Posts Tagged ‘perspective’
An Expert Life Coach Shares Successful Ways to Change Perspective
Many of us are negatively bothered by the small annoyances in life. Expert life coach Chris Shea shares his successful way to change perspective and live happier.
It’s usually not the big things that affect us as much as the accumulation of these daily small annoyances. We find ourselves lashing out in anger or snapping at others for what they may feel is a small matter, but you are really lashing out not over that issue specifically, rather you are reacting to an accumulation of small issues.
When my clients complain about issues in their life, regardless of my opinion, I try to refrain from labeling it “the small stuff”. If something is bothering someone I don’t want to say “small stuff” as that negates what they’re feeling. Although, I hope to get them to a point when someday in the future they can recognize the current issue was something small and can be now laughed at.
To get to that point of laughing at ourselves over the small stuff one of the questions that I’ll ask my clients is, “in the scope of everything going on in your life and in the world right now, where does this fit?” The question is an attempt to change perspective and put into focus that which is truly important in life.
When we get mentally stuck focused on what is truly a small matter, we need to divert our attention to refocus on something else. Eventually, you’ll forget what you were previously focused on. This helps to reframe our perspective. It’s like a laser pen for cats, keeping their attention focused on a point, not on anything else. We, as humans, act and react the same way a cat does with the laser pointer.
I’ve spent over 20 years working with people suffering from addictions to later work on their recovery while learning how to cope with cravings for their drug of choice. One of the complaints I frequently hear from my former clients is about their sponsor/mentor in guiding them through a craving. They complain to me that when they would be having a craving they would call their sponsor and say “I’m having a craving” and the sponsor would reply “hey did you watch the game last night?”
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The former client would be dismayed that their sponsor only wanted to talk about the game instead of the craving. They would wonder what’s wrong with their sponsor that they wouldn’t talk about the craving? They’ll suggest to me that they need a new sponsor who cares for them and not some game.
My question to this person in recovery, after listening to their story, is always “well did you use last night?” “No”, they would reply. To which I state “isn’t that the goal you were going for, not using?”
If I have a headache and I focus on my headache then my headache gets worse. If I do what I need to do to take care of that headache and then do something else, my headache seems to get better or even goes away. Changing our focus or perspective takes us away from unhealthy thoughts toward either healthy or neutral thoughts. I call it the shiny object effect. If your cat or dog (or even young child) is fixated on something you don’t want them to be fixated on, simply flash a shiny object and their fixation changes to the new object. You can do this literally or figuratively with yourself and other humans.
Changing perspective helps us understand that some of life’s issues are small and not worth our time, energy, or negativity. Distracting myself from the small issue is but one aspect of coping with the small stuff; understanding and coping with the idea that it’s a small issue is vital.
Prioritizing life’s issues allows us to choose what we will and will not give time or energy to. If the issue, in the scope of what’s happening in the world, won’t make a difference, then let it go. If the issue rises to the level of needing to be addressed, then do so in a healthy, conscious, and productive manner.
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How To Change My Perspective And Be Happy
Over the years I’ve come to the realization that my perspective is a point of life we don’t think of. Yet, perspective influences and dictates how I feel and act.
It’s all about my perspective! I feel that we are challenged to understand that the way we view or perceive the world around us is directly related to how we see ourselves. If I have low self-esteem or do not consider myself in a positive way, how can I view my relationships, work, and my community in any way but negative? Sure, I can fake it, and many people will believe the lie I tell them (and the lie I tell myself), but we know the truth.
During my undergraduate studies, I had a professor who was very knowledgeable in his field yet was quite miserable in his life. If you met him while you both were getting the morning coffee and were to say to him “good morning!”, his response would always be “don’t tell me what kind of morning to have!”
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
In varying degrees, we’ve all felt similar to that professor. We can’t fathom a “good” morning or a beautiful day, or success. Why? Because we don’t feel it within us. We feel lost, unloved, anxious, that the world is against me. Those feelings are my perception, and that perception influences how we view our external world. My perception becomes, and indeed is, our reality.
Reality, philosophically and experientially, is not widely understood. I’ll stay away from a philosophical discussion of reality, except to reiterate that our experience of reality is based on our perceptions. None of us see or experience the world in precisely the same way as anyone else experiences it. Our existence, as it is experienced by each of us, at this moment, is based on how we feel about ourselves and what we have learned up to this moment.
All of our past experiences have taught us lessons. Every choice you made, with it’s resulting consequence, showed you to either make that choice again or to make a different decision in the future. Everything you was directly or indirectly told by family, friends, co-workers, colleagues, etc., have influenced you, coupled with your choices and experiences. Everything which has happened to you up until this moment has, in a significant way, affected who you are right now!
Therefore, in a real way, we are a product of our history. This is why I often say that the purpose of the past is to learn from it rather than dwell on it. Since we are products of our past decisions and actions, the theory is correct that if we don’t like who we are today, all we need to do is make different future choices and take different future actions. In other words, make a perspective shift.
Since we learned one way of being, we can learn another, different way of being. We aren’t stuck. We can change perspective.
Through our experiences, we not only learned ways to act, but we also learned ways to think. If the experience was not emotionally pleasant, or an experience we want to forget, we learned what is called “distorted” thoughts, or “irrational” thoughts.
The reason we call specific thoughts distorted or irrational is that these thoughts do not deal with reality, nor do they lead us to happiness or inner peace. When traumatic experiences happen to us, our emotional response is to protect oneself. How we protect oneself is by skewing, in our mind, the reality of the event so that it becomes a “reality” we can cope with. In other words, it becomes my perspective. This new reality is different from the reality we are experiencing so that we can better deal with life. The coping mechanism itself is not harmful as it allows us to cope during the emotional experience, but if we continue to view our world in this skewed way we no longer interact with the world as it is, but as we perceive it to be, in my perspective. Therefore, we call these thoughts distorted or irrational thinking.
Identifying and understanding the origin of your distorted thinking allows you to reframe and change your thoughts to those which are healthy and will lead you to happiness and inner peace. We need to change perspective. Our life’s challenge is to stay focused on the present moment, non-judgementally, feeling what it is we are meant to feel at this moment, then making decisions which will lead us to a healthy way of coping with life; a perspective shift.
How do I know that I am coping healthily? Your thoughts and your actions will lead to resolution of your issues, and you will begin to feel inner freedom and peace for which you have longed. Then you will know that you are healthily coping with life.
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Angry At The World? Use That Anger For Good
Maybe it’s just me, but it appears that anger is the main emotion of our time. Yes, there is kindness, and I do meet people who are not angry; yet, of the people I meet, more display anger than who display kindness. I don’t think my experience is abnormal.
In a study conducted a year ago, researchers Okuda, et al. discovered that 7.8% of the Americans they surveyed, 34,000 adults over the age of 18, found an overall prevalence of inappropriate, intense, or poorly controlled anger. That percentage may not seem high, but round out the numbers, and for every 34,000 adult Americans, 3,000 of them exhibit poorly controlled anger. (“Prevalence and correlates of anger in the community: results from a national survey.“ April 2015)
Why is there so much anger? We see it in the streets, in demonstrations, on social media, etc. I have my theories, but the focus of this article is not on the why, or the origin, of the anger. Rather, I write this article on anger from the perspective of mindfulness. In mindfulness we are urged to remain in the moment, non judgmentally. Following that suggestion, I don’t necessarily need to understand why someone is angry. What would be helpful, assuming the anger is taking a person away from their peace, is to guide that person to shift their perspective and so take an action in the hopes of returning that person to sense of peace.
As a counselor and practitioner of mindfulness, I don’t perceive the feeling of anger as either positive or negative. The feeling is the feeling; what I do with the feeling is what is either positive or negative. So, anger in and of itself is not the issue. My perception and actions based on the anger is the issue. Therefore, that many people these days seem to be angry is not what bothers me. What many of them are or are not doing is the issue.
Anger, as an emotion, has it’s place. Anger has been used successfully as a means of defense against danger, both physical and emotional. Anger, felt when we perceive a threat, produces in us an increase of the chemical adrenaline. This chemical prepares the body for a physical fight, and for later coping with the emotions of the event.
In today’s society, whenever we feel that our ideas, beliefs, or opinions are attacked, our basic instinct kicks in resulting in an anger response. Anger is undoubtedly the most judgmental of our emotions. It’s also the most moralistic, self-righteous, and repudiating. Most of us will defend, sometimes to the death, what we believe. Attacking a person’s beliefs or opinions is akin to an attack of the person themself. Why? Because we are the thinker of our thoughts! In essence, if you attack my thoughts, you attack what I created, and in so doing you attack the creator, me.
Anger is probably the only emotion which we consciously cling to. Think about the last time you felt happiest. How long did that feeling, in it’s intensity, last? And when the feeling drifted away, many of us say “I wish it lasted longer.” Yet, when it comes to anger, when was the last time that feeling simply drifted away? For many of us, we hold onto it, ruminating over and over the offense which was done. Logically, between the emotions of happiness and anger, which would you choose to stick around? I would choose happiness, but as I write this I’m not angry. If I were, odds are I’d be choosing anger.
Why do we hold on to anger? Let’s examine what the emotion of anger does for us:
- It provides us with a feeling of power.
- It enables us to believe that we are in control of the situation.
- It confirms for us that we are right and correct in our stance.
Examining this list, why wouldn’t I want to hold onto anger? Actually, there is a number one reason why we can’t bear to let go of our anger. If I give up feeling angry then I allow myself to feel less powerful, less in control, and I may discover that I’m not completely correct in my thoughts or beliefs. If I am willing to give over power and control to re-examine my thoughts, I have just opened myself up to self-examination!
Self-examination is one of the goals of meditation, and a means of growth. But self-examination can be scary as we uncover aspects about us that we may not wish to open, or aspects that even we don’t like. As we hold onto our anger we don’t allow for this self-examination. In many cases, that which angers us in others is exactly what we are covering up in ourselves!
As I see it, there is what I call a “healthy anger” as opposed to an “unhealthy anger”. Healthy anger is feeling angry by choice (I grant that all emotions ultimately are chosen, as I often mention. For the sake of this analogy I am taking some license). For example, you witness an injustice and become angry since your belief system speaks to justice for all. Your motivation for feeling the anger is not toward a self-righteous indignation or a sense to overpower someone “because I can”. Your anger, in this scenario, most likely will result in action toward resolving the injustice, whereby all parties involved will be granted a sense of peace. As peace overtakes the anger one is willingly open to self-examination. While the unhealthy anger is that anger which I hold in a self-righteous manner with no motivation or intention toward a sense of peace or self-examination.
The person who practices mindfulness, meditation, and self-examination (the best they can) recognizes within them a sense of peace and peacefulness. Note that I don’t speak of the “feeling” of peace, rather, the sense of peace. Feelings, such as anger and happiness, are fleeting. They come and go. Having a sense of peace within is not fleeting. A sense of inner peace speaks to an awareness of the person and their environment. We can feel angry, happy, sad, etc,, while at the same time maintaining a sense of peace. Look to people such as Ghandi and Martin Luther King, Jr. I have no doubt they felt anger, that was part of their motivation as to why they acted. But a reason their actions were not violent, and their rhetoric was of love is that they had a sense of inner peace allowing them to feel anger, yet not allowing them to betray their beliefs through their actions.
When we feel emotions and act in unison with our core beliefs, not violating our true self, then we are at peace. We may feel anger or sadness at situations or even toward specific people, but in maintaining a union between those feelings and our actions to our core beliefs, we retain our sense of inner peace even as we struggle through the turmoil of our feelings.
Our challenge is not to stop feeling angry. Rather, our challenge is to learn how best to respond to anger. Here are my steps for using anger for the good:
- Prior to feeling angry, practice mindful meditation and spend time in self-examination.
- When you feel anger, find your inner peace to help change your perspective to understand the situation from everyone’s viewpoint.
- Take action in union with your core beliefs and which will ultimately lead to the spreading of peace to all involved.
- When the situation is over, refuse the urge to hold onto the anger. Let your inner peace over take the anger and allow yourself time to re-charge.
I agree that there is much in our world toward which to feel anger, and there are many places and people who do not have a sense of peace. Use the steps above to rise to the challenge of using your anger for the good.
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A Different Perspective on Addiction
{eds. note: This is a guest blog written by counselor Catherine McConnell. Click here for her website.}
Everyone knows that “drugs are bad, mmkay.” We’ve all heard it, “just say no,” “addiction is a disease,” and it has been glamorized for our entertainment in shows like “Intervention.” But what if it was more than that? What if I told you, that I can assist in treating addiction without EVER uttering a word about the drug?
I work with mandated Child Protective Services (CPS) cases and I see a lot of people who are forced to come to therapy. Some of them are ready to quit and some aren’t. Do you know what they all have in common? Pain. There is no addiction without pain. They come in expecting to be judged, to be told that drugs are bad and how they affect the body. They come in angry and looking for a fight. They want to tell me all the reasons they aren’t an awful human being (I agree with them there!). They’re often taken aback at my approach. I’m a little different. I listen… and then I ask “what are you running from?”
After getting over the initial shock of it all, they usually have the answer. They know EXACTLY what they’re running from, what sent them to addiction, and that it’s out of control. Many of them will tell me that they don’t even like getting high anymore but it’s what they know. They don’t need me to tell them what the drug does. They’ve heard it all and often know more than I do about it. They could teach me! Underneath the substance use are family patterns, abuse, others taking advantage of them, – pick a version. The universal human experience means pain to them. And then, they get stuck in addiction- More pain. So then, there’s a crossroads… which pain? An addict isn’t ready until the pain and consequences of addiction are worse than facing whatever demon has driven them mad.
I feel like we often treat addiction all wrong. We lecture. We intellectualize. I’m telling you: they knew drugs were bad when they picked them up. They didn’t mean to get here, but forgetting feels so good. To not be a victim for a moment, to not relive a happening, to not hear the abusive tapes of “you’re not good enough, you’ll never amount to anything, you’re nothing but a piece of trash addict” is so nice. To have peace, until the next fix. These souls are mistakenly chasing peace.
So, how do we help them? By giving them back their dignity. By understanding that they are a human in pain. By not lecturing, but listening. They don’t need our lectures and judgement they do that in spades themselves. By giving them the space to come in and saying “have a seat and stop running. Rest” we will reach them.
I am always honest. I say “this is going to hurt.” And you know what the response usually is? Not any more than what I’ve been through. And they’re right. They always tell me at the end how proud they are and that it wasn’t as awful as they thought it would be.
We’re doing it all wrong. There’s a place for lectures and accountability, but it needs to be balanced with humanity. If you really want to reach an addict, listen. Ask what they’re running from. They’ll tell you every time. It’s never about the drugs.
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Coping with the stress of the holidays
“All we have is the present moment. Focus on it; don’t miss an experience by living outside of the current moment.” – Chris Shea
This time of the year, between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day, is expected to typically be a time of joy, family gatherings, and the celebration of traditions. This is a time of the year when I reflect upon my childhood memories; memories filled with awe and wonder as the world seemed to be magical. Unfortunately, this time of the year is also one of increased stress due to all the activities we feel we need to do. Our wish to make this time of the year “perfect” increases our expectations, many of them unreasonable, causing us to overwork in our planning efforts.
“Preparing Christmas” Norman Rockwell
As a child I fondly recall watching the animated Christmas specials and reading all the Christmas books I could find. All of those stories not only have a positive ending, most of them depict a time of perfection. In these stories families gather and get along with each other, the house is majestically decorated, the dining room table set to rival the fanciest restaurant. My favorite American painter, Norman Rockwell, painted scenes of American life; some showing pain and suffering, others idyllic life scenes. Rockwell’s holiday paintings are among my favorite as they depict a world I wish existed, although knowing that a perfect world doesn’t exist.
This longing of mine, like the desire and longing of many other people, is part of the cause of our stress during the holiday season. We tend to focus our attention on the remembrances of the past, coupled with fictional idealisms of the holiday, producing a desire to re-create what never was, nor most likely ever will be. The holidays, as we perceived them in childhood, cannot now be exactly reproduced through the perceptions of us as adults, nor can we expect to create an experience depicted in the controlled environment of scripts, actors, and a stage.
The issue that I encounter this time of the year is one of unrealistic expectations. Trying to re-create a “perfection” which cannot be created means that we will fall short in our attempt. If I fall short, then I must have failed. That is the perception of many people, propelling them forth to not “fail”, while “failing” is exactly what will happen when we pursue perfection.
We do have control over our feelings and our current moment. Let’s not lose the experience of what is currently happening by living in either the past or the future. Experience the present moment for what it is. As I recall my childhood memories of the holidays, I try to keep them focused in the experience of the moment. Don’t let an expectation of perfection cloud the beauty of the memory and of the feeling that memory is now producing in you. Enjoy the memory and the feeling without trying to do anything with or to it. It is. You are. Live the moment without expectation and you will find that the stress of perfection will fade.
This holiday season, here are the steps I am working on to keep myself as stress free as possible:
- Refocus expectations: Take time to reflect on your expectations, considering what is realistic and what is not realistic. For example, we may want a house decorated as we’ve seen in advertisements, but, no matter how hard we try it never looks as it does in the picture. If you reframe your expectation and perception, you would recognize that you haven’t failed, actually you created something unique, something that reflects you, not an ad.
- Change our perception: Changing the way we perceive ourselves will change our perception of our world. Therefore, changing our view of this time of the year will change our expectations and so reduce our stress. For example, if you are hosting family, and the reality is that your uncle always makes a fool of himself at these family gatherings, keep your perspective focused on reality. Plan for what you can in expectation of your uncle’s shenanigans, for when your uncle acts as he always acts, don’t let it stress you; he is only doing as you expected him to do (and you previously planned for it). At least he’s consistent.
- Learn from your past: It’s important to spend time reflecting on our past, honoring the memories for what they are, and sharing them with current family and friends. Our past has shaped who we are today. Use the lessons of the past to create a present moment of peace. The purpose of the past is not to be recreated in the present, but to be incorporated with the present. Take what was positive for you in the past and use it in the present. What wasn’t positive for you in the past, modify now in the present to be more positive. Our past was not perfect; don’t expect the present or the future to be perfect either.
- Simplify your life: Easier said than done, I know. But if you think about it, our material goods, although useful, can be a source of our stress when our focus emphasizes our “things”. Living simply means keeping a proper focus, or perspective, on what is truly important in your life. Keep your expectations and perceptions rooted on who we are, not on who you think you should be.
During this holiday time of the year, take the time to enjoy the wonders, joy, and magic of the season. Keep your perspective and expectations reasonable to reduce your stress. Most importantly, focus on what is truly important to you!
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Time May Change But Live in the Moment
Many of us in the United States turned back the hands of time early this morning. We have ended the period of Daylight Savings Time and are now on “normal”, called “standard” time. Our ability to change time prompts a few questions for me, some mundane and some a bit more philosophical. But, to stay grounded I will refrain, for this post, from discussing the abstract philosophical notions of time. Rather, I would like to reflect on this day in two specific ways, namely, how do we take advantage of our “extra hour”, and, how do we turn back the hands of time in our own lives.
I am certain many of us have had life experiences for which we have wished we could turn back time to change the events. There are times that we wish we could have back to cherish again, to say something different, do something different, or to have never had happen in the first place. But, regardless of our ability to change clocks, we do not yet have the ability to go back in time. Hence our personal feelings of resentment, disappointment, anger, sorrow, etc. But, all is not lost. Even though we cannot go back in time to change the event, we still have the ability to change our current feelings about the event. In our reflection about past events, what can we learn from them? What steps can we take to avoid a future repeat? Do we have the opportunity to “make peace” with those from our past? If so, what is stopping us? We aren’t able to change the event, but we can change the present moment. How do I take advantage of the time I now have?
So, what do I do with the extra hour I am given? Do I use it wisely? Here are some thoughts for what we can do with our “extra” hour:
- Sleep. Rest is vital for a healthy mind, soul and body.
- Spend the hour in reflection on your past and what you plan to do with your future. Use the time for reflective journaling.
- Write to a friend or family member whom you have not recently contacted.
- Pray; read scripture.
- Do something you typically don’t have time to do. Take a walk, observe nature, read a book.
- Spend quality time with those whom you love.
I pray your extra hour is a positive one for you along your life’s journey.
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Rest Stop (Tues) … Tips for sleeping soundly
Based on my experience, there are two main reasons we have trouble sleeping: either because you are excited about something upcoming, or you are anxious about something upcoming. I can still vividly remember that night before we as a family were leaving for Washington, DC for the first time. I was a child then, and the thought of travelling all the way to where the president lives was almost overwhelming for me. I tossed and turned in bed; walked around my room, looked out my window into the dark, and before I knew it, I looked out my window to see the sun rising above the horizon. I finally fell asleep in the car during the over 8 hour drive to DC.
Personally, I suffered for many years on Sunday nights trying to get some sleep. I dreaded Sunday nights because as soon as I would lie down in bed for the night the worries and stress of the upcoming week flooded into my thoughts. I had not yet found the peace of living mindfully, and so I allowed the thoughts of the future to take over, believing the worst of what could happen come Monday morning at work. Note that I wasn’t worried about what was going to happen, but what I imagined would happen. These thoughts brought with them a sense of a loss of control as they are future thoughts, not present thoughts. Therefore, I would be tossing and turning, worrying about what had to be done, what I didn’t do, what I forgot to do; but most importantly, what I didn’t know I didn’t know.
In the last few years, as I’ve been working on living mindfully and in the present, I have learned some things which have helped me to no longer dread Sunday nights. I don’t have a nighttime ritual so to speak, but I have figured out a few things that have helped me to sleep peacefully, especially Sunday night.
Here are the tips I use:
- Prior to going to bed, make a list of the projects and tasks you need to do the next day. Make sure the list is no longer than 4 items and that each item is doable in the course of the day.
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Make a separate list of the things you will not have time to do the next day. Next to each item place a date when you will work on them.
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Write down a specific time during the next day when you will spend at least 10 minutes in quiet reflection/meditation. It could be a time for a walk or sitting in quiet. The time needs to be undisturbed and respected by you as important and necessary.
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When you do lay down to sleep, keep your room quiet and as dark as possible. Using white noise (there are many free and paid apps, message me for the ones I use) is helpful. Keeping the TV on or your phone’s screen on inhibit our ability to sleep soundly.
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Lay down in a comfortable position, take a deep breath, clear your mind, and focus on your breathing. Don’t try to control your breathing, just focus on your breathing. Note the breaths you take in, and the breaths you exhale.
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If intrusive thoughts enter your mind, remind yourself of your lists, telling yourself that you have taken care of tomorrow and that your present task is to sleep.
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Return your thoughts to focus on your breathing.
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Personally, when I lay in bed to sleep for the night, I start off by laying on my back with my left hand placed gently over my heart, and my right hand placed gently over my stomach, feeling my breaths and heartbeats.
These tips work for me. Take time to find what works for you, and when you find it, stick with it. Over time, with consistency, you will find yourself sleeping quickly and soundly.
… continue the conversation here or on social media …
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Rest Stop (Sat) Lessons from the twigs
Recently, a storm came through my area bringing with it gusty winds and heavy rain. Where I live storms are commonplace especially in the spring. That period immediately following a rainstorm is one of my favorite times to go outside. If you have never experienced nature immediately following a rainstorm I strongly suggest you give it a try. Personally, the air seems clearer and fresher, and there is a distinct smell of cleanliness permeating the air. It’s nature’s way of cleansing the Earth. When you do venture outside you will most probably notice debris on the ground consisting of dead twigs, branches and anything else that has fallen from the trees. Cleaning up after a strong storm is not typically a favorite pastime of mine, but recently when I was mowing the yard I noticed this pile of dead twigs which had fallen over the course of many storms. I took this picture as the positioning of the twigs gave me pause and a moment of reflection.
I wasn’t planning to reflect upon fallen tree limbs and twigs, but after noticing those branches and taking the picture I couldn’t help but to reflect on them as I continued to mow the lawn. The first thought that came to mind is that of the circle of life. I reflected on the purpose of those twigs and how those twigs perfectly performed the function they were meant to perform. These twigs grew as the result of the tree, gaining sustenance from both the tree and the land around it. These twigs not only took from the tree and land, they also contributed to the further growth of the tree by sprouting their leaves. Those leaves provided sustenance to the tree, shade for those who needed it, and precious air that we all need to live. But now those very twigs lay dead on the ground taken from the tree by wind and rain.
As I further reflected on the twigs I realized that even though they are now lying on the ground it wasn’t necessarily a sad moment, even though the twigs no longer brought light or shade or air. Nature not only washes herself clean, she is also a great recycler. Those twigs, although dead and lying on the ground, continue to bring forth life from the land. Those twigs will be food for some creatures while other creatures will break down those twigs into nutrients needed by the soil for new life to spring forth.
So, what have I learned from my reflection on the twigs?
- Periodically clean the clutter (the dead twigs) from your life. Discover in yourself those thoughts, actions, perceptions, etc. which do not bring you life but instead wear you down. Shake them free from you! Get rid of anything in your life which is not life-giving or supportive of your needs of happiness, growth and peace.
- Take the time to recognize your need to slow down and become mindful of your surroundings. Change your perspective to realize the good in a situation. I could’ve either not noticed the twigs, or become upset that I now had more work to do by needing to remove the twigs. Instead, I fortunately chose to pause and simply notice the twigs. In that act of noticing without judgement, I ended up learning from those twigs.
- Recognize that no matter your situation, you do have a purpose! Even though dead and plucked from great heights to now lay on the ground, those twigs continue to serve a purpose. Granted, the purpose has changed, and most likely not the purpose wanted by those twigs, but an essential purpose nonetheless. Discover and embrace your purpose in life!
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Rest Stop (Thurs) … The 4 Tips on How to Feel Successful
I use the above quote with my college students trying to challenge them to look at life, from a different perspective. In challenging our perspectives, and even our definitions, I am not merely playing semantics as I firmly believe that words actually do hold meaning. If you aren’t sure about the validity of that statement, think of the last time someone’s words either caused you joy or caused you pain. Words do have the power to affect our emotions, therefore, by challenging ourselves to look at our own definitions from a new perspective can change how we feel.
How I define success, or how success is defined for me, influences how I feel about myself. Many of us have culturally learned that success is defined by tangible goods and/or wealth. We hear expressions such as “If I have more things than someone else, I am successful”; or, “if I have a title or initials after my name, I am successful”. These cultural statements aside, I hope that people who have worked hard to accomplish what they feel is a level of success take pride in themselves. Yet, the question remains, does someone else’s level of success negate, or take away from, my perceived level of success? In other words, is one’s success defined in relation to another’s accomplishments?
For example, a person who works hard and deservedly obtains the position of CEO is perceived as reaching success in life. While another person who works hard, and is known to be the best plumber in town, although an employee of the company, not owner or partner, would we agree that that person also has attained success? What about the trash collector who strives to be the best collector there is; have they attained success? If we will agree that the people in these examples have attained success, would we also agree that each of them is as successful?
So why is it that many of us, although accomplished in what we do, continue to feel less successful than the person holding a higher position or making more money? I believe that one answer is due to our drive to challenge ourselves and to strive for excellence. These motives and qualities are positive, yet at the same time, they also perpetuate a self-told narrative that others are always better than I. Does this mean we shouldn’t strive for betterment? Of course we should strive to better ourselves, but not at the cost of sacrificing our core being or inner peace.
A quote attributed to the Catholic priest Fr. Joseph Martin (co-founder of Father Martin’s Ashley, now named Ashley Addiction Treatment) states “the good is the enemy of the best “. Striving to grow, mature and gain wisdom leads us to feelings of accomplishment and possibly even success. But that depends on our definition of success; ah I have just taken us back to the beginning of this article, yet not any closer to an answer than when you started reading.
Is there a definitive definition of success? Can we objectively apply one definition to everyone, or are we left with a subjective understanding of the concept of success? Personally, I believe it’s the latter. If the definition is subjective, then how I define success for my life is based partly on my perspective about my life.
Making this perspective shift requires us to look within ourselves to examine our motives for wanting to better ourselves and attain success. As mentioned above, the desire toward betterment is a positive notion and goal, yet it depends on my motivation. We need to ask ourselves “Why do I desire to be better?” Why do I strive for success, and how will I know success when I achieve it?” If my motivation toward betterment and success is based solely on the belief of “beating everyone else”, then I may be willing to compromise my core being and values to achieve that height of success, or else I may view myself as a failure. In this scenario, one’s success comes at a price. The idea of seeking betterment is not the issue; the motivation guiding you is what, in the end, causes one to gain everything, yet continue to feel empty and restless.
How can I change my motivation and perspective about success so that I may attain the best I can be and feel inner peace?
- Meditate: Take time each day, even just 10 or 20 minutes, and meditate. Either find a quiet location, or take a walk; whichever helps you best to focus. Now, focus on your breathing, not trying to control your breaths, just noticing them. Be aware of the air entering and the air leaving. Be aware of what you are feeling. Don’t judge the feeling, just notice it. Practice this daily and over time you notice that not only is the act of meditating becoming easier, but you yourself are feeling more at peace.
- Examine: Take time to reflect on what success means to you. Don’t judge your definition, simply define it. How does the definition make you feel? Does your definition match your core self and values? If not, ask yourself what you will need to change so as to create a match? Keep in mind that sacrificing who you are for temporal gain will not, in the long term, bring you to a state of inner peace.
- Confer: Take time to meet with family or close friends whom you trust to discuss your thoughts and feelings from numbers 1 and 2 above. Listen, without judgement, to their opinion. The next time you meditate, reflect on the feedback and your feelings concerning what you heard.
- Act: A saying I often repeat is “there are no problems, only solutions”. I don’t know who first said it, but it’s meaning motivates me to reframe my thinking and change my perspective from “problem-oriented” to “solution-oriented”. Creating a deep belief that solutions are possible, we will reach for success while maintaining a sense of inner peace.
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Rest Stop (Ash Wednesday) … letting go
Today, Christians around the world will receive ashes on their forehead as a reminder that we came from dust and will once again return to dust. Therefore, “Ash Wednesday” is a time to pause, reflect on our lives, and make plans to remove from our lives those aspects of ourselves which do not lead us closer to our God.
The practice of pruning our lives of those areas which are not healthy or which take us away from our inner-peace, produces a sense of humility as we realize that we are not perfect, but that we have the ability to learn from our imperfections. Letting go allows us to be true to ourselves, and open to the guidance of others.
There are people who exemplify humility, and for me, the ideal example comes from Saint Francis of Assisi. He was a wealthy son of a powerful merchant father, who, after gaining personal insight, gave up everything to live in poverty and to serve the poor in the spirit of Jesus. It wasn’t simply the giving up of everything that made Francis humble; it was his attitude and way of living. In the book “The Way of St. Francis: the Challenge of Franciscan Spirituality for Everyone“, author Murray Bodo, OFM writes:
In other words, living our lives focused on our values, and in a true sense of a love of neighbor, will keep us grounded (humble) and focused on our priorities (simplicity). Today’s closing prayer from the Liturgy of the Hours morning prayer nicely sums up what I am saying: “Change our selfishness into self-giving. Help us to embrace the world you have given us, that we may transform the darkness of its pain into life and joy.”
What can we do to help us attain humility and simplicity?
- Spend 10 minutes each day in quiet, focusing your thoughts on simple phrases and your breathing.
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Spend time watching and reflecting on the nature around you. Do you see the ant, flower, bird, leaf, dog, cat, etc. What are they doing?
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Make a list of your life’s priorities. Those items at the top of your list need your full attention. The rest, well, decide what is necessary and what is merely clutter in your life.
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Help others. Love your neighbor.
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