Posts Tagged ‘lifecoach’
How To Cope When A Family Member Is Addicted
We’ve seen the opioid crisis get worse with more people addicted and more overdose deaths reported. Addiction is a family disease as the effects of the addiction impact the family unit. Here’s how families can cope when one of their own is addicted.
As the opioid crisis continues to get worse, more and more families are affected by addiction and are seeking ways to cope with a situation that places any family in a crisis mode. Even the healthiest of families find their world turned upside down when needing to deal with a family member suffering from addiction. I have worked in the addiction field for a couple decades and have seen the positive outcomes of recovery and have witnessed how families have gone from their lowest points to becoming healthy and whole. I am not saying this is easy, but I am saying it is possible.
Addiction is a chronic disease characterized by drug and alcohol seeking and use that is compulsive and difficult to control, despite harmful consequences. Even though addiction is classified as a disease not unlike any other medical disease, many in our society continue to view addiction as a moral failing and a choice rather than the chronic disease that it is. The American Medical Association, back in 1957, declared alcoholism (and subsequently chemical addiction) a medical disease. Not unlike chronic heart disease or diabetes, chronic addiction is treatable yet not curable. A person diagnosed with having an addiction does not have to suffer daily from that addiction but must daily treat their addiction.
Addiction is a “family disease” since the family unit is greatly impacted by a member’s active illness. As the disease of addiction progresses and the person with the disease begins to change their behavior, attitudes, and how they deal with the family, the family unit changes their behaviors and thoughts in order to cope with the changes of the person suffering from the addiction. When the person with the addiction enters recovery, meaning they are no longer actively using, their behaviors and thoughts will return to a more healthy view of life. But, if the family has not made any changes then the family unit remains unhealthy as they continue to view the person in recovery as if they were still using.
What can a family do to cope with the addiction crisis and upheaval in their lives? Let me first start with a few “don’ts” for a family to consider:
- Don’t blame yourself! Although this is a natural response to the crisis, blaming oneself does not offer a solution but only spirals you into a depression. The reality is that you did not cause your family member to use regardless of what they may tell you while in the midst of their active addiction. It’s important to remind yourself that this is not your fault and you are not to blame!
- As difficult as this may be, don’t live your life solely for the person with the addiction. Instead, continue, as much as possible, to live your life as you have been.
- Don’t enable. This is very difficult but essential to helping the person with the addiction to move toward recovery. Enabling takes many forms but generally speaking, anything you do which ultimately helps the person continue with their addictive behaviors is enabling. In most cases, family members don’t enable out of a desire to continue the addiction, but rather they make choices, out of love, but which end up enabling instead of helping.
Let’s now look at a few tips that a family can do to cope when addiction runs in the family:
- The first thing I always recommend families do is to care for themselves. Coping with a family member who is suffering from addiction is quite taxing and drains family resources. It’s important to do things which have nothing to do with the coping of the person with the addiction. If the family member is outside of the house then the rest of the family needs to take time to do things on their own to maintain their family bonds. If the person suffering from the addiction lives in the household it is important to have family time without that person and not talking about the addiction. Don’t allow the disease of addiction suffered by one person to bring down the entire family.
- Educate yourself about addiction. The more you know the more you will understand what your loved one is going through and how best you can help them. Understanding that it is not your job to change them, but as a family, it is your responsibility to guide and support them to the best of your ability. As I mentioned above, you are not to blame for the situation and so it is not your responsibility to “fix” the situation.
- One way to help with family self-care and education is to seek family or individual counseling or to find support groups. Groups such as Al-Anon are made up of members who are also doing their best to cope with the active addiction of a loved one. I know it’s difficult to seek help, but if the family falls apart how will the family ever be able to help the person with the addiction? Seeking outside help will, in the end, teach healthy coping methods which will bring the family closer together.
- Managing expectations will keep you grounded and remove some of your stress and anxiety. Many of us feel anxious or stressed when outcomes don’t match up with our expectations. Keeping our expectations based on reality will help us feel some inner peace. For example, a reasonable expectation is that the person suffering from the addiction seeks help, whereas an unreasonable expectation is that the person will become cured just because you told them to stop using. If recovery were as simple as being told to stop doing what they’re doing they would have done that earlier.
- Continually remind yourself and the rest of the family that addiction is a disease and not a moral failing to be judged. The longer you feel that it is a moral failing the more frustrated you will become when your loved one continues their use. Reminding yourself that they are suffering from a disease will reduce some of your frustration as you realize that your family member is not necessarily being obstinate but that they need proper medical care to treat the illness from which they suffer.
Bonus: Download Chris Shea’s booklet on Life Coaching & is it for me? Click here to get it
Not only does the person with the active addiction suffer from the consequences of their disease but so do their loved ones and family members. The disease of addiction is a family disease, so treating it as such will help all members of the family cope in a healthy way with the crisis placed upon them. Never give up hope! I have witnessed many families come out the other end of addiction closer and healthier than they were prior to the crisis. Seek help for your loved one, but just as importantly seek help for the family.
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5 Reasons Why Inner Peace Is Important
So many of us are seeking inner peace that the question of why inner peace is important comes to the forefront. Inner peace is a concept which I speak and write about quite frequently. For me, the pursuit of inner peace is more important and vital then the search for happiness or success. Happiness is nothing more but a fleeting emotion, and success can be taken from us just as easily as it can be gained. But true inner peace is permanent.
Inner peace is not just for those who dedicate their lives to prayer or spirituality. Inner peace is attainable regardless of our lifestyle or occupation. As I have previously written, inner peace can be found as we learn to mindfully view ourselves and the world around us.
I define inner peace as a state of emotional and mental peace without disturbing thoughts, and recognizing our control over our moods and reactions. It is essential for inner peace that we believe it’s possible and that we believe we are in control of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Once we truly believe and acknowledge this, the foundation for inner peace has been built.
When one attains inner peace you find that you are able to cope, in a healthy way, with any event or situation happening around you. inner peace does not take away or eliminate our anxieties or fears, rather inner peace allows us to cope with those anxieties and fears, through which we learn and move beyond those anxieties. Neither anxieties or fears are possible to be eliminated, but anxieties and fears can be utilized as a means for further growth.
In my private practice and in speaking with people in general, I find that most people do not believe that inner peace is possible. I can understand why this feeling exists since many of us don’t have inner peace. But just because we don’t have it does not mean that it’s not attainable. Please refer to some of my previous writings to learn how to attain inner peace as this article is not focused on the how but on the why. It’s my hope that if we understand why inner peace is important we may be encouraged to strive to attain inner peace.
Here are but a few of the reasons that I feel inner peace is important. I’ve reflected on these in my own experience along with the experiences of my clients. This in no way is an exhaustive list but rather a start for you to add on to.
- It improves our ability to focus our mind. In today’s world there are many distractions which cause us anxiety and worry. The anxiety and worry which we feel is not productive and causes us to lose focus on ourselves and our families. Inner peace teaches us the proper coping methods so that we can turn our anxiety and worry into action steps while maintaining the focus of our mind on what is truly important in our lives.
- It helps us to show patience and tolerance. If you have any dealings with social media you are fully aware of the lack of tolerance and patience people seem to have these days. Inner peace allows us to be patient and tolerant of the views of others without the need for anger reactions or responses. Inner peace teaches us that through patience we can better understand the situation and therefore better understand solutions to the problems.
- It provides us the ability to sleep better. Many of us do not get the proper amount of sleep either because we are overworked or our minds are overworked. Since inner peace helps us to cope with our stresses and anxieties it allows our minds to not only focus but to slow down thus enabling us to gain a good night sleep.
- It enables us to enjoy happiness. Happiness is but a fleeting emotion although an emotion which does not happen easily these days. Having an inner peace and therefore less stress and anxiety allows us to more deeply feel our happy moments. As we practice mindful living and a sense of inner peace those moments of happiness feel greater and seem to last longer.
- It improves our relationships with others. How we feel about ourselves is how we perceive the world around us. That perception of the world guides our responses and actions. If I am feeling an inner peace my view of myself will be improved, therefore the world around me will seem better and brighter which will lead to more positive reactions and actions on my part. The more positive that I can be in my relationships the more positivity I will receive from the other.
I know from experience that finding and living with inner peace is possible. I’m not speaking academically or theoretically, but personally. Once you can believe that inner peace is attainable for you then you too can work toward gaining inner peace. The reasons why inner peace is important are many! It’s my hope that as you work on your own inner peace you will add to my list.
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How To Cope When Addiction Runs In The Family
Nowadays, the unfortunate reality is that many of us have been affected in some way by addiction. We personally may not be the person suffering from the addiction but odds are there is someone in your family or circle of friends who either is currently addicted or is working on a program of recovery. The latest opioid crisis has brought addiction to the spotlight, but addiction as a problem has been around for decades.
More and more families are affected by addiction and are seeking ways to cope with a situation that places any family in a crisis mode. Even the healthiest of families find their world turned upside down when needing to deal with a family member suffering from addiction. I have worked in the addiction field for a couple decades and have seen the positive outcomes of recovery and have witnessed how families have gone from their lowest points to becoming healthy and whole. I am not saying this is easy, but I am saying it is possible.
Before I get into discussing the impact that addiction has on a family and what the family can do to cope with the addiction, I would like to offer a definition of addiction. Addiction is referred to as a chronic disease characterized by drug seeking and use that is compulsive, or difficult to control, despite harmful consequences. Yes, addiction is classified as a disease not unlike any other medical disease. unfortunately, many in our society continue to view addiction as a moral failing and a choice rather than the chronic disease that it is. If you are unsure that addiction is a disease please check medical websites as they will show you why and how the medical profession views addiction as a disease.
What we mean when we say that addiction is chronic, is that addiction runs in families and is passed on from generation to generation. Not unlike chronic heart disease or diabetes, chronic addiction is treatable yet not curable. A person diagnosed with having an addiction does not have to suffer daily from that addiction but must daily treat the addiction.
I like to refer to addiction as a “family disease” since the family unit is greatly impacted by an individual member’s active illness. As the disease of addiction progresses and the person with the disease begins to change their behavior, attitudes, and how they deal with the family, the family unit changes their behaviors and thoughts in order to cope with the changes of the person with addiction. When the person with the addiction enters recovery, meaning they are no longer actively using, their behaviors and thoughts will return to a more healthy view of life. But, if the family has not made any changes then the family unit remains unhealthy as they continue to view the person in recovery as if they were still using.
Therefore, it’s important to treat the person with the addiction as well as to treat the family as a whole. Not that it’s the fault of the family, but rather it’s to help the family learn healthy coping skills. If a family member were diagnosed with chronic cancer the family as a whole would be greatly impacted and would change how they view the person with cancer. Helping that family cope with the member suffering from cancer is no different than helping a family cope with a person suffering from an addiction.
So, what can a family do to cope with the crisis and upheaval in their lives as they experience the active addiction of one of their members? Let me first start with a few “don’ts” for a family to consider:
- Don’t blame yourself! Although this is a natural response to the crisis, blaming oneself does not offer a solution but only spirals you into a depression or a “pity party”. The reality is that you did not cause your family member to use regardless of what they may tell you while in the midst of their active addiction. Even if we were to admit it was your fault, the act of blaming yourself still does not give us a workable solution to cope with or solve the problem. It’s important to remind yourself that this is not your fault and you are not to blame!
- As difficult as this may be, don’t live your life solely for the person with the addiction. Instead, continue, as much as possible, to live your life as you have been.
- Don’t enable. This is very difficult but essential to helping the person with the addiction to move toward recovery. Enabling takes many forms but generally speaking anything you do which ultimately helps the person to continue with their addictive behaviors is enabling. In most cases family members don’t enable out of a desire to continue the addiction, but rather they make choices, out of love, but which end up enabling instead of helping.
Let’s now look at a few tips that a family can do to cope when addiction runs in the family:
- The first thing I always recommend families do is to care of themselves. Coping with a family member who is suffering from addiction is quite taxing and drains family resources. It’s important to do things which have nothing to do with the coping of the person with the addiction. If the family member is outside of the house then the rest of the family needs to take time to do things on their own to maintain their family bonds. If the person suffering from the addiction lives in the household it is important to have family time either with or without that person but not talking about the addiction. Don’t allow the disease of addiction suffered by one person bring down the entire family.
- Educate yourself about addiction. The more you know the more you will understand what your loved one is going through and how best you can help them. Understanding that it is not your job to change them, but as a family it is your responsibility to guide and support them to the best of your ability. As I mentioned above, you are not to blame for the situation and so it is not your full responsibility to “fix” the situation.
- One way to help with family self-care and education is to seek family or individual counseling, or to find support groups. Groups such as Al-Anon are made up of members who are also doing their best to cope with the active addiction of a loved one. I know it’s difficult to seek help, but if the family falls apart how will the family ever be able to help the person with the addiction? Seeking outside help will, in the end, teach healthy coping methods which will bring the family closer together.
- Managing expectations will keep you grounded and remove some of your stress and anxiety. Many of us feel anxious or stressed when outcomes don’t match up with our expectations. Keeping our expectations based on reality will help us feel some inner peace. For example, a reasonable expectation is that the person suffering from the addiction seeks help, whereas an unreasonable expectation is that the person will become cured just because you told them to stop using. If recovery were as simple as being told to stop doing what they’re doing they would have done that at the beginning.
- Continually remind yourself and the rest of the family that addiction is a disease and not a moral failing to be judged. The longer you feel that it is a moral failing the more frustrated you will become when your loved one continues their use. Reminding yourself that they are suffering from a disease will reduce some of your frustration as you realize that your family member is not necessarily being obstinate but that they need proper medical care to treat the illness from which they suffer.
Not only does the person with the active addiction suffer from the consequences of their disease but so do their loved ones and family members. The disease of addiction is a family disease, so treating it as such will help all members of the family cope in a healthy way with the crisis placed upon them. Never give up hope! I have witnessed many families come out the other end of addiction closer and healthier than they were prior to the crisis. Seek help for your loved one, but just as importantly seek help for the family.
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Successfully Coping With Adversity
In today’s day and age, who hasn’t been affected by adversity of some sort? It is the rare yet fortunate person who lives life unaffected by any pain or suffering. Living life means we take chances and place our trust and faith in other people and society. This trust in others can be betrayed while some of the chances we take don’t work out the way we hoped or wanted. This is why we suffer from adversity.
I reviewed various dictionaries for the definition of adversity and found “misfortune” and “a difficult or unpleasant situation”. I feel that it’s important for us to keep in mind that some adversity happens to us, while some adversity may be caused by us. Nonetheless, I firmly believe that it is not the adversity which defines us, rather, it’s our way of dealing with the adversity which is most important. The question is not “how do I avoid adversity?” The question is “How best can I cope with my adversity?” We can’t escape adversity, but how we respond to the adversity will determine whether or not we are happy and at peace, or miserable and in turmoil.
The first step in learning to cope is in learning to change our perspective. Our perspective about ourselves and the world around us is our reality. I will spare us a philosophical discussion on reality, except to say that reality is based on our perception of our world. Think about it: if I don’t feel positive about myself, then my view of my world will not be positive. How can it be? If I’m miserable I won’t appreciate the positive and beautiful aspects of our world.
When adversity enters our world, our perceptions of the adversity, our world, our family, and oneself will determine how we cope with the adversity. It’s important for us to recognize our perceptions and work on changing our negative views and thoughts. I’m not saying we are to deny or avoid the negatives in life; they are real and a part of who we are. What I am saying is that dwelling on the positives in life will influence our perceptions. A favorite quote of mine is “there are no problems, only solutions.” (John Lennon) I agree with the sentiment. If we focus on “solution-thought” there are no problems only the solutions; that on which we focus our attention is our reality.
I encourage you to spend time each day practicing changing your thoughts to focus on the positive and on solutions. Don’t deny the negative, but re-think the situation.
The next step in coping with adversity is in training our thoughts to focus on the positives in life. As previously mentioned, our perception is our reality, and our reality influences our thoughts (and vice versa). So, changing our thoughts will change our reality and our feelings. We don’t ignore or hide the negatives in life, but what is it that becomes our main focus; the negatives or the positives? In the latter, we still acknowledge the negative, but we focus on what we can do, on the solutions needed; not on what we can’t do or change.
As we reflect on life we notice that most days there are positives and negatives at the same time. We become anxious or overwhelmed as we focus on future problems or negatives because we can’t control the future. The same is true for our regrets of the past. We can’t control our past so we feel anxious about the past. Focusing our thoughts on the future and on the past cause our adversity to feel more intense since we are focusing our energies on negatives and things we can’t control.
So, focusing our energies on the positives, and on the present moment, will help us to to feel less intense about our adversity. The key, as I see it, is control. That which I have control over won’t bother me nearly as much as that which I don’t have control over.
The next step in coping with adversity is in understanding that we are not victims of the adversity. Victimhood, the feeling that my life is out of my control, causes us to fall into a sense of helplessness. If you convince yourself that “the world is out to get me”, or that the situation is forced upon you, you then convince yourself there is nothing you can do about it.
Once you feel out of control with no options for action, the adversity takes over. But this does not need to happen! This is the reason I have been talking about changing perspective and changing our focus to the positives. Here’s the key in one easy phrase WE HAVE CONTROL OVER OUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS!
When you agree to that statement, that you have control over your thoughts and feelings, then you admit that you have control! Since you have control you are no longer helpless nor a victim! We may, in reality, have no control over situations we find ourselves in, but we do have control, always, in how we respond to situations. How I perceive the situation and what action I take influences how healthy I am coping.
We can’t avoid adversity, don’t make that your goal. The goal is in how well I can keep control of my thoughts and feelings. Before adversity happens, practice this. Take time daily to refocus your thoughts to the positives and to solutions. The more often you do this the easier the task becomes. And when adversity happens, do the same thing; refocus your thoughts on positives and solutions. As I quoted earlier “there are no problems, only solutions”.
I admit that this is not always an easy task, and yes, we will fail at it from time to time. Be easy on yourself when you do. Then get up, refocus on the positives, and find solutions which will help the situation. Remember, we can’t always change the situation itself, but you can always change how we respond to the situation.
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NEW Book “The Journey To Inner Peace Starts Here”
Since the founding of Lifesjourney as a blog, I have continuously been focused on guiding us (myself included) toward finding inner peace. Finally, the moment has come that I can offer all of you a book. This book “The Journey To Inner Peace Starts Here” is a short reflection on the first steps needed to begin the journey on finding happiness and inner peace. The next books in this series will delve deeper into specifics such as meditating, finding and believing in hope, and overcoming adversity. Becoming less stressed and happy is possible, I know, and this book shows you how.
As I write in the introduction: “Thе раth tо innеr реасе iѕ nоt ѕimрlе оr ѕhоrt. Yоu саnnоt just wаkе uр one dау аnd dесidе уоu аrе gоing tо hаvе innеr реасе frоm thаt роint fоrwаrd. It iѕ a рrосеѕѕ, a jоurnеу thаt nееdѕ tо bе аррrесiаtеd еvеrу ѕtер оf thе wау. Yоu nееd tо bе willing to lеt gо and ассерt уоur full ѕресtrum оf еmоtiоnѕ. Yоu need to be rеаdу tо ѕtер оutѕidе thе bоx уоu hаvе аllоwеd уоurѕеlf tо bе рut intо аnd ѕtаrt frоm scratch, getting tо knоw уоurѕеlf all оvеr again аnd bе willing tо mаkе miѕtаkеѕ. And most imроrtаntlу, уоu hаvе tо realize thаt оnlу уоu hаvе соntrоl оvеr уоur еmоtiоnаl rеѕроnѕеѕ аnd rеасtiоnѕ аnd thеу саn bе сhаngеd for thе bеttеr.”
You can find this book on Amazon (click here) and all major book sellers. Please leave a review on the book site, and leave your comments there or here. I am interested in what topics you wish me to write about in this series, so feel free to share with us. As a life coach I am focused on guiding us to to accomplishing our goals and finding our peace.
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The Five Mindfulness Trainings For A Peace Filled Life
A few years ago, while travelling through South Carolina, I was touring an old barn when I noticed, above me in the ceiling, a large bird was frantically trying to escape the barn. The bird continued to fly into the closed window in its frantic desire to escape the barn. Attempt after attempt, nothing changed for the bird. It flew towards the closed window, smashed into the window, and once again flew into the closed window. Presumably unbeknownst to this anxious bird, the barn doors, one on each end of the barn, were wide open! Had the frantic bird simply stopped a moment to observe its surroundings, it would have noticed a very easy escape into the freedom of the outside sky. Yet, the bird was so focused on the task in front of it that it failed to see any alternate options.
I mention this story as I recalled it a couple days ago while at my house. I happened upon a butterfly, who, in similar manner to the bird I described above, was frantically flying against a screen on my porch in an attempt to escape the enclosure. Also, similarly to the story above, immediately behind the butterfly was the open door. Yet, as in the story of the bird, the butterfly also did not pause to observe its surroundings. Instead, the butterfly continued flying into the screen (as a side note, I did help the butterfly to escape).
I empathize with both the bird and the butterfly for I too have found myself “banging my head” against that fictitious window or screen in an attempt to either change my life’s course or to escape some emotion which I was not willing to face. It has taken decades for me to begin to learn of the benefits of living in the moment and simply be.
In my writings and public speaking I talk often of mindfulness. This is a state of active, open attention on the present. Carefully observing your thoughts and feelings without judging them good or bad. Mindfulness means living in the moment, aware of your current experience, rather than dwelling on the past or anticipating the future. As I reflect on the bird and butterfly I realize that I am not much different from them in that I tend to allow my emotions and crisis moments to take control of my focus. Yet, in my focused awareness (mindfulness), I’m able to see solutions; to see hope.
My journey from a life of harried busyness and much stress, to a life of mindful reflection and life coaching, did not come easily. I began to slowly, over time, realize that banging my head on closed window or a screen was getting me nothing but a headache. It took strength to to stop myself long enough to desire to look around at my world. Once I stopped and looked around, I noticed options and solutions in my life.
The insightful and wise Vietnamese monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, in his book “The Art of Mindfulness”, reflects on what he calls the “Five Mindfulness Trainings”. These “trainings” are intended to guide us to be mindful of ourselves, our pain, and the world around us. Many of us, myself included, purposefully use electronic devices, reading materials, and sometimes even exercise, as a means of distracting ourselves from our reality. As with the bird and the butterfly, not stopping to notice our world does not give the freedom for which we seek.
Here are the “Five Mindfulness Trainings” from Thich Nhat Hanh:
- Compassion
- Generosity
- True love
- Deep listening
- Cultivating good health
When we do our best to accomplish these five trainings, we have set up our thoughts and actions to be mindful, in a state of active, open attention on the present. These trainings are not meant solely for others, that is, not that we only give to others our compassion, generosity, love, listening, and health; but that we give these to ourselves as well.
In mindful awareness we need to be compassionate with ourselves, generous to ourselves, loving oneself, listening to our mind and our body, and give ourselves good health. In taking care of ourselves in this way will we achieve a deep and true inner peace.
Aware of the plight of both the bird and the butterfly as told in the beginning of this article, I encourage all of us not to continually bang our heads in frustration, but in freedom, to learn to live mindfully.
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Our Joyous Expectations of Newness for the New Year
Happy New Year 2017!! Our expectations of newness for the year upon us is obvious. As I reflect on writing this post I realized that this time last week I gathered with family and friends to enjoy Christmas Day, while just last night I joined with family and friends watching the Times Square ball descend into a new year. Many events happen in a short time period during the holiday season. But what does it all mean? As I relax with a good cup of coffee on this first morning of the new year, I reread this Marvin comic I
happened upon a couple of years ago. When I think about it, what does make this morning any different from yesterday’s? It feels the same, I’m doing the same things, the people around me are the same, the scenery is the same, and yes, the smell is the same. But I am told that this morning is the start of a new year! New beginnings out of the old. New opportunities and adventures await me! Ahhhh….. the promise of newness. But, as reflected in the comic, it doesn’t feel new. Does it feel or smell new to you? So, if this new year “smells” like last year should I feel cheated out of that new car smell experience?
One of the reasons for this comic’s relevance is that many of us place too high of expectations on ourselves, especially this time of the year. I am not speaking against resolutions in general, but are your resolutions and expectations reasonable? Challenging oneself can be a growth opportunity since through challenges and struggles we learn and grow. But what if you found yourself wanting more once you realized the new year didn’t smell any different from the old? What if you realize nothing has changed? For too many of us this is what happens along our journey. We expected a particular day to be one way, and when it wasn’t, we were disappointed.
In this new year, when our experiences may not smell as they “should” (according to how I feel they should smell), try to take a moment and look at your situation, the new year, and find a deeper reality. Look beyond yourself to other possibilities. Challenge yourself to learn something new about the world around you. In so doing, I have no doubt that your life’s journey will begin to take a new path.
May you all have a happy and blessed New year, filled with many new paths, adventures, and even new smells.
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Trust is the meaning of Christmas Eve
Reason for the Season
Christmas Eve, for me as a child, was one of the longest days ever! As an adult, I find this day to be one filled with anticipation and excitement, for spiritually I know that tomorrow we commemorate the birth of Jesus my Lord. But today the birth is not my focus, rather, my focus turns to His mother, Mary. Mary, an unwed teenager from a small town in a desert is asked the impossible; to trust so deeply in God when asked to bear God’s son. I have no doubt that Mary’s “yes” came with some hesitation and trepidation. And I’m sure she did not always have a pleasant time of it when dealing with her future husband, her family, and just the fact of being pregnant in general. Yet, through it all, Mary never gave up.
Jesus was born to this poor teenage girl in a stable in a small town in the far reaches of the Roman empire. He was born to a girl who took a leap of faith and trusted in her God. She persevered, not knowing the outcome. Onward she traveled, despite hardship and fear.
For me, Christmas is not only a time of celebration and remembrance; it is also a time when I feel challenged to live the example set forth by Mary; to trust, in faith, in my God; to persevere along the journey even though I may be scared or not understanding its end or purpose in my life. Today, let’s follow the example of Mary, a poor young teenage girl, who struggled the best she could, and in the end provided the world with its savior.
I share this song for your reflection (words are below). This song sums up for me how I imagine Mary felt. How do the words speak to you?
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RVTZDgcpqM]
Breath of Heaven
I have traveled many moonless nights
Cold and weary with a babe inside
And I wonder what I’ve done
Holy Father, You have come
Chosen me now to carry Your Son
Do You wonder as You watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place
But I offer all I am for the mercy of Your plan
Help me be strong, help me be help me
Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Light in my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness
For You’re holy
Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Light in my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness
For Your holy breath of heaven
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tips for finding hope in winter
“In winter we lead a more inward life. Our hearts are warm and cheery, like cottages under drifts, whose windows and doors are half concealed, but from whose chimneys the smoke cheerfully ascends.” Henry David Thoreau
My house after the first of two blizzards to hit in 2010 (credit: Blog Author)
Today, our planet is tilted in such a way that half of us will experience the shortest day of the solar year, the Winter Solstice. Personally, this is my favorite time of the year, for as Thoreau so poetically wrote, this is the time of the year most suited for leading an inward life.
I grew up in the northern part of the US where the days were short, the nights long, and snow blowing in the bitter wind. Ah, heaven! The sun would set around 4:00pm or so and a purplish haze would envelop the area just prior to the arrival of darkness; my favorite time of the day. Why? I’m not really sure, to be honest. It may be because that’s where I grew up and so the memory of cold winter evenings brings a warmth to my thoughts. It may be because of my penchant for quiet beauty as an opportunity for reflection. Regardless, today ushers in an excitement for me just as the arrival of summer produces in others.
The Winter solstice has been observed for thousands of years. Our ancestors built edifices, large bonfires, and later lit up their homes; all in the hope of enticing the sun to return. If we think as ancient humans thought, imagine what would be going through their minds as the days shortened. In lieu of scientific knowledge, they most likely were fearful that the sun eventually would not return.
In our personal lives, do we ever feel that the “setting sun” will not return; that our happiness and peace will never return; that we will live in “darkness” forever? Our internal fear is not unlike the external fear felt by our ancestors. As was true with our ancestors is also true for ourselves; the “sun” will rise once again! Our ancestors most assuredly assumed they had enticed the sun to return through their rituals and bonfires, although it was the working of nature that accomplished that goal. In our lives let us learn from our ancestors who didn’t wait for the eternal darkness, rather, they took action and did all they could to tackle their fear and reverse what they felt was inevitable.
1. When we feel an emotional fear, take some time to meditate, to reflect on your inner self. Try to find the source or reason for the fear.
2. Identify your fear. Honestly name it for what it is. Honestly think through what you feel is the worst possible outcome in your current situation.
3. Have you ever felt this fear before in your life? What was the outcome? What actions did you take at that time which helped ease the fear; what actions did you take which did not ease the fear or change the situation?
4. Learning from your personal history, and with the help of family and friends, what specific action(s) can you take to overcome this fear and possibly change the situation? Regardless of the immensity of your situation and how small you feel your actions are, take action anyway! Our ancestors feared that the sun, the powerful orb in the heavens which gave them light and heat, would disappear forever. What did they do? They lit bonfires. A small fire in comparison to the sun, but they took action nonetheless.
5. Never give up on hope! If you take action to make a difference there is a chance that action will work. Take no action and I will guarantee nothing will change.
Through mindful awareness, we can see the beauty and the hope of this season. The darkness is part of the beauty, if we view it as such.
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A Different Perspective on Addiction
{eds. note: This is a guest blog written by counselor Catherine McConnell. Click here for her website.}
Everyone knows that “drugs are bad, mmkay.” We’ve all heard it, “just say no,” “addiction is a disease,” and it has been glamorized for our entertainment in shows like “Intervention.” But what if it was more than that? What if I told you, that I can assist in treating addiction without EVER uttering a word about the drug?
I work with mandated Child Protective Services (CPS) cases and I see a lot of people who are forced to come to therapy. Some of them are ready to quit and some aren’t. Do you know what they all have in common? Pain. There is no addiction without pain. They come in expecting to be judged, to be told that drugs are bad and how they affect the body. They come in angry and looking for a fight. They want to tell me all the reasons they aren’t an awful human being (I agree with them there!). They’re often taken aback at my approach. I’m a little different. I listen… and then I ask “what are you running from?”
After getting over the initial shock of it all, they usually have the answer. They know EXACTLY what they’re running from, what sent them to addiction, and that it’s out of control. Many of them will tell me that they don’t even like getting high anymore but it’s what they know. They don’t need me to tell them what the drug does. They’ve heard it all and often know more than I do about it. They could teach me! Underneath the substance use are family patterns, abuse, others taking advantage of them, – pick a version. The universal human experience means pain to them. And then, they get stuck in addiction- More pain. So then, there’s a crossroads… which pain? An addict isn’t ready until the pain and consequences of addiction are worse than facing whatever demon has driven them mad.
I feel like we often treat addiction all wrong. We lecture. We intellectualize. I’m telling you: they knew drugs were bad when they picked them up. They didn’t mean to get here, but forgetting feels so good. To not be a victim for a moment, to not relive a happening, to not hear the abusive tapes of “you’re not good enough, you’ll never amount to anything, you’re nothing but a piece of trash addict” is so nice. To have peace, until the next fix. These souls are mistakenly chasing peace.
So, how do we help them? By giving them back their dignity. By understanding that they are a human in pain. By not lecturing, but listening. They don’t need our lectures and judgement they do that in spades themselves. By giving them the space to come in and saying “have a seat and stop running. Rest” we will reach them.
I am always honest. I say “this is going to hurt.” And you know what the response usually is? Not any more than what I’ve been through. And they’re right. They always tell me at the end how proud they are and that it wasn’t as awful as they thought it would be.
We’re doing it all wrong. There’s a place for lectures and accountability, but it needs to be balanced with humanity. If you really want to reach an addict, listen. Ask what they’re running from. They’ll tell you every time. It’s never about the drugs.
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