Posts Tagged ‘self-help’
How To Cultivate Self Love
To cultivate self love is such an important aspect for our health yet many of us either don’t think of loving ourselves or feel that we are unworthy of self love. To love is not an easy task yet we find it much easier to love others then to love ourselves. Why is this? I believe it’s because we know ourselves too well that we find it difficult to cultivate self love.
The idea of loving humanity is easy to grasp since we don’t have a personal relationship with all of humanity. I can feel a sense of love for the poor or those affected by natural disasters, because I don’t know them and therefore don’t know their flaws. Once we know a person’s flaws we judge them to decide who is worthy of our love and who is not.
Since we are aware of our own flaws many of us have judged ourselves unworthy of our love. We may even feel uncomfortable when others express their love for us, but we can let that go since we understand that they do not know us as well as we know ourselves. We may even tell ourselves that if they did know us as we know ourselves they would never express a desire to love us.
Yet, if we are seeking to find our inner peace, or at least a sense of happiness in life, it is vital that we learn to love ourselves. Not only do we get in the way of ourselves, modern society does not mirror for us what a healthy self love is. Much of society relies on a notion of love based on what we have, or who we have, or on our wants and desires. A healthy self love is focused on growth, caring, and an enduring desire to be the best person that one can be.
When I speak of cultivating self-love I am not speaking of love as a theoretical concept, but an understanding of love as a true belief. In order to find happiness and inner peace we need to honestly believe that we are not only worthy of self love but that we actually do love ourselves. Self love is focused on who we truly are, accepting ourselves for all the good and all the areas in which we need to grow. Unconditional self love accepts our flaws, guiding us to constantly seek personal growth and Improvement. We do not see our flaws as a hindrance to our growth but as the impetus to strive to be the best person we can be.
To cultivate self-love is a process which takes time, but in the end the results are amazing! Here are 10 things I suggest to my clients that they do, on a daily basis, to help cultivate self love and grow into a true feeling of inner peace:
- Practice mindfulness. What I mean by mindfulness is that we focus our thoughts on the present moment allowing ourselves to fully experience what we see and feel in each moment of our life. Mindfulness is a way to slow ourselves so that we can appreciate the little things in life which can pass us by. It is through this process of slowing down that we can more fully understand who we are, our place in the world, and what we need to do to grow in a healthy emotional and mental state.
- As we reflect on ourselves we begin to differentiate between our wants and our needs. Too much focus on our wants prevents us from finding inner peace since we will never achieve or accumulate all of our continuous wants. Focusing on our needs, and finding creative ways to satisfy those needs, leads us to inner peace for we become fulfilled and empowered through our achievements.
- Forgiveness is an important aspect of love since we can’t love another and not ever have the need to forgive them. Just as we would forgive another for something they have done, we also need to forgive ourselves for all that we have done. Forgiveness, freely given, frees us to move on knowing that the wrong we have done no longer weighs us down. None of us are immune to doing things which will need to be forgiven, that’s part of being human. The issue is not in doing things which require forgiveness, the issue is in what we learn from what we have done. It is not productive to focus on our flaws but it is productive to compassionately forgive ourselves, learn from our wrongs, and so grow in wisdom.
- The main difference between a victim and a survivor is that the survivor has created options and is taking action. As we strive to cultivate self love we need to take action steps in making the changes in our lives which allow us to grow. As has been said, love is an action not a noun. Determine what actions you need to take, moving forward to making those actions a reality.
- One of the ways in which we can grow is in challenging ourselves to accomplish things which we never felt were achievable. I’m not suggesting that we all need to climb Mount Everest, but I am suggesting that all of us find those aspects of our lives which we feel challenged by and rise to that challenge. The wisdom and the knowledge gained as we reach new heights will empower us to feel worthy of loving ourselves.
- In helping others we help ourselves. There is a lot of truth in this statement for when we challenge ourselves to give of ourselves for another we gain a deeper sense of what love in action is all about. The help and love that we give to others is returned to us. This is not simply a cute statement but a reality which I have found lived in my own experience. If you want to love yourself you need to find the strength to love and help others to love themselves.
- Letting go of what we can’t control in life leads us to a deeper sense of peace and self-love. Changing those areas of our life in which we have control to change enables us to grow, while letting go of those things which we can’t control relieves our stress and anxiety as we no longer struggle with what we will never accomplish.
- Focus your action steps on reasonable expectations and outcomes. The feeling of stress and anxiety keeps us from feeling peace and self-love. Having unreasonable expectations which are never met not only increases our anxiety but can teach us that we are worthless as we can’t seem to accomplish or reach our expectations. Yet the reason we cannot achieve those expectations has nothing to do with self-worth but has everything to do with unreasonable expectations. Practice placing reasonable expectations and you will find the outcomes will follow.
- I am pleased to see many recent articles talking about the need and importance for simplifying one’s life. As we gather more material goods and keep ourselves busy to make it look good for others we find that we are more stressful and anxious than ever. It’s reasonable to think that the more we simplify our life, downsize, get rid of material possessions, and be active in those areas which are important to our growth, will reduce our anxiety and open us up to be receptive of the self-love and inner peace we desire.
- Be passionate about all you do and you will receive much joy and satisfaction from life. Whether it be your job, family, or hobbies being passionate about life will make you feel more worthy of the self love which you desire.
To cultivate self love is a process involving many aspects of our lives. We must truly believe that we are worthy of self love and take action in helping others. Mirror that love which we so desire in our own life. In the way that we love other people, are compassionate, and forgiving, so too we need to be all of those things for ourselves. Treat yourself as you treat others and you will find self love and inner peace.
{loadmodule mod_custom,continue the conversation here or on social media}
6 Tips For Practicing Mindfulness When Upset
In an instant life can become hectic and chaotic. Just when we think we have life all figured out, and our path forward appears to be straight; adversity happens! All the talk of mindfulness, living in the moment, and meditation seem to fall short in light of the adversity and chaotic realities of life.
Platitudes are not my message. My life has had its share of ups and downs so I will not trivialize the impact adversity plays on a person’s thoughts and feelings. My message relies on my own experience of mindfulness and it’s ability to lead us to finding and living with inner peace, regardless of what life may throw at us.
Mindfulness is a word I often use in my writings and in my life coaching sessions with my clients. One of the pioneers in the mindfulness movement, Jon Kabat-Zinn, defines mindfulness as: “a means of paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.”
The two phrases in this definition which I focus on are “on purpose” and “nonjudgmentally”. To find and maintain inner peace we need to consciously make the choice to spend time every day focusing our attention on what is happening around and within us. Our focus is not meant to judge what is happening, but to notice it. As we become aware of our surroundings and our inner self, we become aware of life’s joys and potential, along with life’s sorrows and adversities. In this state of focused awareness, we are enabled to see solutions; to see hope.
Although it’s important to learn mindfulness before life throws its adversities upon you, mindfulness is not a practice which avoids or negates the negatives in life. We need mindfulness regardless of how we are feeling about ourselves and our situations. In fact, I would say that we need mindfulness even moreso during times of difficulties in our life.
Western society tends to devalue pain and suffering leaving us with the false sense that we can avoid all pain and suffering in life. Speaking from my own experience, and I’m sure you can relate, I have yet to find a way of living life which avoids all pain and suffering. Therefore, society provides us with a false hope, and increases our stress and anxiety when we fail to achieve a life without pain or suffering. The Buddha, in laying out the Four Noble Truths indicated that the principle cause of suffering is desire. In this case, the desire is to avoid all pain and suffering.
Mindfulness is a practice which teaches us how to live and cope with the joys, pains, and suffering we endure. We do not negate anything in life, rather we non-judgmentally accept what is happening and learn the best ways of coping.
Here are my six tips for practicing mindfulness when upset:
- Acknowledge that the emotion you are feeling exists. We do not want to ignore or deny any of our feelings and emotions. What we feel is what we feel. Spend time in quiet simply acknowledging what you are feeling and sit with that feeling. We do not judge the feeling as either good or bad, we simply acknowledge and name what we are feeling.
- The next step is similar to the first step of acknowledgement. In the second step we accept what we are feeling. We do not beat ourselves up that we are feeling this way, nor do we attempt to change how we are feeling. We accept that what we are feeling is our reality. A phrase which needs to be removed from our mind and speech is “ I shouldn’t feel this way.” This phrase creates anxiety since we are scolding ourselves for the reality in which we find ourselves. Who are we to say what we should or shouldn’t be feeling when the reality is we are feeling it! Right or wrong is not the issue, what is happening in the moment is what’s important. Accept how you feel in the moment and understand that this feeling is a part of you. For example, if you were feeling extremely joyful would you question that you shouldn’t be feeling that way? Of course not! So why do we judge any other feeling besides those which we say are positive?
- Once we acknowledge and accept the feelings as they are, we move to the next step of understanding that emotions are fleeting. Emotions come and go, sometimes quickly sometimes slowly, but feelings do not last forever. Therefore, experience your feelings in all of their intensity recognizing that you will never again feel this exact same way. Feelings, in their exactness, cannot be felt again. Sit long enough with your feelings and you may find that they pass during your sitting. When I worked with people struggling from cravings while trying to live in recovery from their addiction, I would ask them to sit and either look at a stopwatch as the time passed, reminding themselves that they are still in recovery, or I would refocus their attention to anything other than the craving. As a behaviorist I understand that most cravings, and even feelings, when not encouraged only last about 15 or 20 minutes.
- Investigate, within yourself, where these emotions and feelings originate. We don’t ask “why” we are feeling these emotions for the answer only leads down the path of judgement. Understanding where the feelings are coming from begins the process of learning what we are to do with the emotions. It’s not a matter of understanding why, but of understanding “what”. The answer to “what” enables us to learn and grow whereas the why simply gives us information which may or may not be helpful to our taking action. Mindfulness and meditation is not just an intellectual act, it’s a process which enables us to learn about ourselves and how we can act in a way that maintains our inner peace.
- As we examine our emotions avoid the urge to catastrophize the possible outcomes. Our mind is an imaginative storyteller, yet these stories tend to make the situations worse than reality. it’s important for us to keep focused on realistic outcomes for the future rather than imagining outcomes way worse than might be possible. A technique you can use is to ask yourself the question “what is the worst that can happen?” Then ask yourself the question “if the worst does happen what can I do about it?” Consider all the possible actions that you, and with the assistance from others, can do to cope with even the worst case scenario. Understanding that the worst case scenario is probably not going to happen, if you have a plan for the worst case then when reality happens and it’s not as bad as what you imagined you will find peace in knowing that you can cope with the situation.
- The last tip for practicing mindfulness when upset is to learn from the situation. After following steps 1 through 5 you now have the ability to step back from the situation and reflect on what you have learned from what has happened. Learn from the actions that you took which worked and learn from the actions which you took that didn’t work. Learning where our emotions originate and how best to cope with those emotions gives us the power to tackle the same situations in similar ways. Future adversity will no longer be a stressor for us since we have learned that we not only can survive the adversity but what we also can do to minimize future adversity.
Practicing mindfulness when upset empowers us to act and to cope with situations which we may feel we are unable to handle. Mindfulness does not take away negativity in our lives, rather mindfulness teaches us the power that we have within to handle and survive whatever life may throw at us.
{loadmodule mod_custom,continue the conversation here or on social media}
Taking Time For Me Is Important And Possible
Taking care of oneself is key to finding inner peace, yet most of us don’t take the time to care for ourselves. Why is this? Most of us would probably respond that we don’t have the time, or that we feel selfish if we were to do things for yourself. Many of us put others’ needs ahead of our own, which is noble, but who is caring for you? If you are the one caring for others, who is the one caring for you?
Why is self care so important? What if I were to tell you that the “answer” to finding happiness and inner peace is spending time daily in self-care? It’s true, and that’s why self care is so important. We all have valid demands for our time, but the reasons we use to not care for ourselves are also excuses.
If we are being brutally honest with ourselves we would admit that we make time for what is valuable to us. Honestly, many of us simply don’t value self-care as much as we say we do. I talk about the importance of attending the gym, but I don’t attend since I “dont have the time.” But, take today for example, I could have woke up a bit earlier, moved some appointments around, done some of what I did this morning last night instead, etc. The reality is, the gym, although I know it’s important, is not of value to me at this time.
I’m proposing that we get creative with our daily schedule so that we can fit in self care. How do we do this?
- Evaluate what is valuable to you.
- Review your daily schedule in light of step 1 above.
- Redo your daily schedule to “create” the time for yourself.
- Tell another person of your plan so that you have support and encouragement.
- Do this every day.
Now that self care is of value and we have found a space for it on our daily schedule, let’s talk concretely about what we can do with our new-found time. Many of my clients share that even if they had the time for self care, they wouldn’t know what to do with that time. Sound familiar?
Since we convince ourselves that we don’t have the time for self care, many of us don’t think about what we would do if we did have the time. As you consider what you can do for self care, think small. You don’t have to do something big as anything you do toward self care will work.
Here are some of the things that I do for self care:
- I take a 10 or 20 minute “power” nap most afternoons to recharge and to slow down.
- I read a few pages from a fiction or nonfiction book, or a spiritual publication to gain insight.
- I take a meditative and mindful walk whether I’m at home in the fields and woods, or travelling in a major city.
- I make the time to meditate. If I don’t have the ability to sit in quiet, I will use the moments I do have, such while driving or walking.
- Finding hobbies which I enjoy and that stimulate me, and which have nothing to do with my everyday profession (the later statement is most important).
I know of many people, myself included, who follow these steps but then feel guilty for taking the time for themselves. We need to re-frame that guilt feeling and change our perspective on the importance of self care. When you truly value the importance of self care, the feeling of guilt will go away. Since you now believe in the necessity of self care, there is no reason for guilt. I learned the importance and the value of self care on a flight out west.
Prior to take off, the flight attendants give their safety briefing; how to fasten the seat belt, how the seat transforms into a flotation device suitable for the ocean, and what to do if you lose cabin pressure. I, like most frequent travellers, tune out the briefing. But, on this flight, for no particular reason, the instructions on using the face mask was significant to me. The flight attendant stated something to the effect that if you are travelling with small children, first secure your mask before assisting your child. No way!! How am I supposed to be ok with giving myself life saving oxygen while my child struggles to breathe? Not happening!
But then I had an aha moment. If the masks drop from the ceiling most of the passengers, especially the children, will be upset. It may be a struggle to secure their mask in the frenzy of the moment, and the odds of getting it right the first time is slim as I’m sure I too would be scared and anxious. In the time that it takes to struggle with the child’s mask, what if I pass out? If I pass out prior to securing their mask, then we both are in trouble! I’m no assistance to my child. But, if I secure my mask first it won’t matter how long it takes to help my child since I’m now capable of breathing.
This safety briefing changed my perception on the importance of self care. If I am not capable of providing help, then no one gets help. Taking care of myself allows me the strength and insight to not only learn more deeply about myself, but also the ability to help others.
Self care is necessary, and the key, to finding my inner peace. The more I learn about myself the more capable I am of coming to terms with myself. This union of self is the inner peace we seek.
{loadmodule mod_custom,continue the conversation here or on social media}
5 Tips on How Mindfulness Will Change Your Life
“Hey, did you see that?”
“No, I missed it. What was it?”
Does this conversation sound familiar? It sure does to me. My days were so busy and hectic that I had no time to care to notice something other than the task hand. At the end of each day I wondered where the day went! I had always lived that way, until recently.
A few years ago I changed jobs to one which allowed me to have the summer off. After 20 years of working year round, having a few months off was strange, and even unsettling. After a week without I had no idea what to do with myself. I was ”forced” to slow down. It wasn’t comfortable at first, but over time I started to discover that I was physically, mentally, and spiritually slowing down. As I was slowing down I found myself feeling more peaceful. As the summer progressed I no longer was anxious, I didn’t rush, and I began to notice the world around me.
I wasn’t yet consciously aware of this, but I was beginning to live mindfully. As I slowed myself I focused my thoughts and attention to the present moment. No longer was I dwelling on my past nor anxious about the future. Wow! What a change for me as previously I was the king of anxiety and worry!
Mindfulness is commonly defined as: “a means of paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” (Jon Kabat-Zinn) Personally, the two key phrases in this definition which I feel are important are “on purpose” and “nonjudgmentally”. To find our inner-peace we need to consciously make the choice to spend time every day focusing our attention on what is happening around us and within us. Our focus is not meant to judge what is happening, just to notice it, to experience it. As we become aware of our surroundings and inner self, we become aware of life’s joys and potential. In this state of focused awareness, we are enabled to see solutions; to see hope.
The goal of mindfulness is for us to slow down enough to fully experience life. Mindfulness is not a means to avoid negative aspects of life, but to fully live those experiences to learn how to cope with them in a healthy way. Many of us try to avoid negativity, yet discover that we may be successful at avoidance for a time, yet once again we are hit with that which we were avoiding. Mindfulness asks us to be aware of all of our emotions, to feel everything, even the negativity. In so doing, we end up coping with what we at first wanted to avoid. Coping teaches us skills for dealing with future negativity in our lives.
Living mindfully is a daily practice of noticing the little things. For example, one can eat mindfully by doing so intentionally, savoring each bite, and not rushing through a meal without truly tasting the food. During your commute, or rushing from one task to another, one can mindfully (intentionally) notice the details of the flora, buildings, people, cracks in the sidewalk, etc.
How does mindfulness lead us to feeling peaceful? The short answer: mindfulness guides us to live in the moment, for it is only in the moment where we have “control” in our lives. By control, I mean our ability to change our thoughts and perceptions. If I allow my thoughts to stay in either the past or the future, I will suffer from stress and anxiety since I have no control over those time periods. All that I can do with the past is to learn lessons; in the future, all I can do is prepare, in the moment, for the unknown which has yet to happen. Therefore, keeping my thoughts focused on the present moment allows me to feel life to its fullest, while choosing the thoughts I wish to think.
A bit over 5 years later I now find myself living in a sense of peace. Does this mean that my life is now perfect? Not at all! What it does mean is that through mindfulness I learned a new set of coping skills. This is what I’ve learned since that summer:
- Spend time each day in meditation, whether it be in stillness or walking. Just 10-20 minutes a day will calm and center you.
- Each time my thoughts venture to either the past or the future, I consciously change my thoughts to the present moment.
- Spend time noticing the little things in life. Observe your surroundings, your feelings and your thoughts.
- If you notice that you don’t like how you feel, our you are not feeling at peace, change your perspective and redo numbers 1-3 above.
- Always believe in hope, even if you don’t feel hopeful at the moment. Hope and change is possible even without my belief in it.
Inner-peace is attainable if we take the time to focus our thoughts on the present moment. It takes practice; I’m still working on it. But if you have the desire to incorporate mindfulness into your daily practice, follow this maxim: “Progress, not perfection.” (Eds. Note: This article was originally published at Your Tango. Reprinted with permission from the author.)
{loadmodule mod_custom,continue the conversation here or on social media}
autumn: learning from change
Fall scene in MA (credit: Blog author)
Way back in the 1980’s I took this photo while I lived in a small town in western Massachusetts. Most people I know tend to get excited, perk up, prepare for, and are encouraged as Spring moves into Summer. Not that I don’t like Summer, but for me, I do the same preparations for the beginning of Autumn. I must say, Autumn is by far my most favorite season (with Winter a close second). And now here we are, the first day of Autumn (officially starting at 10:21 am EDT)!
As far back as I can remember I have enjoyed Autumn. Growing up in the northern reaches of the US I am used to the colder seasons, probably part of the reason for my enjoyment of Autumn. Of all the seasons I find this one to be especially focused on family and God. During this season there are holidays, gatherings and the beginning of school. Halloween and Thanksgiving are near with Christmas not too far away. The cooler weather draws us closer together as we huddle indoors, and as we do so I hope we recognize the presence of God in our lives and those of our loved-ones.
For many, this is a season of desolation with the greenery dying off and the days shorter. But, as we look around we can see much color, hear the sounds of the leaves beneath our feet, and smell the cornucopia of scents invading our nostrils. This may be a time of decay, but in the transition of the season we are given a most wonderful and beautiful gift; the gift of change. It is, hopefully, a gift to inspire us. For me, I see beauty before I see the decay and desolation. There is also a beauty in the recognition that after this time of desolation will come another season of rebirth and new growth. This season is not the end, but only the beginning. This season represents change, and in the process of change we feel the pain before the joy. We may now be experiencing a decay and desolation, but it is all a part of the circle of life, for the trees will reproduce their leaves and the fallen leaves will provide fertilizer enabling the new growth of plants in the Spring. This is a season of preparation, yet in this time of preparation there is also its own beauty.
Change is never easy, and as I have blogged about in the past (click here to find previous posts) it is necessary to remember that change, although different, doesn’t have to be negative. The process may be painful, but if we focus on the result we see that for which we long. As we see the leaves fall we are assured there will be Spring followed by Summer. The cycle of life; mirroring the cycles of our lives.
Here are a few suggestions I have come up with to help in this time of transition:
- Recall the memories of this past Summer. Cherish your experiences from the past season.
- Acknowledge, don’t try to hide, the past with its pleasures, hurts, and expectations.
- Spend a few moments in quiet prayer being thankful for all we have and asking for guidance and strength to make it through this new season.
- Anticipate the future in this new season. Prepare for what you can control; plan for what you can’t (see previous blog posts on this topic).
- Experience this season of Autumn through the eyes of a child – you will be surprised at the insights.
In all things, try to cherish the moment at hand.
{loadmodule mod_custom,continue the conversation here or on social media}
learning life lessons from Olympians
Have you, like me, ever dreamt of becoming an Olympic athlete? As I watch the current Olympic Games the talents of the athletes never cease to amaze me! Knowing that I will never be a member of an Olympic team, yet I realize that I can still learn much from these Olympic champions. Their example of persistence and training encourages me to do the same in my daily life.
Jim Ochowicz, who competed in the 1972 Olympic Games and coached the 2000 and 2004 USA Olympic men’s professional road racing team, said in a 2008 Forbes interview: “People don’t know the process which [athletes] undertake in their individual sports to reach the Olympic level. You get there by sticking it out. There [are] a lot of people that try and give up.” This quote inspires me!
In life, here is what we can learn from Olympic athletes so that we can achieve greatness in our personal lives:
- Focus on what matters. One key principle every successful athlete learns early on in their career is to stay focused on the task. In training, practice, and on the field, focus on one’s task and goal takes precedence above all else. For us to achieve success in life, we too need to maintain our focus on what matters most. We need to prioritize our goals and keep up our focus on achieving those goals. Not unlike an athlete, we will train, practice, and stay focused on our life’s goals.
- Determination. I feel that the secret to being determined is in doing something that you love and are passionate about. Think of the amount of hours, every day, an athlete gives to training and practicing their sport. Could they keep up that level of consistency and determination if they disliked their sport? Of course not. Find your passion and make it work for you. It may be a risk, but it’s a risk worth taking.
- Practice daily. As a counselor who studies behavior, I know the importance of repetition. If you can do the same behavior every day for at least one month, you will notice that the new behavior becomes an unconscious routine.
- Coaching. Who makes an athlete into the best they can be? Their coach! Who supports and challenges you? Find someone in whom you trust to be your confidant and coach. Let them guide you, challenge you and support you.
- Take care of yourself. Olympic athletes follow more people other than their sporting coach. Athletes have nutritionists, counselors, medical professionals, spiritual guides, etc. A great athlete understands that they need to keep up health in all aspects of their lives, as do we. It’s necessary then for us to make the time for relaxation, meditation, exercise, eating healthy and feeling healthy.
Katrina Radke, an Olympian swimmer who placed fifth in the 1988 Olympics has said: “If we focus on doing what makes us feel good, we can commit to it more easily. Once we get in the habit of ‘showing up’, we can have more chances of fully engaging our full self into the activity. In this place, I experienced much bliss.” There is nothing stopping us from becoming Olympic champions in our daily lives, except for our attitudes. Live like an Olympian and you will become one.
{loadmodule mod_custom,continue the conversation here or on social media}
Kids Teach Us How to Find Peace
Have you ever thought to yourself: “I’m on a round object which is spinning and flying through space.” A few evenings ago as I was sitting outside reflecting on life, I noticed the movement of the stars and constellations over the hours I was outside. Then a thought hit me; we’re moving! I was sitting in the same spot in my yard, and I know that stars don’t move, yet they seemingly were moving. The constellations weren’t in the same spot they were when I first sat down as they were a few hours later. Of course I know, intellectually, that the stars aren’t moving, although I have never reflected on the implication that if the stars aren’t moving, yet they seem to be moving, then it must be me who is moving, even though I am sitting in the same spot! “I’m on a round object which is spinning and flying through space.”
According to my research, the earth is spinning, at the equator, at a speed of roughly 1,000mph! While at the same time that we are spinning, we are moving forward at an estimated speed of 67,000mph! At all times, no matter what we are doing (like reading this article), the ground below us is spinning and moving forward at a rapid speed. We are on a giant ball which is spinning and moving through space! When was the last time you thought about that?
As I was contemplating the fact that I am riding upon a giant moving ball, my mind wandered to the tea cups amusement ride. As a kid I used to love that ride! As the cups moved along the track you could independently spin your cup as fast as you wanted. Now, as an adult, spinning in that way is not so much fun for me. Not that the ride scares me, but in that my body no longer handles the fast spinning motion. As I’m contemplating the celestial bodies and the movement of the earth, I realized that like an amusement ride, our ride through life is quite similar.
A child at an amusement park tends to enjoy most of the rides, and the scarier the ride the better; the more the ride made your stomach turn the better; the faster the better. As we age, those experiences no longer excite us as we tend to avoid those areas in life which seem to be scary, stomach-turning, and too fast. Rather, as adults we tend to look for experiences which are predictable, safe, and slow (I’m not talking about pace, I’m talking about challenges). What happens to us as we age which causes this change in attitude?
Let’s take a moment to think about some of the endearing qualities we find in children. Generally, they tend to be:
- Curious
- Adventurous
- Risk-takers
- Live in the moment
- Play
- Nap
- Creative
- Ask questions when they don’t know
Now, take a moment to recall that you once had these qualities. Some of us in adulthood still have these qualities, but generally speaking, we lost many of these qualities as we aged. As I reflect on myself, I realize that I lost these qualities as I came to understand that adult society, in general, frowned upon these child-like qualities. Like it or not, if I wanted to be accepted as an adult, I had to “act” like an adult. Or, at least, in the way society presented adulthood.
Children are usually happy and free because they don’t yet understand societal conventions, so they live their life in the present moment. I am not implying that we need to give up societal conventions and so do whatever we want as that could lead to chaos (or to a peaceful planet. Hmmm). What I am suggesting is that we remember what made us happy and peaceful as a child, and now as an adult find a way to bring back that feeling.
Let’s reflect on the list above from the eyes of an adult:
- Curious: Take the time to slow down to notice the world around you. Look at your world from a new perspective, similar to my reflection that we are living on a spinning moving ball. What does your curiosity say about you? What can you learn from your curiosity?
- Adventurous: When was the last time you took a risk? What stops you from taking a risk? I’m not advising you do anything dangerous, but try something outside of your comfort zone, or something completely different from what you typically would do. Afterward, reflect on what you learned from the experience.
- Risk-takers: Similar to my caveat above, I am not suggesting you try anything dangerous or damaging, but when was the last time you acted without thinking it through or planning the action? What about spontaneously taking a day trip or surprising someone with a visit.
- Live in the moment: Honestly, it is my experience with children wherein I learned about the peace you feel when living in the moment. I spent a several years as a chaplain at a children’s hospital, and regardless of the outcome from the child’s condition, they chose to live in the moment instead of dwelling on the future. Children who were dying, and knew what that meant, would say to me that dying will happen later and invite me to play with them. It was myself and the family of the child who dwelt on future thoughts of losing the child, all the while missing the opportunity in the present to enjoy time with the child.
- Play: What is the purpose of play time? To have fun, relax, be creative, learn skills, socialize, etc. Find opportunities which will result in those qualities being realized.
- Nap: Mexico, Costa Rica, Ecuador, Spain, Italy, Greece, the Philippines and Nigeria all take siestas, or naps in the afternoon. Maybe we need to find their wisdom and do like-wise. If you aren’t able to take a nap, can you find 10 minutes to close your eyes, or 10 minutes to walk around your office, building, etc. Just 10 minutes away from the stress and busyness of the day will refresh you mentally and emotionally.
- Creative: In his TED talk, Sir Ken Robinson shared a story about a young child who was coloring. The teacher asked the child what she was drawing, and the child replied “a picture of God.” The teacher said “but no one knows what God looks like.” The child replied “they will in a minute.”
- Ask questions when they don’t know: Many years ago, when starting my first teaching experience in a high school, I was given this advice: ‘if you don’t know the answer to one of their questions, make it up. They won’t know the difference and you won’t look stupid.’ Even as a novice teacher in my early twenties I understood how wrong that piece of advice was. How is it that when we reach adulthood we are expected to suddenly know the answer to all questions about everything? Yet, in the workplace, how often have many of us made up an answer so as not to look stupid among our colleagues? I have. But doing so tends to cause us stress, yet a child who asks when they don’t know doesn’t feel stress because they are being honest in their not knowing.
I challenge you to join me tonight watching the stars. As you do, reflect upon your ride of life and on the ride on our ball through space. Do we fear the ride or avoid it? Are we willing to raise up our hands and scream or grab the person next to us? Can we simply let ourselves enjoy the ride?
Ed note: This article was originally published by me at Your Tango. Reprinted with my permission.
{loadmodule mod_custom,continue the conversation here or on social media}
coping with anxiety; a personal story
Ed note: I am pleased to present this post from guest blogger Ms. Amanda LePore.
I have anxiety. It runs in my family, so I should have expected it (thanks a lot, genes!). Growing up, I felt that I wasn’t completely “normal.” (insert all the jokes about me being an “awkward weirdo” here) I mean, don’t get me wrong, I had a great childhood with a loving family, great friends, etc., but I noticed that I would act a bit differently than my friends. I was a “goody-two-shoes,” but to the point where I would cry and it would be a huge deal when someone was mad at me or I got in trouble. In hindsight, I had a lot of guilt over things that now I realize weren’t that big of a deal. One memory is from 2nd grade when I told my friend that a lunch lady was fat and having that friend go and tattle on me… then I needing help getting my shoes tied and the only person available was the one I had insulted. I felt like such an awful person (this was one of the things I confessed at my first Holy Communion… Yeah, like I said, didn’t get in trouble often).
I was also a bit of a perfectionist, especially when it came to school. I would cry when I came home with a bad grade. I was a pretty sensitive child, I guess. But the thing is… I wasn’t forced to be a certain way. My parents expected me to try my best and work hard, but I wasn’t punished when I got a low score on a test or assignment. I was just encouraged to improve however possible.
Once adulthood hit, the feelings started getting harder to handle. I was quick to have a temper, I had little to no patience, I was pretty emotional and on top of all that, I was starting to have physical panic attacks; shakiness, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, etc. It was then I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). I tried various medications, which either made me feel numb to the world or just did nothing for me. I went to therapy for a few sessions, which I feel did not personally help because I already would blab about my problems to anyone that would listen. But the anxiety was starting to affect the relationships in my life, so I had to figure out something.
Early in 2014 I was going on my first trip abroad (first time on a plane, too) to London on a college trip for 10 days. I loved this trip but there was one major thing about the trip I would’ve changed; that I wasted hundreds of dollars because I had a massive panic attack before seeing a show on West End with my friends. What was the reason for my panic attack? To this day I don’t know exactly what set it off. The caffeine from my Starbucks drink? The temperature of the theatre making me feel sick? The feeling of suffering alone while my friends were all in the show? I’m not sure. All I know is that I had to go to the first aid station and explain to the guy working there that I was losing feeling in my pinkies and I thought I was going to pass out and vomit at the same time. He explained that there were no diseases or conditions that would be causing that and that it must be an anxiety attack. I had never had one before in my life! I was brought to a VIP section where I had my own private bathroom and couch set-up, but I wasn’t able to watch the show. It was embarrassing and upsetting. I felt so terrible, both physically and mentally.
That was one of the moments that forced me to get my anxiety under control. I chose to make lifestyle changes. I started running and trying to eat better, yet I still had almost daily nausea and just a terrible feeling all the time. I got a blood test that came back completely normal. I knew there was nothing else wrong; it was truly my anxiety wreaking all this havoc on my body and mind. I decided to try a different kind of medication, Prozac. I am now on the lowest dosage and I honestly feel that it’s working well. I rarely feel sick and I’m learning how to cope and handle my anxiety in a healthy way. Honestly, I’m sad I didn’t find this medication sooner and I am pretty grateful for having it now.
I do not have shame for having anxiety. Everyone has something they have to work through with themselves. Just because it may be “in your head” doesn’t mean it’s not real. This is my personal story with anxiety. Everyone is different. Do not give up! Sometimes the needed change requires a mix of lifestyle changes, medication and/or therapy.
————————————————————————————————
The author of this post is Ms. Amanda LePore, the “voice” of Lifesjourney Life Coaching and On Finding Peace podcast. She is a 23-year-old actress, model, voiceover artist and radio host. She was born and raised on Long Island, NY, relocating to the Southern Maryland area in 2006. She holds a bachelor’s degree in theatre with minors in film, media studies, dance, and English. Check out her blog page at astheamandaturns.wordpress.com and website at www.msamandalepore.com. Her business email is msamandalepore@gmail.com.
{loadmodule mod_custom,continue the conversation here or on social media}
5 tips for knowing when to unfollow someone
The intensely heated political season in the US is leading people to unfollow others from their social media sites. It’s not just strangers they are unfollowing, either. I know of friends of mine who are unfollowing long-term friends, and, in one case, unfollowed a family member due to the political postings and comments they make on social media. Social media allows for a sense of anonymity, or, at least, a physical distance from the person with whom you are communicating, allowing people to feel more open and safe to engage in interactions which eventually lead others to unfollow them.
But what about in “real” life, as opposed to social media? There are people with whom we interact, whether it be at work, school, social circles, or even family members, whom we need to “unfollow” for our own mental well being. In a Forbes article (10 Toxic People You Should Avoid At All Costs) author Travis Bradberry writes: “Recent research from Friedrich Schiller University in Germany shows just how serious toxic people are. They found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions—the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with toxic people—caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response.” A toxic person is that person in our life who seems to suck the life out of us. Through their behaviors they create or live in constant drama, are needy, don’t respect boundaries, are critical of others, manipulative and judgemental. It’s important to note that I am not saying that the person themself is toxic, but that their behaviors are toxic. This is an important distinction as I am not labelling a person.
In my clinical practice I find that toxic people tend to suffer from at least one personality disorder. A personality disorder is defined as “long-term patterns of thoughts and behaviors that are unhealthy and inflexible. The behaviors cause serious problems with relationships and work.” Personality disorders begin in childhood continuing into adulthood. They are treatable with psychological intervention and behavior change work, as long as the person is willing to do the work needed to change their thoughts and behaviors to those which are healthy.
Albeit unfortunate that a person may suffer from a personality disorder which manifests as toxic behaviors, as the research indicates, we need to either learn how to protect ourselves or to know when to unfollow them in life. Here are my tips for knowing when it’s time to walk away from a toxic person:
- Set limits. Maintain a healthy boundary by limiting your time with a toxic person as well as limiting your energy. You may choose to listen to what they are saying, but you don’t have to engage in their rant. Limit the amount of interaction you have with them, telling them what you are doing and what the limits are. If they can’t or won’t respect you, you need to unfollow them.
- Be aware of your own emotions. Other’s emotions can be contagious, so be aware of your emotions when interacting with toxic people. If they are in a negative rant, check to ensure you too aren’t getting into those negative emotions. If you are, you need to politely leave the situation to refresh yourself. If the toxic person follows you or continues the rant after you’ve asked them to stop, you may need to unfollow them for your own emotional health.
- Be solution-focused. We all have choices, and we can either go through life being problem-focused, only looking at the problem and becoming discouraged, or we can be solution-focused; proactive and focused on action. If a toxic person brings you down, act, either by leaving the situation, or focusing on the positive qualities of the toxic person. We all have positive qualities if we look deep enough. Focus on their positives, and if possible, use their positives skills to your advantage or to the advantage of the job. If this is not possible, you may need to unfollow the toxic person.
- Be aware of your stress level. If you find yourself being stressed prior to encountering a toxic person, have self-understanding to avoid that person at this time. When we are stressed or anxious our defenses are down, therefore our ability to cope in a healthy way with a toxic person is diminished.
- Don’t go it alone. I’m sure there are others who also are affected by the toxic person. Enlist their help, not in a negative way focused against the toxic person, but rather in a positive way to keep a check on yourself. You may be too close to the situation to always realize when you need to get away from the person. Utilize healthy people in your life to help you stay on top of your emotional health.
Coping with toxic people is not easy, but if we understand that they are most likely emotionally suffering, and that their outward toxic behavior is a result of that suffering, then possibly we can learn to approach them with a bit of compassion. Your compassion, though, should not stand in the way of your emotional health. In life, as in social media, sometimes we need to unfollow people.
References:
University of Colorado Denver. (2014, April 22). Impact of Facebook unfriending analyzed by researchers. ScienceDaily. Retrieved July 14, 2016 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/04/140422130936.htm
Bradberry, T. (2015, November 10). 10 Toxic People You Should Avoid At All Costs. Retrieved July 14, 2016, from http://www.forbes.com/sites/travisbradberry/2015/11/10/10-toxic-people-you-should-avoid-at-all-costs/
Personality Disorders. (n.d.). Retrieved July 14, 2016, from https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/personalitydisorders.html
{This article was originally published at Your Tango by this author. Reprinted with permission.}
{loadmodule mod_custom,continue the conversation here or on social media}
Rest Stop (Sat) Lessons from the twigs
Recently, a storm came through my area bringing with it gusty winds and heavy rain. Where I live storms are commonplace especially in the spring. That period immediately following a rainstorm is one of my favorite times to go outside. If you have never experienced nature immediately following a rainstorm I strongly suggest you give it a try. Personally, the air seems clearer and fresher, and there is a distinct smell of cleanliness permeating the air. It’s nature’s way of cleansing the Earth. When you do venture outside you will most probably notice debris on the ground consisting of dead twigs, branches and anything else that has fallen from the trees. Cleaning up after a strong storm is not typically a favorite pastime of mine, but recently when I was mowing the yard I noticed this pile of dead twigs which had fallen over the course of many storms. I took this picture as the positioning of the twigs gave me pause and a moment of reflection.
I wasn’t planning to reflect upon fallen tree limbs and twigs, but after noticing those branches and taking the picture I couldn’t help but to reflect on them as I continued to mow the lawn. The first thought that came to mind is that of the circle of life. I reflected on the purpose of those twigs and how those twigs perfectly performed the function they were meant to perform. These twigs grew as the result of the tree, gaining sustenance from both the tree and the land around it. These twigs not only took from the tree and land, they also contributed to the further growth of the tree by sprouting their leaves. Those leaves provided sustenance to the tree, shade for those who needed it, and precious air that we all need to live. But now those very twigs lay dead on the ground taken from the tree by wind and rain.
As I further reflected on the twigs I realized that even though they are now lying on the ground it wasn’t necessarily a sad moment, even though the twigs no longer brought light or shade or air. Nature not only washes herself clean, she is also a great recycler. Those twigs, although dead and lying on the ground, continue to bring forth life from the land. Those twigs will be food for some creatures while other creatures will break down those twigs into nutrients needed by the soil for new life to spring forth.
So, what have I learned from my reflection on the twigs?
- Periodically clean the clutter (the dead twigs) from your life. Discover in yourself those thoughts, actions, perceptions, etc. which do not bring you life but instead wear you down. Shake them free from you! Get rid of anything in your life which is not life-giving or supportive of your needs of happiness, growth and peace.
- Take the time to recognize your need to slow down and become mindful of your surroundings. Change your perspective to realize the good in a situation. I could’ve either not noticed the twigs, or become upset that I now had more work to do by needing to remove the twigs. Instead, I fortunately chose to pause and simply notice the twigs. In that act of noticing without judgement, I ended up learning from those twigs.
- Recognize that no matter your situation, you do have a purpose! Even though dead and plucked from great heights to now lay on the ground, those twigs continue to serve a purpose. Granted, the purpose has changed, and most likely not the purpose wanted by those twigs, but an essential purpose nonetheless. Discover and embrace your purpose in life!
… continue the conversation here or on social media …
{loadposition blogsocial}