoughts and emotions about the pain.
- Realize that you are not alone. Understand that what you are experiencing is also experienced by many others. There is no pain that only one person in this entire world suffers from. Seek out others who daily struggle with coping from a similar illness. Console and aid each other. When we help others, we feel better about ourselves. Seek out support groups, online sites, chat rooms, etc.
- Embrace your true self. Acknowledge to yourself that you aren’t perfect and that there are aspects of yourself in need of improvement. Yet, at the same time, there are aspects of yourself which are good and healthy. No one is perfect; we all have our flaws. Embrace that which you wish to numb, then do the work needed to make changes in your life. “I thought that if I allowed the rejected parts of myself to be expressed, that I would lose myself. What I discovered was that only through facing and eventually embracing these parts of myself did I truly find myself.” (Brandilyn Tebo)
There is so much more I could say about pain and my experiences, but for the goal of this article, I’d like to end with a quote from the author and priest Henri Nouwen: “Consolation is a beautiful word. It means “to be” (con-) “with the lonely one.” To console does not mean to take away the pain but rather to be there and say, “You are not alone, I am with you. Together we can carry the burden. Don’t be afraid. I am here.” That is consolation. We all need to give it as well as to receive it.”
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An Expert Life Coach Shares Successful Ways to Change Perspective
Many of us are negatively bothered by the small annoyances in life. Expert life coach Chris Shea shares his successful way to change perspective and live happier.
It’s usually not the big things that affect us as much as the accumulation of these daily small annoyances. We find ourselves lashing out in anger or snapping at others for what they may feel is a small matter, but you are really lashing out not over that issue specifically, rather you are reacting to an accumulation of small issues.
When my clients complain about issues in their life, regardless of my opinion, I try to refrain from labeling it “the small stuff”. If something is bothering someone I don’t want to say “small stuff” as that negates what they’re feeling. Although, I hope to get them to a point when someday in the future they can recognize the current issue was something small and can be now laughed at.
To get to that point of laughing at ourselves over the small stuff one of the questions that I’ll ask my clients is, “in the scope of everything going on in your life and in the world right now, where does this fit?” The question is an attempt to change perspective and put into focus that which is truly important in life.
When we get mentally stuck focused on what is truly a small matter, we need to divert our attention to refocus on something else. Eventually, you’ll forget what you were previously focused on. This helps to reframe our perspective. It’s like a laser pen for cats, keeping their attention focused on a point, not on anything else. We, as humans, act and react the same way a cat does with the laser pointer.
I’ve spent over 20 years working with people suffering from addictions to later work on their recovery while learning how to cope with cravings for their drug of choice. One of the complaints I frequently hear from my former clients is about their sponsor/mentor in guiding them through a craving. They complain to me that when they would be having a craving they would call their sponsor and say “I’m having a craving” and the sponsor would reply “hey did you watch the game last night?”
Bonus: Download Chris Shea’s booklet on Life Coaching & is it for me? Click here to get it
The former client would be dismayed that their sponsor only wanted to talk about the game instead of the craving. They would wonder what’s wrong with their sponsor that they wouldn’t talk about the craving? They’ll suggest to me that they need a new sponsor who cares for them and not some game.
My question to this person in recovery, after listening to their story, is always “well did you use last night?” “No”, they would reply. To which I state “isn’t that the goal you were going for, not using?”
If I have a headache and I focus on my headache then my headache gets worse. If I do what I need to do to take care of that headache and then do something else, my headache seems to get better or even goes away. Changing our focus or perspective takes us away from unhealthy thoughts toward either healthy or neutral thoughts. I call it the shiny object effect. If your cat or dog (or even young child) is fixated on something you don’t want them to be fixated on, simply flash a shiny object and their fixation changes to the new object. You can do this literally or figuratively with yourself and other humans.
Changing perspective helps us understand that some of life’s issues are small and not worth our time, energy, or negativity. Distracting myself from the small issue is but one aspect of coping with the small stuff; understanding and coping with the idea that it’s a small issue is vital.
Prioritizing life’s issues allows us to choose what we will and will not give time or energy to. If the issue, in the scope of what’s happening in the world, won’t make a difference, then let it go. If the issue rises to the level of needing to be addressed, then do so in a healthy, conscious, and productive manner.
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How To Live An Awesome Stress And Anxiety Free Life Without Worry
Stress and anxiety are felt by us all. We can live a stress-free life and this article explains how.
“I am capable of thinking … yet I am not my thoughts; I am the thinker of my thoughts; therefore I can change what I feel and still be me”. -Terence Gorski
Each of us are responsible for our thoughts. Just as we create our thoughts, so also do we create our emotions and behaviors. Stress and anxiety are effected by our thoughts and behaviors. Our everyday stress can be eliminated once we believe that we can control our thoughts, therefore controlling our stress response.
When asking the question, “Who am I?”, we discover that a part of the answer lies within our thoughts, emotions, and actions. I often write and speak on this topic since the cause of anxiety and stress originates within ourselves, namely, within our thoughts.
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
We tend to feel stress and anxiety over situations in which we believe we possess a lack of control. The opposite being true; if I believe that I have control over a situation my stress and anxiety will be lessened. In my work experience I have witnessed clients remain in an unhealthy situation, even when there are healthy alternatives, because their fear of the unknown stops them from making a change. The unknown can be a source of fear for in the unknown we have no control. A lack of control leads to increased anxiety, therefore, someone may remain in an unhealthy situation since they at least “know” that situation and so assume they have control over it.
We need to keep our thoughts focused on the present moment, for it is only in the present that we have the control to make changes. Focusing our thoughts on the past may cause anxiety and a stress response as we can’t control or change our past; we can only learn lessons from our past. Focusing our thoughts on the future may cause stress and anxiety as we can’t control what has not as yet happened. To maintain a stress free life we need to keep our thoughts focused on the present moment.
This is one of the reasons an examination of our thoughts, and the importance in believing that I have control over my thoughts, is vital to healthy living in a stress-free and lowered anxiety state.
As I see it, there is a difference between stress and anxiety. Stress can be eliminated from our life, while anxiety, to varying degrees, will always be with us. I teach that stress, being subjective to the perception of a person, is a person’s emotional (and at times physical) response to life situations. Hans Selye, a scientist, in 1936 defined stress as “the non-specific response of the body to any demand for change”. Notice the word “change” in the definition. Change, an unknown factor and therefore something out of my control, causes a stress response. Stress, as I see it, is our subjective response to a perceived lack of control. Since it is our response, and we are in control of our responses (behaviors and actions), we can eliminate our stress by changing our response (belief and action) to the situation.
Anxiety, on the other hand, is a pervasive sense of worry or unease, typically about the future. Whereas stress is our response to current situations in life, anxiety is an unease within ourselves regarding future events and outcomes. Stress tends to come and go given our situations at the moment; anxiety persists, to varying degrees, within us. Since anxiety is a response to unknown future events, anxiety (assuming one is not diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder) leads us to take action. This action, in the form of preparing for the future, empowers us to tackle the unknown by taking control of things we actually have control over.
Anxiety is a component of our survival mechanism known as “fight or flight”. Anxiety is therefore a response in ourselves activated to help us survive by taking action! We will either physically or emotionally flee from, or stay to fight, whatever we perceive as a threat to our survival. This differs from stress which is our subjective response to a situation. Granted, mild stress may cause us to take action, but stress, as an emotion, is fickle as it comes and goes. Anxiety, mild most of the time, stays with us, vigilant in its mission of keeping us safe.
This is why, when I teach my clients about stress and anxiety, I teach them how to rid themselves of their stress, while reducing their anxiety. The goal for inner peace is not to eliminate our anxiety, the goal is in the actions we take to cope with our anxiety and everyday stress.
As I mentioned earlier, we can eliminate our stress by changing our response (belief and action) to the situation. How do we change our response? By changing our perception. The way we view the world is our perception, and our perception becomes our reality. This quote is quite powerful in its ability to succinctly explain the whole of what I’m trying to explain:
“We do not see the world as it is; we see the world as we are.” -Talmud
In other words, my perception of the world is directly related to my perception of self. Therefore, if I change my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, as well as my view of myself, I will change how I see the world! This is why it’s important to reflect on our thoughts, believe that we can control those thoughts, and focus on eliminating stress.
{loadmodule mod_custom,continue the conversation here or on social media}
Can I Control My Future Plans? Yes You Can
Can I control my future plans? Yes you can when you change perspective.
Have you ever felt anxious about future plans or situations? I have, and I’m fairly sure most of you have, too. The anxiety we feel is caused because of the unknown. Future plans are full of unknown variables, and each of those variables will increase my anxiety if I focus on them. Focusing my energy on something I don’t know or can’t control is anxiety producing.
The solution seems obvious; either try to control what is out of your control, or stop focusing on what you can’t control. As easy as the solution seems, the practice of the solution is not so easy. It’s possible to reduce our anxiety about future plans to lead a fulfilling life, but it takes persistence and a willingness to make some changes in your thoughts.
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
The first change we need to make to have a better future is our perception. Why perception? Because our perception is our reality. For example, if I perceive my relationship as broken, regardless of the feelings of my partner, in my reality it’s broken. My thoughts and feelings will lead me to act as if the relationship is broken. Assuming the relationship is not broken, I need to change my perception of the relationship so as to change my thoughts and actions about the relationship. When I change my perception I change how I think and feel. My emotions and my actions are in my control. When I believe that I have control over myself, and I make changes which are healthy, then my anxiety drops as I am now in control of my life, not out of control.
In this new perspective on life I start to see the world with some of that original wonder in which I used to see the world. I see a world with beauty. The biggest change is that now I’m looking more at the positive aspects of the world rather than from a jaded perspective. Yes, it is as easy as flipping from looking at the negatives to looking at the positives. I will now live a more fulfilling life in a better future.
Recently I had a client who was feeling a bit down and depressed because he was focusing on all that he had given up when he chose to stop drinking alcohol. The persistent thoughts of what was now gone placed him in this slump. If he flips his perspective he will realize all that he has gained as a result of no longer drinking to the point of getting drunk, missing work, all of which caused tension in the family. What he has gained is a renewed sense of self, an empowerment, a better family life, and a greater feeling of peace. Yes, he gave up something (alcohol), but he has gained much more than he has lost. The perspective shift is in his “choosing not to do” something versus his “giving up” something. Some will argue that this is merely a play on word usage. Maybe, but words are powerful and meaningful. Changing the words we use when we talk about ourself makes a world of difference on our outlook and perception.
Some of us choose not to change our perspective as we feel the issue is not mine but someone else’s. Blaming others or outside forces for how I feel takes away my control, giving that control to the other person or outside force. It’s all about empowerment. If I’m going to sit back and complain that nothing in life changes, or “I never catch a break”, my response is “what are you doing about it?” That’s the empowerment. Today, many groups and individuals are seeking and advocating for empowerment and choice. That’s exactly what I’m talking about! If you sit back and wait for something to happen you’re not empowered or in control of your life. Wake up one morning and empower yourself by saying “I’m going to think different; I’m going to look at life different.” This is the beginning of action and action is our power. Take action by controlling your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Now you are empowered and in control of yourself and your future plans.
Once you choose to take control of your life and change your perspective, you’re set to take the next step in dealing with the anxiety of that future plan or situation. One method that I teach my clients is making a two column list. Label the left column “what I can’t control” and label the right column “what I can control”. Now, examine the situation.
On the left column list all of the components of the future plans that you have completely no control over. On the right column list those components that you do have control over. When you’re done with your lists, examine the list of the things that I can’t control and consciously forget about them. Since we can’t control them or their outcome, there is no reason or need to focus on them. Our continued focus on these components will only increase your anxiety as there is nothing you can do about them. So stop focusing on that list. Rather, let’s talk about our focus on the other list, the list of things we can control. This list will enable us to live the fulfilling life of peace we desire.
We can’t simply forget about the first list as that leaves a void, and a void needs to be filled. What we fill that void with is the control we have over the right side column list. Filling the void by taking action on what I have control over will decrease anxiety since we are doing something about the future plans. Taking positive action to make a difference in our future provides us the comfort and security of a sense of control.
So now we start planning out what I will do to make a difference in those areas in which I have control. By taking action I’m affecting the outcome of a situation that I first thought was out of my control. I need to actively take control over what I have the ability to control. As a result I am now feeling empowered when I see the changes that I’m making. When I see change it encourages me to make more change which reinforces that I have the ability to make changes in future plans and situations.
When I talk about finding inner peace I’m talking about being in sync with my thoughts and feelings based on my values and morals. When my mind and heart are in sync, then I’m at peace regardless of what happens around or to me. I could feel a gamut of emotions, but while I feel those emotions, as long as I’m in sync with myself, I’ll still feel at peace with a perspective of a better future.
When negative situations happen in life, determining what I can and can’t control empowers me to take action on those things under my control. As long as those actions are in sync with my thoughts, feelings, values, and morals, then I remain in peace regardless of life’s situations or future plans.
{loadmodule mod_custom,continue the conversation here or on social media}