Posts Tagged ‘stress’
Coping With Family Stress To Bring Peace To The Holidays
Coping with family stress during the holidays can seem like a given. Many of us anticipate that family will get on our nerves, make us upset, or get us angry. Understanding that stress, especially during the holidays, will happen, then coping with family stress becomes more manageable and doable since we expect to feel and experience that family stress.
Coping with family stress comes with the season. Sure, family stress happens all year. Still, during the holiday season, it amps up, becoming stronger and more widespread amongst families. Family stress is defined as a disturbance in the steady-state of the family system. The disturbance can emerge from the outside, from inside the family, or both simultaneously.
Why does this happen? Why during a time of the year when we try to be cheerful and happy are families more stressed?
I feel that the answer to that question is two-fold. The holiday season itself can cause stress. Families need to make preparations for travel, the arrival of other family members, meal prep, getting gifts, decorating, and meeting the expectations of traditions. There’s a lot of responsibility placed on many people during a short couple of months. But we all know how the family will talk for years to come if just one aspect of the holidays doesn’t go as they wanted or expected. That’s a lot of pressure to place on people.
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The other part of the answer to the question is that families who may spend much of the year physically separated are now coming back together. Children out on their own for the first time, feeling that sense of freedom, are now back in their parent’s house, struggling with being an adult while once again being treated like a child. Or family members who get along well through phone or video chats, find that living under the same roof, even temporarily, is a reminder of why they moved away.
Put these two reasons together, not unlike distant family members coming together, and we have the answer as to why coping with family stress is such an issue this time of the year. Tensions are high to achieve perfection, and family members are moving back, the perfect storm in which to brew stress.
So what can we do about this? Do we resign ourselves to an uncomfortable holiday as we assume stress to be inevitable? Not at all. Actually, the “answer” starts with the formulation of the question itself.
Expectations
If you know there will be family stress during the holiday, base your expectations as such. If you know that one uncle will be drunk once again, or that cousins whom you can’t stand will be at a function, base your expectations as such. If that uncle gets drunk every year, don’t act surprised when he does it yet again. Why would you expect him to act any differently? Enter the holiday season with realistic expectations as to how people will act and plan accordingly. Therefore no surprises or hurt feelings. Actually, if for some reason they act in a healthy way, such as not getting drunk, then you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Keep your expectations realistic. No family is or will ever be perfect.
Feelings
I write and often speak on this topic of feelings and how no one makes us feel any such way. Our nature tends to seek blame for when we don’t like how we are feeling. If I’m feeling happy or joyous, I’ll own that feeling! I’ll tell everyone how “I” feel. But, if I’m angry or sad or disappointed, I need to find the person or situation for which I can blame for those feelings. So if I’m disappointed in how the family gathering is progressing, I’ll be sure to vocalize how uncle so-and-so “made” me feel. Yet, in reality, no one makes us feel anything. People act, we react. But we have a choice in our reaction. If I kept my expectations based on reality, and uncle so-and-so is once again ruining the evening, I can choose to feel what I want since I already prepared myself for his actions. I don’t have to feel disappointed. And if I do feel frustrated, that’s my choice, just as it’s your uncle’s choice to do his actions.
It’s OK
When you’re creating your realistic expectations, remind yourself that it’s OK to feel how you feel. And it’s OK if not every family member agrees with the other members. A family’s bond is not in agreement with everyone, the relationship is in the love and the connections of the members. Yet, since each member of the family is an individual person as well, they may have different thoughts and opinions from others in the family. Remind yourself that it’s OK. Just as each family member has their own views, so too, you have your own opinions and feelings. You don’t have to convince others as to your opinion, nor do you have to justify your feelings. Be yourself, yet understand that as a member of the family, the family itself has importance. As you accept others in the family, accept yourself as a member too.
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How To Live An Awesome Stress And Anxiety Free Life Without Worry
Stress and anxiety are felt by us all. We can live a stress-free life and this article explains how.
“I am capable of thinking … yet I am not my thoughts; I am the thinker of my thoughts; therefore I can change what I feel and still be me”. -Terence Gorski
Each of us are responsible for our thoughts. Just as we create our thoughts, so also do we create our emotions and behaviors. Stress and anxiety are effected by our thoughts and behaviors. Our everyday stress can be eliminated once we believe that we can control our thoughts, therefore controlling our stress response.
When asking the question, “Who am I?”, we discover that a part of the answer lies within our thoughts, emotions, and actions. I often write and speak on this topic since the cause of anxiety and stress originates within ourselves, namely, within our thoughts.
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We tend to feel stress and anxiety over situations in which we believe we possess a lack of control. The opposite being true; if I believe that I have control over a situation my stress and anxiety will be lessened. In my work experience I have witnessed clients remain in an unhealthy situation, even when there are healthy alternatives, because their fear of the unknown stops them from making a change. The unknown can be a source of fear for in the unknown we have no control. A lack of control leads to increased anxiety, therefore, someone may remain in an unhealthy situation since they at least “know” that situation and so assume they have control over it.
We need to keep our thoughts focused on the present moment, for it is only in the present that we have the control to make changes. Focusing our thoughts on the past may cause anxiety and a stress response as we can’t control or change our past; we can only learn lessons from our past. Focusing our thoughts on the future may cause stress and anxiety as we can’t control what has not as yet happened. To maintain a stress free life we need to keep our thoughts focused on the present moment.
This is one of the reasons an examination of our thoughts, and the importance in believing that I have control over my thoughts, is vital to healthy living in a stress-free and lowered anxiety state.
As I see it, there is a difference between stress and anxiety. Stress can be eliminated from our life, while anxiety, to varying degrees, will always be with us. I teach that stress, being subjective to the perception of a person, is a person’s emotional (and at times physical) response to life situations. Hans Selye, a scientist, in 1936 defined stress as “the non-specific response of the body to any demand for change”. Notice the word “change” in the definition. Change, an unknown factor and therefore something out of my control, causes a stress response. Stress, as I see it, is our subjective response to a perceived lack of control. Since it is our response, and we are in control of our responses (behaviors and actions), we can eliminate our stress by changing our response (belief and action) to the situation.
Anxiety, on the other hand, is a pervasive sense of worry or unease, typically about the future. Whereas stress is our response to current situations in life, anxiety is an unease within ourselves regarding future events and outcomes. Stress tends to come and go given our situations at the moment; anxiety persists, to varying degrees, within us. Since anxiety is a response to unknown future events, anxiety (assuming one is not diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder) leads us to take action. This action, in the form of preparing for the future, empowers us to tackle the unknown by taking control of things we actually have control over.
Anxiety is a component of our survival mechanism known as “fight or flight”. Anxiety is therefore a response in ourselves activated to help us survive by taking action! We will either physically or emotionally flee from, or stay to fight, whatever we perceive as a threat to our survival. This differs from stress which is our subjective response to a situation. Granted, mild stress may cause us to take action, but stress, as an emotion, is fickle as it comes and goes. Anxiety, mild most of the time, stays with us, vigilant in its mission of keeping us safe.
This is why, when I teach my clients about stress and anxiety, I teach them how to rid themselves of their stress, while reducing their anxiety. The goal for inner peace is not to eliminate our anxiety, the goal is in the actions we take to cope with our anxiety and everyday stress.
As I mentioned earlier, we can eliminate our stress by changing our response (belief and action) to the situation. How do we change our response? By changing our perception. The way we view the world is our perception, and our perception becomes our reality. This quote is quite powerful in its ability to succinctly explain the whole of what I’m trying to explain:
“We do not see the world as it is; we see the world as we are.” -Talmud
In other words, my perception of the world is directly related to my perception of self. Therefore, if I change my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, as well as my view of myself, I will change how I see the world! This is why it’s important to reflect on our thoughts, believe that we can control those thoughts, and focus on eliminating stress.
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Tips For Helping Those Who Are Suffering During The Holidays
To quote a popular song of the season: “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” While this sentiment may be true for many of us, it is not necessarily the shared sentiment of everyone. As the end of the year mark’s a time for celebrations, holidays, and traditions which bring together families and spark feelings of joy, there are those whose memories and sentiments of this time of the year are quite different from customarily expected.
There are those who suffer from mental illness or whose memories of the holiday season are not of pleasant times. It is unfortunate that many of us forget that not everyone perceives this time of the year in the same way that we do. I’m not writing this to chastise anyone or to bring down the mood the season. What I am saying is that we need to be mindful of those around us who may be suffering while we celebrate.
Many of us feel the burden of unreasonable expectations for perfection this time of the year. While we still have our day-to-day tasks to do we must also decorate, buy gifts, and attend social functions. These expectations can cause stress and anxiety even in those who are enjoying this time of the year. Imagine the stress and anxiety felt by those who are simply trying to cope with life let alone the added expectation of the season.
What can we do to help?
- Create an awareness within yourself and teach your children to understand that not everyone feels joyous this time of the year. This awareness is not meant to place a burden on ourselves, rather as a recognition of the reality of others.
- Create an environment where people feel open to honestly share their feelings. At parties or gatherings encourage everyone to participate, while being respectful of those who are having a difficult time participating. Try to plan activities which would allow for a person to participate to the degree in which they feel comfortable.
- Be mindful that your expectations about what makes up a traditional celebration may not be the same expectations of others. Allow yourself the flexibility to be open to the traditions of others and to how others may be feeling. For example, if you are organising the family dinner, take into account any family members who have had a difficult year. Allow them the space or the time to speak if they wish. Be aware that their showing up may have been a difficult task in and of itself.
- If you know of someone who does suffer from a mental illness or is finding this time of the year to be emotionally difficult, be a supportive friend. Allow yourself to be present to them even if words aren’t spoken. Encourage them to join you at small gatherings and surround them with people who have their best interests at heart.
- Be supportive of those whom you know are suffering this time of the year by encouraging them to be selfish. Selfish in the sense that they need to do things to take care of themselves regardless of the expectations placed upon them. It doesn’t make you a bad person to prioritize yourself, it is actually essential to your well-being to do so.
- Take time from the busyness of this season to be an effective listener to those who are in need of sharing their feelings. Encouraging and allowing those who are suffering to share how they feel can be the most helpful thing you can do for them. Silence is not good for someone who is suffering emotionally this time of the year, even if they feel it is better for them not to speak. Lovingly encourage them to share by letting them know that you will listen without judgement regardless of what they share.
During this holiday season as we join together with our families and friends let us be grateful and joyous in our traditions and fellowship. But let us not forget those who are emotionally suffering at this time of the year. Being respectful, understanding, and lovingly present is the best holiday gift a person can receive.
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Coping with the stress of the holidays
“All we have is the present moment. Focus on it; don’t miss an experience by living outside of the current moment.” – Chris Shea
This time of the year, between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day, is expected to typically be a time of joy, family gatherings, and the celebration of traditions. This is a time of the year when I reflect upon my childhood memories; memories filled with awe and wonder as the world seemed to be magical. Unfortunately, this time of the year is also one of increased stress due to all the activities we feel we need to do. Our wish to make this time of the year “perfect” increases our expectations, many of them unreasonable, causing us to overwork in our planning efforts.
“Preparing Christmas” Norman Rockwell
As a child I fondly recall watching the animated Christmas specials and reading all the Christmas books I could find. All of those stories not only have a positive ending, most of them depict a time of perfection. In these stories families gather and get along with each other, the house is majestically decorated, the dining room table set to rival the fanciest restaurant. My favorite American painter, Norman Rockwell, painted scenes of American life; some showing pain and suffering, others idyllic life scenes. Rockwell’s holiday paintings are among my favorite as they depict a world I wish existed, although knowing that a perfect world doesn’t exist.
This longing of mine, like the desire and longing of many other people, is part of the cause of our stress during the holiday season. We tend to focus our attention on the remembrances of the past, coupled with fictional idealisms of the holiday, producing a desire to re-create what never was, nor most likely ever will be. The holidays, as we perceived them in childhood, cannot now be exactly reproduced through the perceptions of us as adults, nor can we expect to create an experience depicted in the controlled environment of scripts, actors, and a stage.
The issue that I encounter this time of the year is one of unrealistic expectations. Trying to re-create a “perfection” which cannot be created means that we will fall short in our attempt. If I fall short, then I must have failed. That is the perception of many people, propelling them forth to not “fail”, while “failing” is exactly what will happen when we pursue perfection.
We do have control over our feelings and our current moment. Let’s not lose the experience of what is currently happening by living in either the past or the future. Experience the present moment for what it is. As I recall my childhood memories of the holidays, I try to keep them focused in the experience of the moment. Don’t let an expectation of perfection cloud the beauty of the memory and of the feeling that memory is now producing in you. Enjoy the memory and the feeling without trying to do anything with or to it. It is. You are. Live the moment without expectation and you will find that the stress of perfection will fade.
This holiday season, here are the steps I am working on to keep myself as stress free as possible:
- Refocus expectations: Take time to reflect on your expectations, considering what is realistic and what is not realistic. For example, we may want a house decorated as we’ve seen in advertisements, but, no matter how hard we try it never looks as it does in the picture. If you reframe your expectation and perception, you would recognize that you haven’t failed, actually you created something unique, something that reflects you, not an ad.
- Change our perception: Changing the way we perceive ourselves will change our perception of our world. Therefore, changing our view of this time of the year will change our expectations and so reduce our stress. For example, if you are hosting family, and the reality is that your uncle always makes a fool of himself at these family gatherings, keep your perspective focused on reality. Plan for what you can in expectation of your uncle’s shenanigans, for when your uncle acts as he always acts, don’t let it stress you; he is only doing as you expected him to do (and you previously planned for it). At least he’s consistent.
- Learn from your past: It’s important to spend time reflecting on our past, honoring the memories for what they are, and sharing them with current family and friends. Our past has shaped who we are today. Use the lessons of the past to create a present moment of peace. The purpose of the past is not to be recreated in the present, but to be incorporated with the present. Take what was positive for you in the past and use it in the present. What wasn’t positive for you in the past, modify now in the present to be more positive. Our past was not perfect; don’t expect the present or the future to be perfect either.
- Simplify your life: Easier said than done, I know. But if you think about it, our material goods, although useful, can be a source of our stress when our focus emphasizes our “things”. Living simply means keeping a proper focus, or perspective, on what is truly important in your life. Keep your expectations and perceptions rooted on who we are, not on who you think you should be.
During this holiday time of the year, take the time to enjoy the wonders, joy, and magic of the season. Keep your perspective and expectations reasonable to reduce your stress. Most importantly, focus on what is truly important to you!
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…. a thought from Chris Shea:
My goal, and the mission of “Lifesjourney”, is to guide us toward finding self-awareness and inner peace. I encourage us to view our lives from varied perspectives trying to find what daily practices strengthen us along our journey.
Lifesjourney’s philosophy for finding inner peace lies in two basic concepts: keeping our thoughts on the present moment, and practicing some form of daily meditation.
“Mindfulness” is a word I often use in my writings, on my social media, and a concept I use with my clients. One of the pioneers in the mindfulness movement, Jon Kabat-Zinn, defines mindfulness as:
“a means of paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.”
Personally, the two key phrases in this definition which I feel are important are “on purpose” and “nonjudgmentally”. To find our inner-peace we need to consciously make the choice to spend time every day focusing our attention on what is happening around us and within us. Our focus is not meant to judge what is happening, just to notice it. As we become aware of our surroundings and our inner self, we will become aware of life’s joys and potential. In our state of focused awareness, we are enabled to see solutions; to see hope.
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“Life is sometimes difficult, but even so, it is always possible to find inner-peace. I talk about topics of daily life which cause us stress and anxiety, guiding us on how to change our perspective and to learn how to live in the moment.” -Chris Shea, host of “On Finding Peace”
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Rest Stop (Saturday) … coping with the Blizzard 2016
Winter Scene (Credit: unknown)
As I write this I, like millions of other people along the NE coast of the US, have hunkered down in the house due to the blizzard occurring. As of this moment it is still snowing and I already have two feet of snow on the ground.
Personally, I love snow. This event is a joy for me, and I am like a kid again. I see the beauty in the snow, it’s uniqueness, the sights, sounds, and smell in the air. All of this is perfect for me! Yet, I do realize that my love of this weather is not shared by everyone. There are many people who despise this weather, and, there are those who have been panicking for days before the start of this storm.
I am not in any way judging anyone, since each us views life from our own perspective, and that perspective is our reality. So, although I was not panicking over this storm, those that were truly felt fear. Panic is defined as: “a sudden overwhelming fear, with or without cause, that produces hysterical or irrational behavior, and that often spreads quickly through a group of persons.” (Panic at Dictionary.com. 2006. 24 Jan. 2016. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/panic) One of the reasons we panic is because we allow ourselves to “live” in the future where we have no control over the events. That realization of our lack of control brings on our panic.
Living in the moment is when we will feel at peace, but living in the moment is not always easy to do. In this short video I talk about ways we can change our perception to therefore change our reality to find peace.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfMN_UXaBiQ]
Share with us your ways of coping with events which otherwise would worry or panic you.
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